Taking a Chill Pill

I want to share my own BEST advice I've ever realized and want to share with you. This info has improved my relationship a million percent: Don't freak out. Sometimes things won't go right. You'll be apart for too long or won't have sex for a month. Be relaxed and go with the flow. There's nothing more annoying than a nervous chick (or guy) whining about you getting home 10 minutes late from work so you have to see a later showing of "Twilight" or "2 Fast 2 Furious." It's not a big deal people, so don't make it one.
Note: Ladies: chill, guys do the best they can. Guys: we let you see us naked. 'Nuff said.

PS: Things you SHOULD make a big deal out of: you caught them cheating red-handed, they forgot your birthday, they were mean to you/your friends/your family/a box of kittens for no reason, or they only focus on 'their stuff' in bed. Relationships are a give and take people, learn to embrace sharing.

How to NOT get divorced

Recently I read a really interesting chapter in my 'Assessment of Couples and Families' book. (by Len Sperry) The book mentions 4 things that lead a couple towards divorce. I thought I'd share these with you in order to offer some insight. As a child of divorce myself, I'm pretty bound and determined not to get a divorce. But in reality, things happen and it's MUCH better to divorce than stay in an unhappy marriage because you promised 'for better or worse' or 'for the kids'. (worst excuse ever- you end up modeling an unhappy marriage to your children; not a good idea) Anyway, the 4 interactions that are predictors of divorce are the following: (specifically from Gottman 1993, 1994).
1. Being overly critical towards each other (nagging, nitpicking- unhappy couples average 1 negative comment for 1 positive comment, while happy couples average 5 positive comments for every 1 negative comment)
2. Couples feel/act out contempt for each other (not surprising this is on the list, who in their right mind would want to be wed to someone who hates them?)
3. Partners being defensive and not listening to each other ("more focus is on how a spouse is going to respond to the partner, rather than listening to what the partner is saying," p.17)
4. Stonewalling each other (this refers to shutting down emotionally and just going through the motions with your partner)
Marriage is incredibly hard work, or so I've heard. I say this as a single woman, but one who's in a long-term relationship. I don't know what it's like to be man and wife, (or man and man or woman and woman), but I do know that, while being with someone you love is often easy and carefree, it also takes work every day to keep a relationship alive. Making them dinner, rubbing their back, asking them if they need anything at the grocery, texting them you love them- it's these little things that show you still care. This list was also really interesting to me because it reminds me that being honest, kind, and open with your partner is so incredibly important. Take time to connect with the person you love, but also just listen to them. We all just want to feel heard and understood. It's so easy to just yell or be snippy when you're stressed or tired- we all do it. I'm not saying it's easy but try to make an effort to be sweet, year after year. You're happy relationship will thank you. :-)

We are not alone

This week in school we learned about systems. As in your family system, your work system, your friends system. We are always operating in some sort of system because our lives are made up of relationships. We aren't these isolated creatures that spend our lives alone. They did this cool study on schizophrenic people who were sent away from their homes to a treatment center for the mentally ill. After awhile many of the people improved. But when they sent them back home to their families, they quickly relapsed. It was because their families were also schizophrenic and it triggered their illness. The point of this story is to illustrate that we are composed of our relationships- it shapes us. Each family has their own type of system as well. For example, a dysfunctional system might have one 'bad' member who is known for being disruptive. The other members then have their roles in relation to this person and each other. One might be the 'good sibling' in order to appease the parents. Perhaps the mom is the disciplinarian and boss of the family while the dad is the enabler who gives in to the 'bad son.' In groups of friends there's also a system dynamic. There might be the ringleader, the doormat, the loud one, the funny one, etc. We all know our roles and play them accordingly. In a relationship (like man and wife for example) you also have a system between the two of you. When something goes wrong, try to look at it in relation to how it affects the system. A symptom (such as depression) changes the system and is related to it. If a wife is depressed, look at why she is feeling that way. Besides the biological diagnosis, look at the system she's in and see if it's operating well. Perhaps her husband got laid off and she's feeling depressed because she's had to take on the role of breadwinner and it's extremely stressful. Her depression affects her husband because he feels guilty and begins drinking to feel better. One affects the other. Instead of seeing how A affects B, look at both sides, how B affects A as well. I really like this systemic thinking. As an MFT (marriage and family therapist) I'm learning how useful the family systems model really is and I think it's especially relevant in family and couples therapy. Try it out with your family. Look at each member and see what role they play, and if your family system is a healthy one. Do you have the same routine every single day? Or is the family constantly different, changing. It's healthy to not remain static but to be an evolving system. People change, and age/gender/culture/life stage has a huge impact on how we act at any given time in our life. We are not alone, nor will we ever be, because of the fact alone that we come from somewhere. Even a non-traditional family is a system. You can talk to your cousin, but not anyone else in your family and it's still a system. It's just not a well-functioning one. We are all products of our family system, from the day we're born to the day we die.

Another great quote..about sheep

Here's another cool quote from that book I mentioned in the last post: 'Show me a long-term couple who's never had a fight and I'll show you two sheep.' Haha, so true. We watched a great therapy session last night by Dr. Thomas Hardy and in it he remarked that when we minimize our differences or feelings in order to 'keep the peace' we sacrifice intimacy. Don't ever sacrifice who you are in order to fit what you think someone else's expectations of you are. It will never work out. Sooner or later they'll find out you aren't being authentic and it'll create an even bigger issue. Be honest, but not unreasonable. Listen to what your partner has to say and try to see it from their perspective. Exploring things through discussion is healthy. Just don't scream or call your partner names. Remember that it is possible to fight in a healthy way. And apologize when you know you've overstepped boundaries.

Quick quote

Just a quick post today. I'm reading a great new book in school called  "Counseling and Therapy for Couples" by Lynn I. Long and Mark E. Young and Brooks/Cole. In it they mentioned a great quote I wanted to share with you. I'm paraphrasing, but basically it said that great couples don't look into each other's eyes, they look in the same direction. Remember that. The same goals, dreams, and wants in life matter so much more than just adoration for each other. You can't spend your life in a bubble. Your partner is your really that- your partner in crime, in life. When you want the same things in life, you always have your best friend right beside you, sharing the weight of the journey.

Under the surface

So I'm back in school now- yay! I'm actually excited, believe it or not. I want to get done and start working with real people as soon as possible. Even though that's a year away (sigh). Anyway, I wanted to share the therapeutic process with you. You might have wondered, how do therapists talk to someone and find out what's bothering them? It's easy to look at a sad person and think, "they must be depressed." But why? We therapists are trained to look for what's really going on, or what we call the "underlying issue." It's like when your mom or boyfriend is angry at you. They might avoid your call, be quiet more, avoid giving you hugs or kisses. Those are symptoms of their frustration. What's really going on is that they're upset that you forgot their birthday, for example. But often it's hard for people to verbalize what's really bothering them, so it comes out in little ways. Mental illness is another matter entirely, but it's similar in the respect that things are often not as they seem. People have many layers, and beneath the surface is where the truth lies. It's just often hard to get there. We break up, run away, move away, and cheat because of a million reasons, one of which is fear. You're scared of falling in love, of being vulnerable, and of getting hurt. Why? Because of issues you might not even be aware of. You have a bad relationship with your father because he was never around- that could be why you always sabotage your relationships before they get too serious. Our lives are linked like this. Things that happened 20 years ago reflect who we are today. The one thing we can never run from, is our past. For better or worse, it's part of who we are.

We met online....

A good friend of mine recently entered into the exciting but unknown world of online dating. It seems like everyone I talk to nowadays met online. It's the new bar. But the difference is that a lot of people online (not everyone of course) actually want a relationship. They want to get dinner and not just drinks. They want to date not just hook up. They text or email you often instead of a week later. She tells me it's refreshing to be with men who are actually that: men, not boys. On the other hand, I've heard horror stories from the trenches of online dating, where men have turned out to be boozers, womanizers, moochers....the list goes on and on. What do you think? Is online dating the newest craze or is it going to fizzle out in a few years? I'm not on Match, Perfect Harmony, or Plenty of Fish, but for those of you who are, I hope that your inbox is full of sincere, honest words- not empty promises. Because if you're online looking for love, you should at least meet others who want the same thing. If you're looking for casual sex, do the old fashioned thing and go to the bar!

Little things

I don't self-disclose a lot in this blog because I want it to be more about how to keep a relationship alive, not how I keep MY relationship going. Every couple is different. They all have their own magic chemistry 'thing' that keeps the fire burning when the days of sexy black lingerie has given way to leopard print Snuggies. That having been said, I did want to share a special moment that I truly believe is what keeps me feeling so in love with my bf after almost 5 years. I was standing in the kitchen today making myself an avocado and egg open-faced sandwich on wheat bread (which is delicious by the way, you gotta try it) and he came up behind me, wrapped his arms around me, and gave me a kiss. He then told me he was there for me, in his own words. It was simple, short, but meaningful. It's little gestures like these that keep love alive. Because quick pecks and hugs are great- most of the time. You need those wonderful tiny moments of connection to remind you why you're grateful to have love in your life. Especially when you're cleaning their hair out of the sink or picking up their dirty clothes for the hundredth time. Those meaningful looks, kisses, hugs, words (along with regular sex) remind each other that being in a relationship is work but it's also a privilege- not a right. Be grateful for your partner, and they'll be grateful for you.

Common Interests

You both like Blue Moon. And National Lampoon movies. And Tupac. That doesn't mean you're soulmates, but it does count for something. Finding a partner whom you'll be able to handle all the horrible and wonderful things life throws at you is tough. But here are a few words of advice: besides her skin that's softer than silk, her crystal blue eyes and her perfect butt, what do you two actually have in common? Shared passions is huge in making a relationship last. Not just superficial things like physical beauty (which fades, like lust, over time) or fun things like favorite movies and books. Real things in common, like a shared love of pets, kids, staying in on Saturday nights, leading an active life, the same morals- stuff that's the same at 20 as it is at 70. Because a cute guy whose sense of humor makes your belly ache will keep you happy far longer than one whose smokin hot with a so-so personality. I know it sounds hokey to say, but it really is the internal stuff that matters. Besides a strong physical connection, you need to feel comfortable around your life partner. And after a long day, nothing is more comfortable than sharing what you love with the one you love.

Taking Charge

This is to the women out there: have you ever asked a man out? Like sidled up to him at a bar, complimented his cute smile and nice eyes and then asked him if he'd care for another Blue Moon? You have? Well, how forward of you! My next question is, how did it go? I'm curious because I've never done that. I'm way too scared of rejection to ever approach a man. Back in my swinging single days (yeah right), I had one move: the eyes. I'd make eye contact with a hot guy and smile- that's it. He'd either come over if he was interested or look away if he wasn't. Years later I see more and more girls and Cosmo advice columns recommending girls to take charge and be assertive. Why should guys have to do all the work? (that's the new catchphrase) This irritates me. Not that I have a problem with women asking men out, that's cool, why not? But there are some men who rely entirely on women to make the first move, the first text, the first date, etc... They've gotten so lazy. A man who meets a cute girl shouldn't text her at 10 at night with the passionless words "hey, great to meet you last week. Whatcha doin?" Gross. What a turn-off. Okay so it isn't 1895 when men courted women and asked their father for permission to take them to church, but come on. Women deserve to be treated with respect and yeah, I think that we deserve to be wooed. Men should open our car doors, call us a few days before and after a date, pay for the first date, and not get too physical on the first date. I know this makes me sound pretty old-fashioned, which I am, so take it with a grain of salt. Also, to the men out there, I think you should be treated pretty good too. Laides, if you like a guy, bake them their favorite cookies, get them tickets to their favorite team, or buy their buddies a round of drinks. Dating is not all about the girl, it's an equal partnership. I just believe that women should be courted in the beginning because well, that's how I like it! Also, we have something you want, so you better treat us well if you want to get it guys. (wink, wink) And girls, remember that you NEVER "owe" a guy anything because he bought you dinner. So what!? He got the pleasure of your company, he doesn't automatically get action because you got the steak. Oh, and if you're one of those brave gals who asks men out? Technically you should pay, but let's face it most guys won't let you, so definitely try to but don't insist if he wants to do it. He should still be a gentleman even though you did the asking. Think of it this way: you went out on a limb and make the first move. Now it's his turn to take charge.