Texting

Remember when people actually called each other? Before IPhones and texting you actually had to be home in order to talk to someone. Today things are much more convenient, but also much more annoying. We are never truly alone anymore. Cell phones connect everyone with each other 24/7. It's nice to have that access when you want an ambulance or need a ride home from the bars, but there is such a thing as TOO much contact. Texting your guy/girl ten times a day to say things like, "LOL my coffee is good today!" or "Ugh my boss sucks!" can lead to texting overdose. You mate doesn't need to hear all the details of your day play-by-play. It takes the mystery away from the lovely moment at the end of the day when you haven't seen your partner all day and you fill each other in on what you both have been up to. Plus, no one really needs to know how good your breakfast burrito was or how you're stoked about getting off work soon. It's like twitter or facebook- too much contact is just plain too much. Keep the mystery and spark in your relationship by limiting your texts to the occasional "I love you" or "Can't wait to see you tonight sexy." And don't neglect the old-fashioned phone call. Because nothing is better than hearing the voice of the person you love, as opposed to the "ding-ding" of your smart phone.

Flirting

Lots of people flirt. Especially at work, where you spend roughly 50% of your time. Flirting helps pass the time and makes work more fun. People also flirt with the bartender, barista, sales associate, doctor, lifeguard, you name it. It's human nature. So where do relationships fit in? Do you think flirting constitutes cheating? People are torn by the issue of flirting. Some thing it's harmless and others would rather have their significant other stop bathing for a week than smile at the cute 19-year old hostess. Personally I don't see the harm in it, as long as I don't physically have to see it. I know my bf is charming and handsome, but I don't want to see other girls swoon over his dimples. If he does it when I'm not around (which I'm sure he does), why do I care? As long as your partner isn't rude or disrespectful (like giving out his or her number, for example- a definite no-no), it's just flirting. When you're with your love, focus all of your romantic attention on them. They are who matter, not some random guy or girl. And they are who you should flirt with most of the time. The other times, when you smile or are extra friendly in order to score a free scone at Starbucks? It's not a big deal, so don't create a problem where there isn't one.

Friends

Romantic relationships are wonderful. (most of the time!) But they come with more pressure. Not exactly pressure to look great all the time or always be in a good mood (we all know that can't last forever), but pressure to help take care of the other person emotionally and physically. You can't ignore your wife for a month because you're busy and then call her up and ask if she'd like to get lunch and a mani-pedi. But you best friend on the other hand- you can. You can call her at 2am and she'll listen to you cry about that manipulative jerk who broke your heart. You can talk about yourself for the entire talk and it's okay, she'll listen. You can show up at her door with no makeup, wet hair, and tub of ice cream and it'll be the best night ever. Having a good friend is wonderful. It's what gets us through life. They're like a hot cup of sweet cocoa on a blistery cold night. They're always there to warm your soul and cheer you up. As much as I love my bf, if anything were to happen I know that I'd be okay because I have good friends in my life to make me smile, no matter what. No conditions, no rules, just friendship.

The Little Things

Sometimes it's a big fancy night out, or a gorgeous vase of red roses. Other times it's just taking your dishes to the kitchen. What am I talking about? Gestures. Big or small, it's important to appreciate the gestures your partner does for you. The other day my bf was making dinner for his friends. I mentioned that it looked good and said maybe I'd have a little. About 20 minutes later he walked into where I was studying and brought me a bowl of pasta. It was a small thing, but it really meant a lot to me. Remember those little things just as much as the big ones, and you'll have a happier outlook on your relationship. So many times we all focus on what isn't working. He always leaves his clothes on the floor. She always forgets to do that for me. He'd rather be with his friends than me. Taking a moment to think about (and openly thank) your partner for all the tiny things they do for you is essential. Plus, it makes you want to do nice things for them, which in turn leads them to do more nice things for you- a wonderful repeating cycle. Let's face it- not many people can afford to buy you extravagant presents or fly you around the country. But is that really love? Perhaps it is in some cases- it's different for every relationship. But a guy (or girl) who will bring you dinner or wash your dishes? That's priceless.

Date Night

If you live with the person you love, you tend to see them a lot. You brush your teeth together in the morning and at night, battle over TiVo space, and share those oh-so-fun chores like cleaning hair out of the shower drain and doing the dishes. You tend to do a lot of the stuff you didn't do when you were first dating. No taking two hours to get ready to make sure you're scrubbed, lotioned, and perfumed. No chewing minty gum all the type in preparation for those impromptu kisses. And no wearing sexy underwear (matching sets, preferably) to bed. After a couple years, it's more like his old undershirts and maybe some cute pj bottoms. While there is a wonderful intimacy that comes from being completely comfortable around your partner, there is a loss of shine in a long-term relationship. You simply don't have to try as hard anymore. It's game over, you've won. But how then do you keep the relationship special and sexy when you share a toilet? Here are ten tips for keeping each other interested year after year. In truth, you DO have to try hard, just in a different way:
1. Kiss each other hello, goodbye, good morning, and good night- everyday
2. Make time to get dressed up and go out together (happy hours are a great cheap option)
3. Cook for each other- food is love
4. Surprise each other with a special present (it can be big or small, like a video game, movie, or flowers)
5. Do something to help your partner out- if they need to go to the post office but don't have time, help them out
6. Take a little extra time to get ready- for yourself and your partner. Feeling great about yourself is important because it helps remind your partner that you're hot and they're lucky to have you!
7. Give compliments to each other
8. Remember to say thank you for things- don't take each other for granted
9. Do new things together (mini golf, picnic, car racing, baseball game, etc.)
10. Take turns giving and receiving in the bedroom, and change it up. Even something as fun as sex can get boring and routine if you do it the same every time. Use your imagination! Try talking about fantasies, doing it in different areas of your place, or playing sexy games with each other. It is possible to make it exciting again.

Be nice

Just a quick post today. This is some of the best advice I've learned in school. No matter how angry you are, how sad, how furious, how betrayed, etc., remember one thing: Be nice. This is a person you love. So be nice to each other, no matter how hard that is. I'm not saying don't be honest, don't share how you feel. But don't call someone demeaning names or treat them like garbage. You will thank yourself later, trust me. If you're ending your relationship, you'll be the better person for it. And if you're just in a fight, you'll recover a lot faster if you haven't really hurt your partner's feelings. Because no matter how much they say they forgot you called them that...they didn't. And you know they'll bring it up someday, which will cause another fight. You wouldn't treat a stranger like that, so why is it okay to treat your lover that way? So remember to just be nice, no matter how hard it is.

Drunk Talk

How do you act when you drink? Are you happy, angry, emotional? Some girls will turn into free-spirited strippers after too many Cape Cods, while others drunk-dial old loves to reminisce about what went wrong. Other gals get angry and spew insults at their boyfriends. Do you think alcohol makes you more of who you are or does it distort your personality? Either way, drinking is both a fun and dangerous activity to do with your partner. It lowers your inhibitions, so no matter what kind of drunk you are, you do tend to open up more. Intense, deep conversations may occur only when you're buzzed and it's not so scary to talk about marriage or your fear of dying. You can use these opportunities to really connect with your partner in a good way. But the flip side of this coin is the arguments and tears that alcohol can also bring. More truthful conversations can bring up dormant issues that only lead to arguments. So, what do you do when you want to get drunk with your lover but avoid any unpleasant memories the next morning? My best advice is (just like drinking with your buddies) pace yourself. Don't get so plastered that your man has to babysit you. Double-fist it with a drink in one hand and a glass of water in the other. Trust me, it will benefit you in the future when you actually remember that you said "I love you" for the first time. No one ever said, "Man, I wish I had that third shot of Patron instead of water!" Because drinking can add sexy memories to date night, or it can add tears and toilets. That's up to you.

Getting Turned Down

Sometimes you and your partner may be totally in sync when it comes to sex. With one passionate look, the two of you know- it is on! That's great when it happens, but what if it doesn't? No one likes to be rejected when it comes to getting busy. Sometimes you initiate, sometimes your partner does, and rejection is bound to occur on both sides. It's completely normal to get upset when this happens to you. It's hard not to take it personally when your lover is choosing to sleep, watch TV, or just relax instead of doing you. But being "in the mood" is merely that- a mood. Stress, medication, lack of sleep, eating too much, not feeling sexy, and being too hot or cold can all affect your libido.  While it's easy to get offended if you're turned down, try to remember that just because he/she didn't want to have sex this moment doesn't mean that: 1. They don't love you  2. They don't find you sexually attractive  3. Something is wrong with your relationship. Sometimes, it's just sex and they're just not in the mood. Relax and remember that there will always be another time. Unless this is a pattern and it's really hurting your relationship, you don't have to worry about the occasional mood swing. Don't pout if you don't get your way, that's not sexy. Going with the flow and doing your own thing is much more attractive. Making your partner feel guilty for not being intimate with you also won't help you get some loving in the future. Often women who initiate a lot more than their partners might make their men feel emasculated, so laying off for awhile gives the guys a shot at taking charge. Men getting rejected by their partners is also very common, and when it happens it's normal for a guy to feel a little bummed. If you're rejected for sex, try a quick kiss, say "That's okay babe," and go do something else. Don't let it get to you. Confidence about yourself and your relationship is extremely alluring, insecurity is not. Who knows, he or she might just surprise you next time.

Compliments

"You look great baby; wow am I lucky to have you!" That is one sentence I rarely hear from my boyfriend. A lot of men are like this. They don't notice your new highlights, $150 jeans, or that you spent two hours getting ready. It's not that they don't appreciate when you look good, it's just that they aren't as vocal as women. Girls will scream, "OMG girl, love the red lips; you look hot!" They'll notice everything from your cute coral nail polish to your new Marc Jacobs purse. Men just see the overall picture and mostly keep their comments to themselves. It may seem annoying sometimes that he doesn't compliment you much (especially if you're the type, like myself, to always tell your man how handsome he looks) but just because he doesn't say it out loud doesn't mean he doesn't feel it. Just like saying "I love you," women will often say it much more than their mates. Also, remember that while he may not compliment you when you're looking sexy in a black mini dress, he also doesn't criticize you when you're sitting around in your dirty sweats with unbrushed hair, glasses and no makeup. He loves you and thinks you're beautiful no matter what- really. Don't expect him to notice the small stuff (cute or ugly). It's like men see the world without their contacts and women have Lasik-perfect vision. It may be annoying to get more praise from your girls than your boyfriend, but at 7:00am when I look like the "before" pictures on Extreme Makeover, I'd much rather be seen through foggy eyes than 20/20 vision.

Missing Each Other

There are some couples who spend every night together. They eat dinner together, sleep together, talk or text throughout the day, and generally are in touch 24/7. That's all well and good, but sometimes there's such a thing as too much together time. When we first start dating someone, it's like magic. Uncovering someone else's secrets is intoxicating. What do they smell like? What kind of underwear do they wear? What's their favorite food and cocktail? What makes them tick? You see each other a few times a week and get giddy at the sight of a text with their name as the receiver. Flash forward 3 years and you get used to that new car smell. Relationships become so familiar that you don't see all the little things that make your partner special. That's why I am such a big believer in alone time; and friend time- apart from each other. Go to the movies alone, get drinks with your friends, take a trip somewhere...without your partner. It reinvigorates the relationship to not be attached at the hip. It gets you excited to see your love if you haven't already heard about their day in 15 texts. In case you haven't guessed I'm a car freak. So, here's another car metaphor to describe a long-term relationship. If you have a gorgeous Porshe sitting in your garage and you drive it everyday, after awhile it won't make your heart race anymore. But if you take it out for a long drive once a week, it's more of an experience you look forward to. Everything gets old if you do it all the time (including sex). So if things are getting kind of old between you and your mate, try  missing each other. It makes the time you do spend together that much more special.

Traditional Gender Roles

So I know it's 2011 and women and men have more equality now than ever before. I love that women can be firefighters, astronauts, CEOs, whatever they want. (except president...yet) I think that's great and I consider myself a feminist. But what I like about my relationship with my boyfriend is that it's pretty darn traditional. I cook, clean, and do the laundry. (hence the blog name) This may seem like your relationship, or not. I have friends who split the household chores and others where the man does the cooking. It's all about whatever works for you as a couple. As long as you don't feel resentful cleaning the toilet or guilty not cooking, it's okay. Talk to each other about who does what around the house and form an agreement you both like. Sometimes I feel guilty about not working that much, but then I whip up a spicy-garlic-mustard-apricot pork tenderloin for his dinner and I realize he's lucky to have a live-in maid and cook!  Here's the recipe for that dish, which I improvised for dinner tonight:

SPICY GARLIC MUSTARD APRICOT PORK TENDERLOIN:

1. Buy a 1.5 lb pork tenderloin
2. Marinate it in a mixture of 1/2 a jar of apricot preserves, 1/2 a jar of whole grain garlic mustard, 4 chopped up Serrano chilies, 2 heaping tablespoons of garlic, and 2 tablespoons of oil. Split the mixture in half. Put half with the pork and save the other for dipping/glazing later. Let the pork sit in the mixture in the fridge for anywhere from 2 hrs to overnight
3. Put aluminium foil on a baking sheet and bake at 400 degrees for about 45 min. to an hour.
4. It's done when the pork is no longer pink in the middle. Let it sit for about 5 min and then cut and enjoy. Yum!! PS: I served this with orzo with garlic, oil, red peppers, and lemon juice

Work

So what happens when your partner works much more (or less) than you? That's the position I find myself in. I'm working part-time and going to school part-time. In other words, I've got lots of free time. My boyfriend on the other hand is busy; really busy. He's always going to work, meetings, social stuff. I feel so lazy compared to him. I try to be the best "wife" possible and do the laundry, cooking, and errand stuff for us. But often times I feel bad when he's dead tired heading off to work in the morning and I"m sitting on the computer enjoying a delicious pieced of whole wheat peanut butter toast. (my fave) I won't have a steady job until school is out so there's really nothing I can do, but still. I guess my best advice is that if this is your problem too, just be supportive of each other. Whether you work more or less than the other person, try to do the things they don't have time for. Trust me, they'll appreciate your extra help and return the favor when it's you who is working day and night. Just let each other know in some small way that all that hard work is appreciated. No one likes to feel taken for granted or not special.

Background

Hello Internet! Let me start by introducing myself. My name is Molly and I live with my long-term boyfriend. I'm also currently a grad student for marriage and family therapy. What I really want to do is couples counseling and sex therapy. I want this blog to be a place where people can ask questions or simply read about how to keep a relationship alive in the long run. Hope you like my blog! Feel free to leave me comments or questions.