Take Yourself Too Seriously and You'll End Up Alone

I met a couple at work last night who had been happily married for over 18 years and just found out their son was going to Westpoint. They were affectionate and seemed genuinely still in love. As I do of all couples I've waited on that I build a connection with, I asked them "what's your secret to making your relationship work?" I want to compile all these answers and share them with you dear reader! Here's what they said, and what other couples have told me over the years.

1. Laugh at yourself, each other, together. Laughter is key to keeping your relationship fun.
2. Have fun together (try new things: snowboarding, karaoke, dancing, travel, or just a new restaurant)
3. Make time for each other (don't neglect your date night or your sex life)
4. Make time for sex- this is essential. You did not marry this person to be your best friend only. They are your best friend and your lover. Nourish both parts of the equation- even when you're tired.
5. Marry someone you actually like. (not just want to have sex with all the time- see #4) You're going to be stuck with them for the next 50 years or so, long after you both lose your looks so make sure you still have things in common after your boobs touch the floor and his face looks like a wrinkled paper bag.
6. Let the little things go. And the mistakes. (Does the fact that he chews with this mouth open bug you- yes of course. But does it make or break your relationship? No! Also, if one of you made a huge mistake 3 years ago but you both choose to forgive and move on, you really have to forget about it, or else you'll never truly feel happy and safe with your partner. Let. It. Go. You both deserve to be happy.)
7. Admire that person. No one stays with someone for 20 years when they think they're an idiot or they are a bad person. You have to respect at least one huge thing about your partner. (something not physical)
8. Be able to get along with their families.
9. Common interests. Sure, you might not have known much about Formula1 Racing 5 years ago, but now you know that Michael Schumacher is the greatest driver in history. A common passion is fun!
(see #2)
10. Be nice to each other. Even when the kids are screaming, the dogs are barking, you're on 2 hours of sleep and you have a sink full of dirty dishes and a huge presentation due for work tomorrow- be nice. You're in this together.

So....I'm Engaged!

So now I'm officially engaged, so I won't be a hipocrite anymore telling people how to have successful relationships! It feels weird but also completely natural. It's the next step in a relationship but lots of couples do it for that reason- not because they really want to. It's just 'what you're supposed to do.' You either break up or you get engaged. After several years together, those are your choices. For me, it feels like I am just so lucky. I get to be with my best friend forever. And we get to have sex? This is awesome! Seriously though, for all the ups and downs we've been through I feel happy to be here. It took me years to realize what I had right in front of me. I thought "oh I love him, but he's not xyz" or "do I have to live with his annoying habit forever?" I didn't get it that great guys who are caring, funny, hard-working and cute don't grow on trees. You find someone you love who loves you back? And they treat you better than anyone has ever treated you? You hold onto that person and never let go.

On the practical side, I got to plan a wedding now. I wish I had a million dollars to have this amazing big day. But I'm not rolling in the dough- and it's hard to plan a wedding when you A. don't have money and B. aren't a girly-girl who's dreamed of pink place settings and sparkly dresses her whole life. So I'm just going to do my best. That's all you can do. In life, in your marriage, in your job. A wedding is one day. Your relationship is for the rest of your life (hopefully).  What's really important- perfect dress or the person you love?

Being Nice without the Mask

They say we're nicer to strangers than to the people we love. It's sad but true- we often are our most grumpy, bitchy, and plain old rude to the most important people in our lives but sweet as apple pie to random strangers. I have a theory on this phenomenon. I think it's because we wear a mask, or a suit of armor in the outside world. It's a method of protection. We are ourselves, but there's a little bit of acting that goes on too. You know, that extra effort you make to look good, be funny, charming and nice? When you get home, the last thing you want to do is fake it. You want to be real, just relax and let it go. Hence the fuzzy socks and hideous sweatpants that make you look like a 50 year old mom from Wisconsin. (i.e.not hot) But while I know you can't 'give up' every time you're at home, for me it's important that I can be completely myself in my own home with my partner. Guys, you know what I mean: undershirt, no pants, Chinese food resting on your belly and hair that looks like it's been through a tornado while the rest of your body stayed put. Girls, it's the same story: raggedy track pants from high school, a faded tank top with no bra, hair on top of your head in a scrunchy, and most importantly: no makeup. Besides the physical unmasking, there's the realness that I like about being home. You don't have to pretend to be in a good mood if you aren't. I'm not saying it's okay to be a jerk to your spouse, but you can be real, honest, and just 'you' without feeling bad about it. It's refreshing and why home is such a sanctuary from the world. No mask, literally or figuratively. We can kiss passionately, playfully grab each other's butts, say outrageous things- all the stuff that's a bit taboo in public, depending on where you are. At home, it's a refreshing freedom to say and do whatever you want with the person you actually want to be with. You aren't being nice because you have to, it's because you want to.

Found my lobster....

So I got some unexpected but wonderful news this past week....I'm officially engaged! As great as that is, I actually sort of never thought I would ever get married. Not that I don't want to, I do. But I never thought I'd be so lucky as to find that one person who I love and enjoy being with more than anyone else and have them choose ME to be with forever. It's incredibly flattering when the guy you think is attractive, funny, smart, kind and loyal chooses you, you don't just choose them. Don't get me wrong- my relationship hasn't always been rainbows and puppies. It's taken 5 years of laughter, tears, fights, and regrets to get here. We have both made some pretty bad mistakes. But, we realized that we're in this for the long haul, and in the end, there is no one out there who makes me as happy as he does. We overcame our regrets. If I could offer up any humble advice to the single people out there, it's this: find a partner who you find incredibly special, and who finds you incredibly special. That's it. It's like the age old question of "how do I lose weight?" Uh, eat less and workout more. Simple. Love is the same. Yes, relationships are very hard and take negotiation, lots of communication (about likes, dislikes, sex, fun, morals, chores, etc), and a forgiving attitude, but in the end you need that one basic ingredient. It's like making cookies without the butter. It just won't stay together. You got to want to be with that person and find them desirable- big time. If a girl is wishy washy about you and always is "busy?" Not gonna last. Does he text you occasionally saying "Let's hang out soon?" He's not ready. Or you're not his lobster. (lobsters mate for life) Everyone deserves someone who will look at them like they're the best thing since sliced bread or color TV. (or PlayStation and hot sauce in my case) In return, you treat that person with kindness and respect, love and loyalty. That's all life is really about. I feel like I don't deserve the man I'm going to marry he is that lovely. I am so lucky. And that's a wonderful feeling.

Great quote

Short post today- just was reading my wonderful book "Clinical Handbook of Couple Therapy" edited by Gurman and Jacobson that I've mentioned before on the blog, when I saw a great quote I wanted to share with you guys. In essence, it's about a healthy couple. A healthy realtionship is best viewed within the context of the individual partners, the couple, and the couple's environment. A healthy couple relationship is "one in which both indivduals contribute to the well-being of the realtionship as a unit. This means both partners have formed an effective partnership- reaching decisions and resolving problems effectively, developing a sense of intimacy and carying, communicating constructively, engaging as a couple in a variety of mutually rewarding and engaging activities..." (pg.29) Great advice- and true. It's not totally romantic, but a good way of looking at being in a couple. It is a bit like a parntership in business, only it's in love. You make compromises, agree to do certain things in exchange for what you want, and you make time to be together to get things done that will benefit both of you. There's a lot of "How about I do this ________ and you do _______, that okay with you?" Bargaining is an important skill to learn because no one wins when you fight so hard to get your way, you create  a huge argument over something trivial. Pick you battles people! It's not that big of a deal if he won't pick up his clothes. Don't let it drive you crazy. Just agree that you'll pick up his clothes, if he picks up the check! (or something like that, work it out best for what you both want)

In a Funk

No I'm not talking about loud, vibrant music you jive turkey! (it's obvious I'm white by that awful sentence) I'm talking about being "in a funk" Feeling sluggish, bored, or sad for no reason at all. Recently I've experienced being in a funk with my partner. I think lots of couples can identify with this feeling. You love each other and everything is great, but there's just something missing sometimes. Long-term relationships go through peaks and valleys, it's important to remember this and not freak out and think you're "making a huge mistake" when you're really just in a 'down' period. Things can't be red-hot and super exciting forever- it's just not realistic. Love, compassion, friendship- these are the qualities that should never fade in a relationship. But 'I got to have you now' passion and interest in each other varies over time. The passion you felt for each other initially may have been masking a difference in levels of sexual desire. Now that the steam has lifted, you're left wanting intimacy once a week in the morning while he prefers it every night. This can get frustrating. Often couples aren't in the mood at the same time. In fact, only 50% of marital sex in happy couples occurs when both partners are in the mood or orgasmic. The other 50% of the time it takes an effort to get turned on at the same time. As far as my 'funk' goes, I think the lesson I've learned is to NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Ladies, gents, please relax and refrain from getting really hurt or upset if your partner isn't in the mood, or is busy at work, or needs a 'guys' or 'girls' night. Like I've said before, being apart is actually healthy for a relationship. You need to be apart so you can appreciate your love and remember how life would suck if they weren't around. I would possibly be sitting alone on my couch with several cats eating two-day old Chinese takeout...Who knows? Hopefully my funk will fade soon. Until then, I'm going to take care of myself (nothing makes you feel LESS in the mood than feeling unattractive or fat), stay busy, and continue to remind my partner how wonderful and sexy and amazing he is. Those little kisses and touches are just as important as a steamy date night. And both those things (giving compliments and affection) only help improve a relationship.

What's Between the Ears...

Okay so I know that's a random title for a blog post, but today I was watching Dr.Phil and I actually learned something. I know he's kinda of a cheesy and not a real doctor, but he had an interesting show on marriage counseling. This one featured couples on the brink of divorce. The men were chauvinists, batterers, and all-around troubled guys. The women were victims, codependents, and pretty much miserable in their marriages. In one of his interventions, he had three different married women come to talk to the men in these troubled relationships. These women were strangers to the men, but offered some really great advice I want to share with you.
1. Never walk away from a fight. If you're getting so heated that you can't take it anymore, say something (as calmly as you can) such as, "I need some time to calm down. Let's finish this discussion in the morning when we both have had time to think. I think I'll be able to understand your point of view better then, I'm too upset now." That way she/he won't see you as walking away from the fight, more as taking a breather so you can better understand him/her better later- it's pacifying. Wording counts. Saying "Get out of my face!" will only make your partner want to get more in your face-it's antagonizing.
2. A woman's sex drive is in between her ears. (as in, her brain) Tell her she's beautiful, special, sexy, appreciated. That will make her more horny than any music/flowers/song/wine ever will. Also, expecting anything sexual is also a huge turn-off. No one is 'supposed' to have sex with you. And why would you want to be with someone who feels it's just their 'duty' to be with you intimately? However, if you tell your woman she's the love of your life (and mean it, don't just say it to get sex)- now that's sexy.
3. Do things for each other that you know you like, just because. For example, if he loves kung pow chicken, bring it home for him when he's had a long day. Or if she loves Skittles, surprise her with a pack on your next movie date. It's as corny as ever, but it really is the little things that count. Doing sweet things not to get something in return, but just to make your partner happy, that is love.

Just Friends?

I want to tackle to age old question today: can men and women just be friends? Furthermore, can a couple make friends independently that are of the opposite sex, after they've gotten together? Being in a relationship comes with some negotiation in regards to friends. Whose friends will you hang out with? Will you friends go together well? These questions can't be answered by a generic, simple response because every couple and relationship is different. What I can say though, is that, if you can't trust your man to talk/text/hang out with a friend of the opposite sex for a reasonable amount of time (they can't see them more than they see you!), can you really trust them at all? Isn't that what trust is about? That said, it's normal to be a little jealous if you girl has a guyfriend. You think "He just wants to sleep with you" and hey- maybe he does. But she's with YOU, not him, for a reason, and that won't change as long as you two have a strong relationship that she's committed to. I used to get a little (okay more than a little) green envy when my boyfriend would casually mention any girl friend he talked to, or even past girlfriends he had. It was when he got genuinely upset with my behavior and got tired of telling me nothing was going on that I stopped. My insecurity was pushing us apart, not his behavior. But while that turned out well, there have also been times when my "woman alert" as I like to call it, has gone off, and I've been right. Lesson? Listen to your gut- it's never fails you. Have friends that are men, friends that are women, and friends that you two have in common as a couple. Be cool (NOT controlling) about your partner's friends- they're his friends and he has every right to have them. It's his life, not yours. Trust is something we all want to rely on, until it's broken. Listen to your gut for any warning signs, but also give him the same trust he gives you. And a little jealousy can be cute and sexy, if it's done that way instead of an insecure way. It kind of reminds your partner you care. Keyword here is a little. Because no one wants to date their parents-i.e. "Those friends are a bad influence on you." Saying "Hey, why don't you do your thing, I do mine, and we meet up later for a drink?" Much better. Pulling away allows your partner to miss you. It's rubber band rule of dating: the more you're loose and understanding, the easier things are. The more uptight and rigid you are, the more tense are. (weird metaphor, just go with it) Because, would you really want to be with someone who won't "let" you do stuff? No, and neither would your mate. It's called dating people, not prison.

A Soldier Gave Me Good Advice Today...

I could never be in the military. Don't get me wrong- I think it's amazing that people from all walks of life are able to devote their lives to serving our country. I'm just too weak and scared to ever try. So instead I say THANK YOU to all those out there who do. Today I was at work when I met a woman and man dressed in military fatigues. We began to talk and when I mentioned I was in school to become a marriage and family counselor, she gave me some great advice. The kind military lady told me about how you need to discuss certain things with your mate. She also told me that if you rub a guy's feet while you're dating, he'll expect it forever, so be careful spoiling your mate too much!  Her words mimicked the advice I just learned in school, which is that it's SO important to talk about practical stuff before you get serious/move in/get married. Things such as: what chores each of you will do, how you'll raise the kids, what's your basic view of life, how you spend money, what's your religion and would you convert if you had kids or got married, whose family you'll spend the holidays with, where you want to live, etc. It's not sexy, or fun sometimes, but it's essential. You don't want to suddenly wake up and realize that you desperately want to move to Europe for a year while your boyfriend wants to buy a house and get married within 6 months. Take it from me (I've been there)- being honest now will save you a lot of heartbreak later. Plus, all these questions really help you ultimately become closer to your partner. You know their favorite beer, but do you know where they want to be in their career in 5 years? Ask the questions (not too early on in the relationship though- that can freak someone out) when you're in a serious relationship- you both deserve to know the answers.

Let's Talk About Sex Baby...

Sex is a sensitive subject for many people. It's the most intimate thing you can do with another human being. I know people say that you can have sex without feelings, that having a deep conversation about your thoughts and goals is more intimate than hooking up on a random Friday night, but I disagree. In my opinion, you are at your most vulnerable when you're literally inside another human being. Since it's so private, there are a million psychological issues associated with sex. The most common sexual dysfunction (as my studies have taught me recently), is inhibited sexual desire in women. According to the Clinical Handbook of Couple Therapy by Gurman and Jacobson, "the initial romance love/passionate sex desire found in premarital and extramarital sex does not maintain desire in ongoing relationships." As someone who's been with their partner for 5 years, I can attest to that. That doesn't mean you're doomed to lose all your desire for your partner after the butterflies wear off, but it's completely normal to not have that same "I gotta have you now, you're all I can think about, I don't need food or water or anything but your body!" feeling after a few years. You have to work a little harder to keep things fresh and different. For women, "being nonorgasmic during intercourse is a normal variation, not a dysfunction." That doesn't mean you should just accept that you don't get off during sex. That is not okay. Couples need to find a way to develop their sexual style. Women especially shouldn't feel scared to speak up and ask for what they want.

Here are some steps for women to reach orgasm with their partner:
-multiple stimulation is key, lots of foreplay, identify "orgasm triggers" in masturbation and generalize these to intercourse, request and guide stimulation, make the transition to intercourse at her request, and use her own hand to help get her excited. Sex therapy uses a technique called sensate focus, which is about slowing things down and allowing a couple to just enjoy each other's bodies with no pressure for sex or orgasm. Don't feel bad if you take 30 minutes to come and he takes 3. You each are entitled to pleasure and it's part of being in a relationship to give pleasure to your partner. Women are also more emotional when it comes to sex. Or anything, for that matter. Anger, resentment, or other issues are tied to our sexual appetite. When a girl's husband is a jerk, she doesn't want to jump in the sack. Of course, I'm generalizing here, but you get my drift.

Finally, try to remember that it's not a race, and not every sexual interaction has to end in each of you simultaneously orgasming in the throws of passion- that's a movie sex scene. Just enjoy each moment, smell, touch, kiss, feeling. Sometimes you might not get off, and that's okay. As long as you try. Don't just accept that you 'never' have orgasms. Relax and don't beat yourself up if you don't though. You're human, and that means your sexuality comes in waves. No one 'gives' you an orgasm- you're responsible for your own pleasure. Hopefully all these tips are helpful. Finally, remember the golden rule I always repeat: communicate, communicate, communicate- especially about sex. It's sometimes awkward, just like sex can be. But it will only make your sex life better- as long as you remember the couples communication rule: 5-1: 5 positive statements for every negative one. So every "I don't like it when you bite my lip" is supplemented by "I love it when you kiss me softly, hold me tight, touch my thigh, scratch my back, pull my hair, etc." Because every medicine goes down a whole lot better with a spoonful of sugar.

My favorite quotes about love

“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” 
 -Robert A. Heinlein

"Everything that I understand, I understand only because I love."
-Leo Tolstoy

"Where does the family start? It starts with a young man falling in love with a girl - no superior alternative has yet been found."
 -Sir Winston Churchill

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."
-Lao Tzu

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."
-Nat King Cole

He's nice but....

Today I'd like to talk about a couple of issues that have been on my mind lately. One: do you think that, when you meet someone you'd like to date long-term, you need to feel that 'spark'? I'm not talking about the so-called true love at first sight thing (which can happen in my opinion, but I call it lust at first sight instead), but a butterflies in your stomach, this guy/girl is special feeling. Can that feeling grow over time? I think it depends on the person, because if someone needs to feel that, they won't date someone for very long without it. They need the sizzle, like when you drop a nice juicy steak into a hot skillet. Other people give love time, they let it simmer like a rich, delicious stew. (Okay, enough with the food metaphors!) But what I'm getting to is that you shouldn't take it personally if someone is a sizzler (needs the spark) doesn't want to date you, a simmer-er. You need different things. And who knows, maybe you'll meet someone who'll change your mind and you'll feel that 'spark' and will be grateful you didn't waste any more time on someone who really wasn't right for you anyway.

The other issue that's been on my mind is mate bashing. You know, when you're with your girlfriends or guy friends and you secretly say all the stuff that bugs you about your significant other. Why? Sometimes you don't want to brag if you're really happy, other times you need to vent and find some camaraderie, and also you might like the "you are such a great girlfriend" and "you put up with a lot with that chick" things your friends say. While I know it's not directly harmful because your mate isn't standing behind you when you say these things, it still stinks. Would you like knowing your man told his guy friends about how you never pay for dinner or hate morning sex? No, it's private and some things should be kept between the couple. I'm not saying it's sooo awful if you occasionally say a thing or too that bugs you- but try telling your friends and family all the great stuff he/she does. How they always cover you with a blanket when you fall asleep on the couch. How they surprised you at work with roses one time. How they let you choose the restaurant because they want you to get whatever you want. How they bring you aspirin and water when you're too hungover to move. It's important to share the good things too because it lets your friends get a better picture of the person you're with. If you only say all the bad stuff, of course your friends aren't going to like your mate! And then it's awkward when you want everyone to all hang out together. So be nice (most of the time) and don't feel bad about bragging occasionally or letting the occasional "he drunk-dialed my mom" story slip. As long as he doesn't do it twice. :-)

How to Actually Fight So Your Relationship Gets Better

I hate fights. I think a lot of people do. While some drama queens love a good screaming match plus the hot makeup sex, I loathe tension with the man I love. But while I used to just stifle my feelings and ignore how I really felt, now I speak up. In school this week we learned about how to transform your problems into workable issues so you're not left sleeping on opposite ends of the bed after a fight. Here's the simple 1-2-3-4 breakdown:

1. Have each person state their side. You: I hate when you stay out with your friends late instead of coming home to me. I miss you and want to see you more. Him: I hate it when you nag me about coming home when you're asleep anyways. Why can't I just have fun with my friends?
2. Form the problem into an issue outside of each other that you both can agree on. Ex. We both have a problem with the amount of time we have for each other.
3. Create a goal you both want that's achievable. Ex. We want to find a way to balance our friend time with our couple time so each part is satisfied.
4. Write down specific things you'll each do to get to that goal. Ex. You'll agree to not call or text him when he's with his friends if he'll agree to at least 1 designated date night a week, plus he'll text you when he's out and when he's coming home. Him: He'll also agree to 1 date night a week, plus he'll make an effort to plan more dates and text you his plans. And send you sweet texts to let you know he's thinking of you.

That's pretty much the formula. State sides, agree on workable problem, agree on solvable goal, break down goal into smaller pieces that are more manageable. If you externalize a problem it's less of a "he said, she said" or blaming thing. Because screaming "You don't love me as much as you love your friends!" at three a.m. isn't a good idea. Neither is passive aggressive texts that imply you're out having fun too, when the only friends in your room are Ben and Jerry. Like I always say, communication is key to keeping a relationship alive. Communicate what you want, what you need, and how you feel. Couples that break up are the ones with breakdowns in communication. Think of it as the cream that holds together two Oreo cookies. Without it, you've just got 2 boring cookies. With it, you've got magic.

I'm In Love With You Because..

I was inspired to write this post by a great article I read on Thought Catalogue. Here's the link: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/this-is-why-im-in-love-with-you/  It's a wonderful website my best friend told me about with all kinds of funny, sweet, interesting articles by various writers. This piece in particular talks about a man being in love with his girl and why. She makes him feel safe, she's his best friend, she's the "peanut butter to my jelly." (my favorite line) Here are a few things that I personally feel when I'm really, truly in love.(not lust)
1. You make me smile.
2. You're my cheerleader.
3. You won't run away if I've got bad breath, gained a couple pounds, or didn't shave my legs.
4. You love me in spite of my crazy family.
5. You know all my deep dark secrets- and you're still by my side.
6. You're fun to be with- at a bar or just on the couch.
7. You listen to me.
8. You like me.
9. You are kind.
10. You are so special to me that I want to protect you from the world, but I know I can't. I want to be with you forever, but I can't. So I'll settle for the next 50 years, if you'll have me.

This list is just an example of what you may feel when you're in love. I hope I am not discouraging anyone, because if there's one thing that I know for sure about relationships is that they're all different. Never feel like he "should" do that, or you "must" feel this. If you're happy and he's happy, ignore all the 'shoulds' and just enjoy it. There's no mythical time table you need to keep up with. It's your life, your love, your relationship. Enjoy it, protect it, and remember to always COMMUNICATE.

Dreams

Last night I had a dream I met a gorgeous, 6-foot 5 man who swept me off my feet. He was charming, funny and I fell instantly in lust. In the dream I immediately left my current boyfriend and shacked up with this new guy. But the second time I saw him he was different. This time he was not as tall or handsome or funny. It was so weird; I remember feeling like "Oh crap, why did I just throw the love of my life away for this loser?" Of course, I don't plan on ever leaving my long-term relationship, but I think the dream was a sly message to myself. There will always be someone who's better looking, richer, funnier, more charming, younger....the list goes on forever. It's tempting to look around for an upgrade when the new models come out. (I sound like I'm buying a new Honda, not finding a mate) But when you truly fall in love, it's not about all that superficial stuff. Your partner doesn't love you for your face, they love you for your heart. (yes I know how lame that sounds, but it's true) The face is just the pretty wrapping paper it's in. So 20 years down the road when you get a new assistant who's 23 and a part-time fitness model, remember that it's okay to look and be friendly. (And fantasize, it's not cheating because it's in your head and no one knows about it but you! It's a great way to get out the sexual tension without actually acting on it.) But you're not missing out. If you were to take that 23-year-old home, do you think you'd have more to talk about that sex and sit-ups? Doubtful. All the memories, good and bad, are what bind you to your significant other. That kind of love takes time, and it's not easily upgradable. Would you want to be replaced?

Disclaimer: I'm talking about healthy relationships you enjoy being in. If  you're unhappy, you're looking around for someone else because something in your relationship isn't right. If that's the case, try working on it, if it doesn't get better, moving on is best. Just be sure and close one door before you open another. No one wants to be the rebound guy.

Prescribing the Symptom

Got a man who never calls? Got a girl who won't stop texting you? Do you find yourself compulsively reaching for M&Ms everyday? Or does your mom want you to start going to church more? What do these things have in common? They can all be improved by a Strategic Therapy technique called "prescribing the symptom." This technique involves excessively doing the exact thing you want to STOP doing. It's like that old story about the dad who caught his teenager smoking and made him smoke the entire carton of cigarettes. The teen got so sick from all those smokes that he never smoked again. I tried this technique on myself by accident last Halloween. I had too much to drink and haven't done a shot since. The thought of hard liquor makes me sick. So, back to the previous examples. If your man never calls you, leaving you to call him all the time, try ignoring his texts/calls and giving him extra space. He might just get a little lonely and start calling you more. For the gal that texts you 24/7, try texting her nonstop. Trust me, she'll back off once you text her "Eating a sandwich- yum it's turkey!" for the third time. When it comes to eating, try eating way too many M&Ms (or whatever your poison) one day- make sure you get a really bad stomachache. Your craving for those colorful goodies won't be returning soon. Finally, if your mom bugs you about not going to church enough, try talking about God and the Bible nonstop. She'll lay off once she sees how annoying it is to hear only about the Lord over pancakes, pizza, and pot roast. I know it's a bit unorthodox, but I do think it's an interesting way to try to curb a dysfunctional or annoying behavior. Unconvinced? Try taking 10 shots of tequila. You won't be ordering another margarita anytime soon.

Men: Silence, Women: Talk. Any questions?

So I'm studying communication and why it's the MOST IMPORTANT thing in making a relationship last. If you can't communicate, you're doomed. Sorry to put it so bluntly, but it's true. What's funny is that, the more I learn about talking about your feelings, the more I find how hard it is for men to do that. For example, we did a group therapy session the other day. It was amazing- we went around a circle and discussed our childhoods, our insecurities, what makes us unique. I loved it, and so did the group of women in the group. But when I went home and tried asking my man the same questions- crickets. Now, I know all men are different and you can't really generalize. But let's just say that most men do not want to talk about how they "never really had a father" over tuna sashimi. It's not in their nature. Women, on the other hand, tell you more about their period before 10am than you ever need to know..ever. It's easy to get frustrated when you just want to know more about your guy, but you can't force intimacy or disclosure. Let it go. He'll open up when he's ready. Just be cool, easygoing, and don't pressure him. And don't focus on past relationships- it's not relevant. In my next post I'm going to discuss the ways to keep a long-term relationship together. It takes work, but it's so worth it. When you're sitting on the couch with your lover in pjs and a giant bowl of ice cream watching 'How I Met Your Mother' with a fat cat between the two of you- it's priceless. (Okay so I know that sounds pathetic, but it's not, it's a shared passion. You need those in relationships. For us, it's a TV show, for others, it's going out or running or cooking, etc..Hot sex can only sustain a couple for so long.)

Taking a Chill Pill

I want to share my own BEST advice I've ever realized and want to share with you. This info has improved my relationship a million percent: Don't freak out. Sometimes things won't go right. You'll be apart for too long or won't have sex for a month. Be relaxed and go with the flow. There's nothing more annoying than a nervous chick (or guy) whining about you getting home 10 minutes late from work so you have to see a later showing of "Twilight" or "2 Fast 2 Furious." It's not a big deal people, so don't make it one.
Note: Ladies: chill, guys do the best they can. Guys: we let you see us naked. 'Nuff said.

PS: Things you SHOULD make a big deal out of: you caught them cheating red-handed, they forgot your birthday, they were mean to you/your friends/your family/a box of kittens for no reason, or they only focus on 'their stuff' in bed. Relationships are a give and take people, learn to embrace sharing.

How to NOT get divorced

Recently I read a really interesting chapter in my 'Assessment of Couples and Families' book. (by Len Sperry) The book mentions 4 things that lead a couple towards divorce. I thought I'd share these with you in order to offer some insight. As a child of divorce myself, I'm pretty bound and determined not to get a divorce. But in reality, things happen and it's MUCH better to divorce than stay in an unhappy marriage because you promised 'for better or worse' or 'for the kids'. (worst excuse ever- you end up modeling an unhappy marriage to your children; not a good idea) Anyway, the 4 interactions that are predictors of divorce are the following: (specifically from Gottman 1993, 1994).
1. Being overly critical towards each other (nagging, nitpicking- unhappy couples average 1 negative comment for 1 positive comment, while happy couples average 5 positive comments for every 1 negative comment)
2. Couples feel/act out contempt for each other (not surprising this is on the list, who in their right mind would want to be wed to someone who hates them?)
3. Partners being defensive and not listening to each other ("more focus is on how a spouse is going to respond to the partner, rather than listening to what the partner is saying," p.17)
4. Stonewalling each other (this refers to shutting down emotionally and just going through the motions with your partner)
Marriage is incredibly hard work, or so I've heard. I say this as a single woman, but one who's in a long-term relationship. I don't know what it's like to be man and wife, (or man and man or woman and woman), but I do know that, while being with someone you love is often easy and carefree, it also takes work every day to keep a relationship alive. Making them dinner, rubbing their back, asking them if they need anything at the grocery, texting them you love them- it's these little things that show you still care. This list was also really interesting to me because it reminds me that being honest, kind, and open with your partner is so incredibly important. Take time to connect with the person you love, but also just listen to them. We all just want to feel heard and understood. It's so easy to just yell or be snippy when you're stressed or tired- we all do it. I'm not saying it's easy but try to make an effort to be sweet, year after year. You're happy relationship will thank you. :-)

We are not alone

This week in school we learned about systems. As in your family system, your work system, your friends system. We are always operating in some sort of system because our lives are made up of relationships. We aren't these isolated creatures that spend our lives alone. They did this cool study on schizophrenic people who were sent away from their homes to a treatment center for the mentally ill. After awhile many of the people improved. But when they sent them back home to their families, they quickly relapsed. It was because their families were also schizophrenic and it triggered their illness. The point of this story is to illustrate that we are composed of our relationships- it shapes us. Each family has their own type of system as well. For example, a dysfunctional system might have one 'bad' member who is known for being disruptive. The other members then have their roles in relation to this person and each other. One might be the 'good sibling' in order to appease the parents. Perhaps the mom is the disciplinarian and boss of the family while the dad is the enabler who gives in to the 'bad son.' In groups of friends there's also a system dynamic. There might be the ringleader, the doormat, the loud one, the funny one, etc. We all know our roles and play them accordingly. In a relationship (like man and wife for example) you also have a system between the two of you. When something goes wrong, try to look at it in relation to how it affects the system. A symptom (such as depression) changes the system and is related to it. If a wife is depressed, look at why she is feeling that way. Besides the biological diagnosis, look at the system she's in and see if it's operating well. Perhaps her husband got laid off and she's feeling depressed because she's had to take on the role of breadwinner and it's extremely stressful. Her depression affects her husband because he feels guilty and begins drinking to feel better. One affects the other. Instead of seeing how A affects B, look at both sides, how B affects A as well. I really like this systemic thinking. As an MFT (marriage and family therapist) I'm learning how useful the family systems model really is and I think it's especially relevant in family and couples therapy. Try it out with your family. Look at each member and see what role they play, and if your family system is a healthy one. Do you have the same routine every single day? Or is the family constantly different, changing. It's healthy to not remain static but to be an evolving system. People change, and age/gender/culture/life stage has a huge impact on how we act at any given time in our life. We are not alone, nor will we ever be, because of the fact alone that we come from somewhere. Even a non-traditional family is a system. You can talk to your cousin, but not anyone else in your family and it's still a system. It's just not a well-functioning one. We are all products of our family system, from the day we're born to the day we die.

Another great quote..about sheep

Here's another cool quote from that book I mentioned in the last post: 'Show me a long-term couple who's never had a fight and I'll show you two sheep.' Haha, so true. We watched a great therapy session last night by Dr. Thomas Hardy and in it he remarked that when we minimize our differences or feelings in order to 'keep the peace' we sacrifice intimacy. Don't ever sacrifice who you are in order to fit what you think someone else's expectations of you are. It will never work out. Sooner or later they'll find out you aren't being authentic and it'll create an even bigger issue. Be honest, but not unreasonable. Listen to what your partner has to say and try to see it from their perspective. Exploring things through discussion is healthy. Just don't scream or call your partner names. Remember that it is possible to fight in a healthy way. And apologize when you know you've overstepped boundaries.

Quick quote

Just a quick post today. I'm reading a great new book in school called  "Counseling and Therapy for Couples" by Lynn I. Long and Mark E. Young and Brooks/Cole. In it they mentioned a great quote I wanted to share with you. I'm paraphrasing, but basically it said that great couples don't look into each other's eyes, they look in the same direction. Remember that. The same goals, dreams, and wants in life matter so much more than just adoration for each other. You can't spend your life in a bubble. Your partner is your really that- your partner in crime, in life. When you want the same things in life, you always have your best friend right beside you, sharing the weight of the journey.

Under the surface

So I'm back in school now- yay! I'm actually excited, believe it or not. I want to get done and start working with real people as soon as possible. Even though that's a year away (sigh). Anyway, I wanted to share the therapeutic process with you. You might have wondered, how do therapists talk to someone and find out what's bothering them? It's easy to look at a sad person and think, "they must be depressed." But why? We therapists are trained to look for what's really going on, or what we call the "underlying issue." It's like when your mom or boyfriend is angry at you. They might avoid your call, be quiet more, avoid giving you hugs or kisses. Those are symptoms of their frustration. What's really going on is that they're upset that you forgot their birthday, for example. But often it's hard for people to verbalize what's really bothering them, so it comes out in little ways. Mental illness is another matter entirely, but it's similar in the respect that things are often not as they seem. People have many layers, and beneath the surface is where the truth lies. It's just often hard to get there. We break up, run away, move away, and cheat because of a million reasons, one of which is fear. You're scared of falling in love, of being vulnerable, and of getting hurt. Why? Because of issues you might not even be aware of. You have a bad relationship with your father because he was never around- that could be why you always sabotage your relationships before they get too serious. Our lives are linked like this. Things that happened 20 years ago reflect who we are today. The one thing we can never run from, is our past. For better or worse, it's part of who we are.

We met online....

A good friend of mine recently entered into the exciting but unknown world of online dating. It seems like everyone I talk to nowadays met online. It's the new bar. But the difference is that a lot of people online (not everyone of course) actually want a relationship. They want to get dinner and not just drinks. They want to date not just hook up. They text or email you often instead of a week later. She tells me it's refreshing to be with men who are actually that: men, not boys. On the other hand, I've heard horror stories from the trenches of online dating, where men have turned out to be boozers, womanizers, moochers....the list goes on and on. What do you think? Is online dating the newest craze or is it going to fizzle out in a few years? I'm not on Match, Perfect Harmony, or Plenty of Fish, but for those of you who are, I hope that your inbox is full of sincere, honest words- not empty promises. Because if you're online looking for love, you should at least meet others who want the same thing. If you're looking for casual sex, do the old fashioned thing and go to the bar!

Little things

I don't self-disclose a lot in this blog because I want it to be more about how to keep a relationship alive, not how I keep MY relationship going. Every couple is different. They all have their own magic chemistry 'thing' that keeps the fire burning when the days of sexy black lingerie has given way to leopard print Snuggies. That having been said, I did want to share a special moment that I truly believe is what keeps me feeling so in love with my bf after almost 5 years. I was standing in the kitchen today making myself an avocado and egg open-faced sandwich on wheat bread (which is delicious by the way, you gotta try it) and he came up behind me, wrapped his arms around me, and gave me a kiss. He then told me he was there for me, in his own words. It was simple, short, but meaningful. It's little gestures like these that keep love alive. Because quick pecks and hugs are great- most of the time. You need those wonderful tiny moments of connection to remind you why you're grateful to have love in your life. Especially when you're cleaning their hair out of the sink or picking up their dirty clothes for the hundredth time. Those meaningful looks, kisses, hugs, words (along with regular sex) remind each other that being in a relationship is work but it's also a privilege- not a right. Be grateful for your partner, and they'll be grateful for you.

Common Interests

You both like Blue Moon. And National Lampoon movies. And Tupac. That doesn't mean you're soulmates, but it does count for something. Finding a partner whom you'll be able to handle all the horrible and wonderful things life throws at you is tough. But here are a few words of advice: besides her skin that's softer than silk, her crystal blue eyes and her perfect butt, what do you two actually have in common? Shared passions is huge in making a relationship last. Not just superficial things like physical beauty (which fades, like lust, over time) or fun things like favorite movies and books. Real things in common, like a shared love of pets, kids, staying in on Saturday nights, leading an active life, the same morals- stuff that's the same at 20 as it is at 70. Because a cute guy whose sense of humor makes your belly ache will keep you happy far longer than one whose smokin hot with a so-so personality. I know it sounds hokey to say, but it really is the internal stuff that matters. Besides a strong physical connection, you need to feel comfortable around your life partner. And after a long day, nothing is more comfortable than sharing what you love with the one you love.

Taking Charge

This is to the women out there: have you ever asked a man out? Like sidled up to him at a bar, complimented his cute smile and nice eyes and then asked him if he'd care for another Blue Moon? You have? Well, how forward of you! My next question is, how did it go? I'm curious because I've never done that. I'm way too scared of rejection to ever approach a man. Back in my swinging single days (yeah right), I had one move: the eyes. I'd make eye contact with a hot guy and smile- that's it. He'd either come over if he was interested or look away if he wasn't. Years later I see more and more girls and Cosmo advice columns recommending girls to take charge and be assertive. Why should guys have to do all the work? (that's the new catchphrase) This irritates me. Not that I have a problem with women asking men out, that's cool, why not? But there are some men who rely entirely on women to make the first move, the first text, the first date, etc... They've gotten so lazy. A man who meets a cute girl shouldn't text her at 10 at night with the passionless words "hey, great to meet you last week. Whatcha doin?" Gross. What a turn-off. Okay so it isn't 1895 when men courted women and asked their father for permission to take them to church, but come on. Women deserve to be treated with respect and yeah, I think that we deserve to be wooed. Men should open our car doors, call us a few days before and after a date, pay for the first date, and not get too physical on the first date. I know this makes me sound pretty old-fashioned, which I am, so take it with a grain of salt. Also, to the men out there, I think you should be treated pretty good too. Laides, if you like a guy, bake them their favorite cookies, get them tickets to their favorite team, or buy their buddies a round of drinks. Dating is not all about the girl, it's an equal partnership. I just believe that women should be courted in the beginning because well, that's how I like it! Also, we have something you want, so you better treat us well if you want to get it guys. (wink, wink) And girls, remember that you NEVER "owe" a guy anything because he bought you dinner. So what!? He got the pleasure of your company, he doesn't automatically get action because you got the steak. Oh, and if you're one of those brave gals who asks men out? Technically you should pay, but let's face it most guys won't let you, so definitely try to but don't insist if he wants to do it. He should still be a gentleman even though you did the asking. Think of it this way: you went out on a limb and make the first move. Now it's his turn to take charge.

One Day

I recently saw the Anne Hathaway movie "One Day." I won't spoil it for those of you who haven't seen it and want to in the future, but I will share with you the lesson I took away from that movie: Life is fragile. Enjoy the moments you have with the person you love. All the stupid stuff (like how he never manages to put his clothes in the hamper even though it's two feet away) is really pointless compared to loving, kissing, and laughing with the one who makes you feel alive. Those who are lucky enough to have found someone to love who loves them back- cherish that, be grateful for that, and remember to tell your love each and every day how much you love them. Because the only guarantee in life is that things will change.

PS: For the single guys and gals out there, I want you to know that just because you're single doesn't mean life is trivial. It may just mean that you haven't met "the one" yet, or it may be that you're having too much fun to worry about settling down. Every part of our life has a stage, and you may be in the single phase now- that's okay. Just remember to be open to meeting different types of people and the world will open up to you. Love your friends, family, pets, etc. while you can. That's what life is all about.

Timing and Soulmates

Timing is everything dear readers. Where and when you meet people has a huge impact on whether or not you'll date them or not. For example, many men aren't ready to commit until they're more established, which happens roughly around the ages of 28-38ish. (but all men are different, so this varies a lot) So a man who meets an incredible, beautiful woman and falls in love with her might not be ready to settle down yet. Either he hasn't finished sowing his wild oats, or he doesn't feel ready (financially and emotionally) to have a wife and kids. It's like that old Sex and the City episode where the girls compare men to cabs. If their light isn't on, they aren't ready to pick up their Mrs.Right. That doesn't mean they won't drive around picking up girls, it just means none of them will make it all the way home until that man is ready. But love is a crazy thing and it makes us do things that aren't really rational. So men and women will settle down for reasons that don't make sense. They don't want to lose that person so they reluctantly get married to keep them. Or they 'accidentily' get pregnant. Or they date for 6 months, have great sex, then pop the question before they've had their first fight. Women nowadays are getting married later too, and it's less of a major life goal. But we still want it all. We want the white dress and the awesome job we rock at. Oh, and the 2 cute kids that are the only children we can stand to be around because other people's kids are annoying. Whether you meet your 'soul mate' (a term I don't like because it implies there' s only one person in the WHOLE WORLD of over 6 billion people that you're meant to be with) at 26, 36, or 56 can change the course of your whole life. The person you marry you might not have met if you hadn't took that job or gone to that college. And you might not be with them forever. It's all about timing and luck of the draw as to whether you meet your 'soulmate' today or ten years from now. Although, I'm pretty sure there's more than one person in the world who will share your love of 30 Rock and mint chocolate chip ice cream. I think we have lots of soulmates, or rather people we can love who will love us back. What life stage each person is at also has a huge impact on whether or not their relationship will survive. What I do know is that life is full of wonderful people. I wish you all a lifetime full of them, and hopefully at least one 'soulmate.'

Yeah but....

The other day in class we learned that words are everything when it comes to relationships. How you say things is so critical. For example, if you told your boyfriend that he needs to help you with your car because you don't know how to do it and that's his job you're going to sound like a nag. That's the number one thing you DON'T want to do. Don't nag- it reminds him of his mother. Not hot- sorry mom. Instead, if you asked your boyfriend to help you with your car because he's amazing at that kind of stuff and you'd be really grateful (wink, wink) if he helped you, you're way more likely to get his help and he'll be happy giving it.

When it comes to communicating with you partner about your wants and needs (another essential skill, we aren't mind readers people) try saying "I think xyz and....." not "I think xyz but..." Saying but is a negative word. It disqualifies everything you just said. Here's an example of a conversation with and and but- see if you can see the difference.
Husband: Honey you look great today.
Wife: Yeah but this dress has a hole in it so it looks kind of weird. Thanks though honey.
Husband: Uhhhh, okay you're welcome. (feeling deflated and less likely to compliment you in the future)
         OR
Husband: Honey you look great today
Wife: Yeah and this dress isn't even new. Thanks honey.
Husband: You're welcome (feeling satisfied with himself)
Next time you're trying to say something or responding to your partner remember to use and. It's positive and your point will be heard in a better light than if you say but. If you're trying to tell your partner something and he says "Yeah I hear you, but...." it is irritating as heck. I may or may not be speaking from personal experience here :-)  And adds to conversations, while but puts things behind. Pun intended!

Marriage

I met a couple today that's been married twelve years. They have three kids. And they got married after only 6 months of dating. How do you think they acted? After that much time, many marriages are in the comfortable phase. Many have lost their spark. And many are in trouble. Jobs, kids, stress, changing bodies, boring sex- it all adds up to a lot of work to keep a relationship fresh. So, back to the couple. They were all over each other. Not in a gross way, but in a fun, sexy way. They cuddled, held hands for a bit, laughed together. It was so refreshing to see a couple that was still in love and happy after that many years. I know in the grand scheme of things twelve years isn't a whole lot. But let's face it- the divorce rate in our country is 50% and lots of people split up after only a few years or at over 20. Seeing this couple gave me hope for the future. Add the fact that they got married quickly and it's even more amazing. They told me "when you know, you know." There's a lesson in this couple. They were on a date. No kids, just them. And they had me take a picture of them snuggling together by the fire. It's vital to take the time to nourish your relationship away from your children. Without a strong foundation you have nothing holding the family together. My mom always told me: Put your marriage first, and your kids second. That's good advice. So for those of you who are married, I hope that your marriage will be fresh and romantic after two, twelve, twenty years- just like the sweet couple I met. A sweet and fulfilling relationship that lasts through the thick and thin? That's all any of us can hope for.

Fighting....yeah it sucks

Let's face it: fighting with your partner is not fun. It's frustrating to believe something that your love strongly doesn't believe, trying your best convincing them otherwise, and getting nowhere. Of course most people don't like fighting with their girlfriends or boyfriends. We want to have fun and laugh with our significant others- they're our partners in crime, not our adversaries. But life is rough and fights are bound to happen. Show me a couple that doesn't ever, EVER fight and I'll show you a dysfunctional relationship. Couples' fighting is normal, but that doesn't mean you have to like it. So how do you fight fairly and not have a fight ruin your night, or even possibly destroy your relationship? Tip #1: Sometimes it's best to just agree to disagree. You will not see eye to eye with your spouse about everything and that's okay. Tip #2: Go to your separate corners. After a fight, it's best to get some space from each other to cool off. Perspective isn't instantaneous, it takes awhile for you to realize what's really important. Tip #3: Apologize when you're wrong, but not if you don't mean it. Don't give in just to end an argument- if you do nothing will ever get settled and you'll be resentful and feel like a doormat. But do say you're sorry if you really did say or do something that was out of line. Remember that fighting stinks but is necessary to resolve conflicts sometimes. Also, there's nothing better than making up afterwards. :-)

Anger

We recently learned in class that anger isn't just anger. It's a defense mechanism for another emotion, such as sadness or fear. When people get angry about something, there's really an underlying issue. For example, when a woman gets mad that her husband stays out late and doesn't call, her anger is code for her being scared he isn't committed to her, or that she isn't a priority. Or if a husband is angry when his wife breaks his favorite mug he's really scared she doesn't care about his things, and therefore him. Anger can be a mask as well. It's protects us from letting others know what's really going on. Past issues show up as anger in the present. Getting furious at your spouse for forgetting your anniversary may remind you of how your father used to forget your birthday every year. Old wounds don't just go away because you grow up- they just scab over and leave a scar. We are all products of our families, for better or worse. When it comes to relationships, we often marry or date people who remind us (usually subconsciously) of our parents. And if there was anger in your childhood, you either learn to cope with it by being angry yourself or retreating from it. Remember next time you get upset at your partner to slow down, take a breath, ask yourself what's really bothering you? What does this remind you of? Getting in touch with your feelings will help you communicate what's really bothering you instead of just screaming at your lover. Anger won't get anything accomplished, and it certainly won't solve any arguments. Be honest with yourself and your partner and tell them as calmly as you can what's really going on. Fear? Sadness? Embarrassment? Insecurity? Admit the truth and you'll be able to communicate better and solve arguments much easier than ever before.

Birthdays

Remember being a kid and looking forward to your birthday all year? It was the one day where you could stuff your face with ice cream, pizza and cake and your mom would just smile and ask if you'd like more. It was your day. You got presents with shiny ribbons and could be as selfish as you wanted to be, no questions asked. But as you get older and pass the milestones of 16, 18, and 21, something weird happens. Birthdays no longer are looked forward to each year with eager anticipation. They're regarded with either apprehension or a "it's no big deal" attitude. And when you're with a partner, it's a whole different ballgame. What do you get them? As a woman, I find men to be incredibly hard to shop for. It's not like you can get them flowers and a shiny necklace and call it a day. If men want something, they buy it. So what do you get them for their birthday? Besides incredibly expensive toys like watches, shades, phones and cars, men don't lust for many things...besides women. That's why I recommend unconventional gifts for your significant other. Don't get me wrong, if your honey has been hinting that he/she wants a certain trinket for their birthday and it's not outrageous then be sweet and buy it for them. However, if they just say "You don't have to get me anything" or "I don't know, I don't need anything," then that's your cue to surprise them with something romantic that won't break the bank. Try a photo calender they can keep on their desk at work, or a homemade mug with a sweet message on it. These things aren't expensive but I guarantee they will be remembered far longer than another bottle of cologne or pretty dress. Because at the end of the day, it's not our birthdays that we dread as we get older, it's that we won't have anyone to spend them with. If you remind your love that they're the most special person in your life, every day of the year? Now that's a great birthday gift.

Texting

Remember when people actually called each other? Before IPhones and texting you actually had to be home in order to talk to someone. Today things are much more convenient, but also much more annoying. We are never truly alone anymore. Cell phones connect everyone with each other 24/7. It's nice to have that access when you want an ambulance or need a ride home from the bars, but there is such a thing as TOO much contact. Texting your guy/girl ten times a day to say things like, "LOL my coffee is good today!" or "Ugh my boss sucks!" can lead to texting overdose. You mate doesn't need to hear all the details of your day play-by-play. It takes the mystery away from the lovely moment at the end of the day when you haven't seen your partner all day and you fill each other in on what you both have been up to. Plus, no one really needs to know how good your breakfast burrito was or how you're stoked about getting off work soon. It's like twitter or facebook- too much contact is just plain too much. Keep the mystery and spark in your relationship by limiting your texts to the occasional "I love you" or "Can't wait to see you tonight sexy." And don't neglect the old-fashioned phone call. Because nothing is better than hearing the voice of the person you love, as opposed to the "ding-ding" of your smart phone.

Flirting

Lots of people flirt. Especially at work, where you spend roughly 50% of your time. Flirting helps pass the time and makes work more fun. People also flirt with the bartender, barista, sales associate, doctor, lifeguard, you name it. It's human nature. So where do relationships fit in? Do you think flirting constitutes cheating? People are torn by the issue of flirting. Some thing it's harmless and others would rather have their significant other stop bathing for a week than smile at the cute 19-year old hostess. Personally I don't see the harm in it, as long as I don't physically have to see it. I know my bf is charming and handsome, but I don't want to see other girls swoon over his dimples. If he does it when I'm not around (which I'm sure he does), why do I care? As long as your partner isn't rude or disrespectful (like giving out his or her number, for example- a definite no-no), it's just flirting. When you're with your love, focus all of your romantic attention on them. They are who matter, not some random guy or girl. And they are who you should flirt with most of the time. The other times, when you smile or are extra friendly in order to score a free scone at Starbucks? It's not a big deal, so don't create a problem where there isn't one.

Friends

Romantic relationships are wonderful. (most of the time!) But they come with more pressure. Not exactly pressure to look great all the time or always be in a good mood (we all know that can't last forever), but pressure to help take care of the other person emotionally and physically. You can't ignore your wife for a month because you're busy and then call her up and ask if she'd like to get lunch and a mani-pedi. But you best friend on the other hand- you can. You can call her at 2am and she'll listen to you cry about that manipulative jerk who broke your heart. You can talk about yourself for the entire talk and it's okay, she'll listen. You can show up at her door with no makeup, wet hair, and tub of ice cream and it'll be the best night ever. Having a good friend is wonderful. It's what gets us through life. They're like a hot cup of sweet cocoa on a blistery cold night. They're always there to warm your soul and cheer you up. As much as I love my bf, if anything were to happen I know that I'd be okay because I have good friends in my life to make me smile, no matter what. No conditions, no rules, just friendship.

The Little Things

Sometimes it's a big fancy night out, or a gorgeous vase of red roses. Other times it's just taking your dishes to the kitchen. What am I talking about? Gestures. Big or small, it's important to appreciate the gestures your partner does for you. The other day my bf was making dinner for his friends. I mentioned that it looked good and said maybe I'd have a little. About 20 minutes later he walked into where I was studying and brought me a bowl of pasta. It was a small thing, but it really meant a lot to me. Remember those little things just as much as the big ones, and you'll have a happier outlook on your relationship. So many times we all focus on what isn't working. He always leaves his clothes on the floor. She always forgets to do that for me. He'd rather be with his friends than me. Taking a moment to think about (and openly thank) your partner for all the tiny things they do for you is essential. Plus, it makes you want to do nice things for them, which in turn leads them to do more nice things for you- a wonderful repeating cycle. Let's face it- not many people can afford to buy you extravagant presents or fly you around the country. But is that really love? Perhaps it is in some cases- it's different for every relationship. But a guy (or girl) who will bring you dinner or wash your dishes? That's priceless.

Date Night

If you live with the person you love, you tend to see them a lot. You brush your teeth together in the morning and at night, battle over TiVo space, and share those oh-so-fun chores like cleaning hair out of the shower drain and doing the dishes. You tend to do a lot of the stuff you didn't do when you were first dating. No taking two hours to get ready to make sure you're scrubbed, lotioned, and perfumed. No chewing minty gum all the type in preparation for those impromptu kisses. And no wearing sexy underwear (matching sets, preferably) to bed. After a couple years, it's more like his old undershirts and maybe some cute pj bottoms. While there is a wonderful intimacy that comes from being completely comfortable around your partner, there is a loss of shine in a long-term relationship. You simply don't have to try as hard anymore. It's game over, you've won. But how then do you keep the relationship special and sexy when you share a toilet? Here are ten tips for keeping each other interested year after year. In truth, you DO have to try hard, just in a different way:
1. Kiss each other hello, goodbye, good morning, and good night- everyday
2. Make time to get dressed up and go out together (happy hours are a great cheap option)
3. Cook for each other- food is love
4. Surprise each other with a special present (it can be big or small, like a video game, movie, or flowers)
5. Do something to help your partner out- if they need to go to the post office but don't have time, help them out
6. Take a little extra time to get ready- for yourself and your partner. Feeling great about yourself is important because it helps remind your partner that you're hot and they're lucky to have you!
7. Give compliments to each other
8. Remember to say thank you for things- don't take each other for granted
9. Do new things together (mini golf, picnic, car racing, baseball game, etc.)
10. Take turns giving and receiving in the bedroom, and change it up. Even something as fun as sex can get boring and routine if you do it the same every time. Use your imagination! Try talking about fantasies, doing it in different areas of your place, or playing sexy games with each other. It is possible to make it exciting again.

Be nice

Just a quick post today. This is some of the best advice I've learned in school. No matter how angry you are, how sad, how furious, how betrayed, etc., remember one thing: Be nice. This is a person you love. So be nice to each other, no matter how hard that is. I'm not saying don't be honest, don't share how you feel. But don't call someone demeaning names or treat them like garbage. You will thank yourself later, trust me. If you're ending your relationship, you'll be the better person for it. And if you're just in a fight, you'll recover a lot faster if you haven't really hurt your partner's feelings. Because no matter how much they say they forgot you called them that...they didn't. And you know they'll bring it up someday, which will cause another fight. You wouldn't treat a stranger like that, so why is it okay to treat your lover that way? So remember to just be nice, no matter how hard it is.

Drunk Talk

How do you act when you drink? Are you happy, angry, emotional? Some girls will turn into free-spirited strippers after too many Cape Cods, while others drunk-dial old loves to reminisce about what went wrong. Other gals get angry and spew insults at their boyfriends. Do you think alcohol makes you more of who you are or does it distort your personality? Either way, drinking is both a fun and dangerous activity to do with your partner. It lowers your inhibitions, so no matter what kind of drunk you are, you do tend to open up more. Intense, deep conversations may occur only when you're buzzed and it's not so scary to talk about marriage or your fear of dying. You can use these opportunities to really connect with your partner in a good way. But the flip side of this coin is the arguments and tears that alcohol can also bring. More truthful conversations can bring up dormant issues that only lead to arguments. So, what do you do when you want to get drunk with your lover but avoid any unpleasant memories the next morning? My best advice is (just like drinking with your buddies) pace yourself. Don't get so plastered that your man has to babysit you. Double-fist it with a drink in one hand and a glass of water in the other. Trust me, it will benefit you in the future when you actually remember that you said "I love you" for the first time. No one ever said, "Man, I wish I had that third shot of Patron instead of water!" Because drinking can add sexy memories to date night, or it can add tears and toilets. That's up to you.

Getting Turned Down

Sometimes you and your partner may be totally in sync when it comes to sex. With one passionate look, the two of you know- it is on! That's great when it happens, but what if it doesn't? No one likes to be rejected when it comes to getting busy. Sometimes you initiate, sometimes your partner does, and rejection is bound to occur on both sides. It's completely normal to get upset when this happens to you. It's hard not to take it personally when your lover is choosing to sleep, watch TV, or just relax instead of doing you. But being "in the mood" is merely that- a mood. Stress, medication, lack of sleep, eating too much, not feeling sexy, and being too hot or cold can all affect your libido.  While it's easy to get offended if you're turned down, try to remember that just because he/she didn't want to have sex this moment doesn't mean that: 1. They don't love you  2. They don't find you sexually attractive  3. Something is wrong with your relationship. Sometimes, it's just sex and they're just not in the mood. Relax and remember that there will always be another time. Unless this is a pattern and it's really hurting your relationship, you don't have to worry about the occasional mood swing. Don't pout if you don't get your way, that's not sexy. Going with the flow and doing your own thing is much more attractive. Making your partner feel guilty for not being intimate with you also won't help you get some loving in the future. Often women who initiate a lot more than their partners might make their men feel emasculated, so laying off for awhile gives the guys a shot at taking charge. Men getting rejected by their partners is also very common, and when it happens it's normal for a guy to feel a little bummed. If you're rejected for sex, try a quick kiss, say "That's okay babe," and go do something else. Don't let it get to you. Confidence about yourself and your relationship is extremely alluring, insecurity is not. Who knows, he or she might just surprise you next time.

Compliments

"You look great baby; wow am I lucky to have you!" That is one sentence I rarely hear from my boyfriend. A lot of men are like this. They don't notice your new highlights, $150 jeans, or that you spent two hours getting ready. It's not that they don't appreciate when you look good, it's just that they aren't as vocal as women. Girls will scream, "OMG girl, love the red lips; you look hot!" They'll notice everything from your cute coral nail polish to your new Marc Jacobs purse. Men just see the overall picture and mostly keep their comments to themselves. It may seem annoying sometimes that he doesn't compliment you much (especially if you're the type, like myself, to always tell your man how handsome he looks) but just because he doesn't say it out loud doesn't mean he doesn't feel it. Just like saying "I love you," women will often say it much more than their mates. Also, remember that while he may not compliment you when you're looking sexy in a black mini dress, he also doesn't criticize you when you're sitting around in your dirty sweats with unbrushed hair, glasses and no makeup. He loves you and thinks you're beautiful no matter what- really. Don't expect him to notice the small stuff (cute or ugly). It's like men see the world without their contacts and women have Lasik-perfect vision. It may be annoying to get more praise from your girls than your boyfriend, but at 7:00am when I look like the "before" pictures on Extreme Makeover, I'd much rather be seen through foggy eyes than 20/20 vision.

Missing Each Other

There are some couples who spend every night together. They eat dinner together, sleep together, talk or text throughout the day, and generally are in touch 24/7. That's all well and good, but sometimes there's such a thing as too much together time. When we first start dating someone, it's like magic. Uncovering someone else's secrets is intoxicating. What do they smell like? What kind of underwear do they wear? What's their favorite food and cocktail? What makes them tick? You see each other a few times a week and get giddy at the sight of a text with their name as the receiver. Flash forward 3 years and you get used to that new car smell. Relationships become so familiar that you don't see all the little things that make your partner special. That's why I am such a big believer in alone time; and friend time- apart from each other. Go to the movies alone, get drinks with your friends, take a trip somewhere...without your partner. It reinvigorates the relationship to not be attached at the hip. It gets you excited to see your love if you haven't already heard about their day in 15 texts. In case you haven't guessed I'm a car freak. So, here's another car metaphor to describe a long-term relationship. If you have a gorgeous Porshe sitting in your garage and you drive it everyday, after awhile it won't make your heart race anymore. But if you take it out for a long drive once a week, it's more of an experience you look forward to. Everything gets old if you do it all the time (including sex). So if things are getting kind of old between you and your mate, try  missing each other. It makes the time you do spend together that much more special.

Traditional Gender Roles

So I know it's 2011 and women and men have more equality now than ever before. I love that women can be firefighters, astronauts, CEOs, whatever they want. (except president...yet) I think that's great and I consider myself a feminist. But what I like about my relationship with my boyfriend is that it's pretty darn traditional. I cook, clean, and do the laundry. (hence the blog name) This may seem like your relationship, or not. I have friends who split the household chores and others where the man does the cooking. It's all about whatever works for you as a couple. As long as you don't feel resentful cleaning the toilet or guilty not cooking, it's okay. Talk to each other about who does what around the house and form an agreement you both like. Sometimes I feel guilty about not working that much, but then I whip up a spicy-garlic-mustard-apricot pork tenderloin for his dinner and I realize he's lucky to have a live-in maid and cook!  Here's the recipe for that dish, which I improvised for dinner tonight:

SPICY GARLIC MUSTARD APRICOT PORK TENDERLOIN:

1. Buy a 1.5 lb pork tenderloin
2. Marinate it in a mixture of 1/2 a jar of apricot preserves, 1/2 a jar of whole grain garlic mustard, 4 chopped up Serrano chilies, 2 heaping tablespoons of garlic, and 2 tablespoons of oil. Split the mixture in half. Put half with the pork and save the other for dipping/glazing later. Let the pork sit in the mixture in the fridge for anywhere from 2 hrs to overnight
3. Put aluminium foil on a baking sheet and bake at 400 degrees for about 45 min. to an hour.
4. It's done when the pork is no longer pink in the middle. Let it sit for about 5 min and then cut and enjoy. Yum!! PS: I served this with orzo with garlic, oil, red peppers, and lemon juice

Work

So what happens when your partner works much more (or less) than you? That's the position I find myself in. I'm working part-time and going to school part-time. In other words, I've got lots of free time. My boyfriend on the other hand is busy; really busy. He's always going to work, meetings, social stuff. I feel so lazy compared to him. I try to be the best "wife" possible and do the laundry, cooking, and errand stuff for us. But often times I feel bad when he's dead tired heading off to work in the morning and I"m sitting on the computer enjoying a delicious pieced of whole wheat peanut butter toast. (my fave) I won't have a steady job until school is out so there's really nothing I can do, but still. I guess my best advice is that if this is your problem too, just be supportive of each other. Whether you work more or less than the other person, try to do the things they don't have time for. Trust me, they'll appreciate your extra help and return the favor when it's you who is working day and night. Just let each other know in some small way that all that hard work is appreciated. No one likes to feel taken for granted or not special.

Background

Hello Internet! Let me start by introducing myself. My name is Molly and I live with my long-term boyfriend. I'm also currently a grad student for marriage and family therapy. What I really want to do is couples counseling and sex therapy. I want this blog to be a place where people can ask questions or simply read about how to keep a relationship alive in the long run. Hope you like my blog! Feel free to leave me comments or questions.