Great quote

Short post today- just was reading my wonderful book "Clinical Handbook of Couple Therapy" edited by Gurman and Jacobson that I've mentioned before on the blog, when I saw a great quote I wanted to share with you guys. In essence, it's about a healthy couple. A healthy realtionship is best viewed within the context of the individual partners, the couple, and the couple's environment. A healthy couple relationship is "one in which both indivduals contribute to the well-being of the realtionship as a unit. This means both partners have formed an effective partnership- reaching decisions and resolving problems effectively, developing a sense of intimacy and carying, communicating constructively, engaging as a couple in a variety of mutually rewarding and engaging activities..." (pg.29) Great advice- and true. It's not totally romantic, but a good way of looking at being in a couple. It is a bit like a parntership in business, only it's in love. You make compromises, agree to do certain things in exchange for what you want, and you make time to be together to get things done that will benefit both of you. There's a lot of "How about I do this ________ and you do _______, that okay with you?" Bargaining is an important skill to learn because no one wins when you fight so hard to get your way, you create  a huge argument over something trivial. Pick you battles people! It's not that big of a deal if he won't pick up his clothes. Don't let it drive you crazy. Just agree that you'll pick up his clothes, if he picks up the check! (or something like that, work it out best for what you both want)

In a Funk

No I'm not talking about loud, vibrant music you jive turkey! (it's obvious I'm white by that awful sentence) I'm talking about being "in a funk" Feeling sluggish, bored, or sad for no reason at all. Recently I've experienced being in a funk with my partner. I think lots of couples can identify with this feeling. You love each other and everything is great, but there's just something missing sometimes. Long-term relationships go through peaks and valleys, it's important to remember this and not freak out and think you're "making a huge mistake" when you're really just in a 'down' period. Things can't be red-hot and super exciting forever- it's just not realistic. Love, compassion, friendship- these are the qualities that should never fade in a relationship. But 'I got to have you now' passion and interest in each other varies over time. The passion you felt for each other initially may have been masking a difference in levels of sexual desire. Now that the steam has lifted, you're left wanting intimacy once a week in the morning while he prefers it every night. This can get frustrating. Often couples aren't in the mood at the same time. In fact, only 50% of marital sex in happy couples occurs when both partners are in the mood or orgasmic. The other 50% of the time it takes an effort to get turned on at the same time. As far as my 'funk' goes, I think the lesson I've learned is to NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Ladies, gents, please relax and refrain from getting really hurt or upset if your partner isn't in the mood, or is busy at work, or needs a 'guys' or 'girls' night. Like I've said before, being apart is actually healthy for a relationship. You need to be apart so you can appreciate your love and remember how life would suck if they weren't around. I would possibly be sitting alone on my couch with several cats eating two-day old Chinese takeout...Who knows? Hopefully my funk will fade soon. Until then, I'm going to take care of myself (nothing makes you feel LESS in the mood than feeling unattractive or fat), stay busy, and continue to remind my partner how wonderful and sexy and amazing he is. Those little kisses and touches are just as important as a steamy date night. And both those things (giving compliments and affection) only help improve a relationship.

What's Between the Ears...

Okay so I know that's a random title for a blog post, but today I was watching Dr.Phil and I actually learned something. I know he's kinda of a cheesy and not a real doctor, but he had an interesting show on marriage counseling. This one featured couples on the brink of divorce. The men were chauvinists, batterers, and all-around troubled guys. The women were victims, codependents, and pretty much miserable in their marriages. In one of his interventions, he had three different married women come to talk to the men in these troubled relationships. These women were strangers to the men, but offered some really great advice I want to share with you.
1. Never walk away from a fight. If you're getting so heated that you can't take it anymore, say something (as calmly as you can) such as, "I need some time to calm down. Let's finish this discussion in the morning when we both have had time to think. I think I'll be able to understand your point of view better then, I'm too upset now." That way she/he won't see you as walking away from the fight, more as taking a breather so you can better understand him/her better later- it's pacifying. Wording counts. Saying "Get out of my face!" will only make your partner want to get more in your face-it's antagonizing.
2. A woman's sex drive is in between her ears. (as in, her brain) Tell her she's beautiful, special, sexy, appreciated. That will make her more horny than any music/flowers/song/wine ever will. Also, expecting anything sexual is also a huge turn-off. No one is 'supposed' to have sex with you. And why would you want to be with someone who feels it's just their 'duty' to be with you intimately? However, if you tell your woman she's the love of your life (and mean it, don't just say it to get sex)- now that's sexy.
3. Do things for each other that you know you like, just because. For example, if he loves kung pow chicken, bring it home for him when he's had a long day. Or if she loves Skittles, surprise her with a pack on your next movie date. It's as corny as ever, but it really is the little things that count. Doing sweet things not to get something in return, but just to make your partner happy, that is love.

Just Friends?

I want to tackle to age old question today: can men and women just be friends? Furthermore, can a couple make friends independently that are of the opposite sex, after they've gotten together? Being in a relationship comes with some negotiation in regards to friends. Whose friends will you hang out with? Will you friends go together well? These questions can't be answered by a generic, simple response because every couple and relationship is different. What I can say though, is that, if you can't trust your man to talk/text/hang out with a friend of the opposite sex for a reasonable amount of time (they can't see them more than they see you!), can you really trust them at all? Isn't that what trust is about? That said, it's normal to be a little jealous if you girl has a guyfriend. You think "He just wants to sleep with you" and hey- maybe he does. But she's with YOU, not him, for a reason, and that won't change as long as you two have a strong relationship that she's committed to. I used to get a little (okay more than a little) green envy when my boyfriend would casually mention any girl friend he talked to, or even past girlfriends he had. It was when he got genuinely upset with my behavior and got tired of telling me nothing was going on that I stopped. My insecurity was pushing us apart, not his behavior. But while that turned out well, there have also been times when my "woman alert" as I like to call it, has gone off, and I've been right. Lesson? Listen to your gut- it's never fails you. Have friends that are men, friends that are women, and friends that you two have in common as a couple. Be cool (NOT controlling) about your partner's friends- they're his friends and he has every right to have them. It's his life, not yours. Trust is something we all want to rely on, until it's broken. Listen to your gut for any warning signs, but also give him the same trust he gives you. And a little jealousy can be cute and sexy, if it's done that way instead of an insecure way. It kind of reminds your partner you care. Keyword here is a little. Because no one wants to date their parents-i.e. "Those friends are a bad influence on you." Saying "Hey, why don't you do your thing, I do mine, and we meet up later for a drink?" Much better. Pulling away allows your partner to miss you. It's rubber band rule of dating: the more you're loose and understanding, the easier things are. The more uptight and rigid you are, the more tense are. (weird metaphor, just go with it) Because, would you really want to be with someone who won't "let" you do stuff? No, and neither would your mate. It's called dating people, not prison.

A Soldier Gave Me Good Advice Today...

I could never be in the military. Don't get me wrong- I think it's amazing that people from all walks of life are able to devote their lives to serving our country. I'm just too weak and scared to ever try. So instead I say THANK YOU to all those out there who do. Today I was at work when I met a woman and man dressed in military fatigues. We began to talk and when I mentioned I was in school to become a marriage and family counselor, she gave me some great advice. The kind military lady told me about how you need to discuss certain things with your mate. She also told me that if you rub a guy's feet while you're dating, he'll expect it forever, so be careful spoiling your mate too much!  Her words mimicked the advice I just learned in school, which is that it's SO important to talk about practical stuff before you get serious/move in/get married. Things such as: what chores each of you will do, how you'll raise the kids, what's your basic view of life, how you spend money, what's your religion and would you convert if you had kids or got married, whose family you'll spend the holidays with, where you want to live, etc. It's not sexy, or fun sometimes, but it's essential. You don't want to suddenly wake up and realize that you desperately want to move to Europe for a year while your boyfriend wants to buy a house and get married within 6 months. Take it from me (I've been there)- being honest now will save you a lot of heartbreak later. Plus, all these questions really help you ultimately become closer to your partner. You know their favorite beer, but do you know where they want to be in their career in 5 years? Ask the questions (not too early on in the relationship though- that can freak someone out) when you're in a serious relationship- you both deserve to know the answers.

Let's Talk About Sex Baby...

Sex is a sensitive subject for many people. It's the most intimate thing you can do with another human being. I know people say that you can have sex without feelings, that having a deep conversation about your thoughts and goals is more intimate than hooking up on a random Friday night, but I disagree. In my opinion, you are at your most vulnerable when you're literally inside another human being. Since it's so private, there are a million psychological issues associated with sex. The most common sexual dysfunction (as my studies have taught me recently), is inhibited sexual desire in women. According to the Clinical Handbook of Couple Therapy by Gurman and Jacobson, "the initial romance love/passionate sex desire found in premarital and extramarital sex does not maintain desire in ongoing relationships." As someone who's been with their partner for 5 years, I can attest to that. That doesn't mean you're doomed to lose all your desire for your partner after the butterflies wear off, but it's completely normal to not have that same "I gotta have you now, you're all I can think about, I don't need food or water or anything but your body!" feeling after a few years. You have to work a little harder to keep things fresh and different. For women, "being nonorgasmic during intercourse is a normal variation, not a dysfunction." That doesn't mean you should just accept that you don't get off during sex. That is not okay. Couples need to find a way to develop their sexual style. Women especially shouldn't feel scared to speak up and ask for what they want.

Here are some steps for women to reach orgasm with their partner:
-multiple stimulation is key, lots of foreplay, identify "orgasm triggers" in masturbation and generalize these to intercourse, request and guide stimulation, make the transition to intercourse at her request, and use her own hand to help get her excited. Sex therapy uses a technique called sensate focus, which is about slowing things down and allowing a couple to just enjoy each other's bodies with no pressure for sex or orgasm. Don't feel bad if you take 30 minutes to come and he takes 3. You each are entitled to pleasure and it's part of being in a relationship to give pleasure to your partner. Women are also more emotional when it comes to sex. Or anything, for that matter. Anger, resentment, or other issues are tied to our sexual appetite. When a girl's husband is a jerk, she doesn't want to jump in the sack. Of course, I'm generalizing here, but you get my drift.

Finally, try to remember that it's not a race, and not every sexual interaction has to end in each of you simultaneously orgasming in the throws of passion- that's a movie sex scene. Just enjoy each moment, smell, touch, kiss, feeling. Sometimes you might not get off, and that's okay. As long as you try. Don't just accept that you 'never' have orgasms. Relax and don't beat yourself up if you don't though. You're human, and that means your sexuality comes in waves. No one 'gives' you an orgasm- you're responsible for your own pleasure. Hopefully all these tips are helpful. Finally, remember the golden rule I always repeat: communicate, communicate, communicate- especially about sex. It's sometimes awkward, just like sex can be. But it will only make your sex life better- as long as you remember the couples communication rule: 5-1: 5 positive statements for every negative one. So every "I don't like it when you bite my lip" is supplemented by "I love it when you kiss me softly, hold me tight, touch my thigh, scratch my back, pull my hair, etc." Because every medicine goes down a whole lot better with a spoonful of sugar.