Hittin the Road...The True Relationship Test

So recently my husband and I took a surprise trip to Las Vegas. Along the way, we bickered a little bit and it reminded me that trips are a the ultimate test of a relationship. While trips are fun and a great way to get away together and reconnect, they're also stressful. You're away from home, usually at some point hungry and hungover, yelling at the guy who cut you off while you fight over whether to stop at McDonalds or Subway for lunch. It can get rough. However, trips are also a good way to get away from all the crap life throws at you. Instead of worrying about paying the mortgage or deciding whether to have kids or arguing about who does the dishes, you get to have 3-hour lunches and laugh over martinis at dinner. Vacations rock- obviously. But here are some tips to survive get-aways so you end up coming home with a IPHONE full of great pictures instead of memories about how you cried in front of the blackjack dealer cause you wanted to go to bed and he insisted on gambling for 2 more hours.

Tips For Traveling With Your Honey Without Wanting to Kill Them:

- Don't spend 100% of your time together while on the trip- take little breaks so you don't get sick of each other
- Don't stress about where you eat. Being picky is just annoying and arguing when you're hungry is the worst.
- Quiet time in the car or on the plane is okay. Filling the silence with questions about his favorite childhood cereal is cute when you're first dating but grating when you've been married for a few years.
- Spend at least one day-night saying yes to everything. Yes I'll have another drink, yes let's go to that strip club, yes let's make out in public, yes let's split dessert! You're on vacation- it's okay to ignore your routine-focused self and break out a little.
- Bring things to do. That's just a good rule in general for traveling. Nothing but the SkyMall catalogue to read leads to boredom which can lead to bickering. Or great conversation. Bring Cosmo just in case he doesn't feel like talking.
- Don't spend 2 hours getting ready to go out. Instead of flat-ironing your hair, why not have a pre-dinner quickie which will put you in a good mood all night. Throw out the schedule!
- Snacks are your friend. Lack of sleep is not. Taking naps together is a great way to keep from getting cranky, as is eating every 2 hours or so.

Finally, the only thing you really need to remember when you travel with a love (or anyone else besides solo, for that matter), is to RELAX. You're on vacation! "Go with the flow, take a chill pill, simma down now, chillax"- whatever lame quote you can think of to leave anxiety at home and enjoy not working, not taking care of the kids, not walking the dog. Have a blast seeing the world with the person you love more than anything. :-)

Texting, Calling, Facebooking...Don't Ask Don't Tell

I like to know about my husband's day; what he did, how he's feeling. There's a simple pleasure in coming home from work, hanging out on the couch together and sharing a meal while we laugh about something out friends did or bitch about our customers. But what I don't share is the play-by-play of my life, and I don't want to hear every little detail of his. If I get a text or phone call when we're together I might mention who it is, or I might not. Your significant other doesn't need to know EVERYTHING that you say or do. It doesn't matter! It's important to be your own person, separate from your relationship. I like to keep phones off the table during dinner. It keeps us connected when there's nothing but the two of us sitting together with no TV, no Facebook, no annoying ringing. The only exception I have is when  you get a feeling, deep in your gut, that something is off. Call it women's intuition or just noticing details, but if you feel like your girl or man is up to no good and is acting kinda "funny;" you're probably right. They might be getting a little too friendly with that hot guy with the tattos from the gym. Otherwise, let go of the feeling that you must know everything your love is doing. If you get insecure, remember that you're 1. Awesome, 2. Worthy of love, 3. With your partner for a reason: they like you! Otherwise they wouldn't be with you, nor would you be with them. So trust that they will honor and respect you when you aren't together and you'll do the same. And stay off their Facebook page- trust me it'll only lead to bad things. You don't need to know who that girl from the office is and why she thinks your boyfriend is "totally cute in that pic!" If you trust him, nothing else matters. If you don't, then maybe you should rethink what it is that is making you feel that way.

Jealousy: Sinning or Sexy...

Recently the seven deadly sins have been on my mind. Honestly I only know them because I saw the movie "Seven" with Brad Pitt. It's a gruesome but great film. In terms of relationships, I want to talk about the sin of "envy." I think sometimes a little jealousy is good. When a cute guy tries to ask you out and your boyfriend swoops in and says "She's with me" in a gruff but protective tone, puffing out his chest a bit, your heart does a little dance. It's exciting and sexy to know that you are desired and your man knows that. On the other hand, if you're approached by a guy and your boyfriend flips out and punches the guy- that's going too far. Personally, I have a history of being pretty jealous. I used to get upset when my spouse had female friends or if he got hit on. It made me feel threatened and unattractive, for some reason. It took a lot of work on my self-esteem to see that I should feel proud that other women find my man desirable and confident that he only has eyes for me. If there's cheating in either partner's past, it will likely be harder to trust, but you have to let that go if you're going to be with that person. I'm not usually a fan of denial, but not giving into those deep-down insecurities and choosing to trust your partner is essential to rebuilding the trust that was broken. I'm not saying ignore your gut (it's your best friend), but don't bring up the past- it is not relevant. No one likes being judged by their mistakes, especially if it isn't a recurring pattern. We all screw up! Back to getting the green-eyed monster off your back: feeling threatened by pretty girls hitting on your man is normal. That little flare of fire that goes off in your heart and makes you want to dump a beer on their shiny golden locks is not helpful. Communicate with your partner that you're a little jealous in a sexy way. Here's some examples of the right way to respond:
"Wow, those girls seemed really fond of you. Man am I lucky to have such a hottie for a boyfriend."
"I kept getting hit on tonight- so annoying. Every time a guy approaches me I wish I were with you baby."

Some examples of the wrong way to respond:
"So you were with your friend Shannon last night; she really seems to like you. That's so weird, I thought she had a boyfriend."
"Just remember what I said; it can never happen again or I'm gone. Remember that when those slutty girls are all over you."

Punishing or nagging a guy (or girl) will only drive them away. Being a little jealous is like being a little drunk- good in small doses. Too much envy (and too much tequila) is not attractive nor will it help improve your relationship. Quite the opposite actually. It'll make your partner feel like you don't trust them; not a good thing. So do your best to quiet that ugly green monster- your relationship will thank you.

Honeymoon: The Three H's...

First of all, sorry it's been almost 2 months since my last post. I promise to be much better this fall. I was so busy planning my wedding that I just didn't have time to write about relationships. But let me tell ya, planning a wedding is a huge stressor to a couple. You end up fighting about whether or not you should spend $600 on chair covers and how you should seat all 150 guests without causing family drama. It's a lot of work, but in the end it's completely worth it because you get to be with your best friend. And let's face it; weddings are a blast. Especially when it's your own. You get to be the star of the show for 6 hours. Anyhoo, now that that's done, it's time to talk about honeymoons. They are often the first time in your relationship as a married couple that you get to be completely alone with each other with no distractions, maybe no phone or TV, no friends or family, no work, etc., for an extended period of time. It's fun and sexy but also sort of an informal test. You get to see how you handle all that time alone with just each other. You may drive each other bonkers, or you may get to know each other in a way you never have before. Let's face it, most of the time when you see your spouse at the end of a long day you often just talk about what you did when you were apart. How your day was, how annoying that guy at work is, where you ate lunch, did you call the landlord, and all the other important but kind of boring banalities of everyday life. On your honeymoon, after talking about the wedding for the first few days, you run out of normal things to talk about. You end up going deeper, talking about things you've never discussed before. It's refreshing and different. We spent one night laughing about our favorite SNL comedians. It was completely unplanned and unexpected. And great. We were just friends hanging out as a married couple. That's what honeymoons should be about. Besides all the kissing and holding hands. (And other intimate things, of course) That being said, it's also pretty stressful being with someone 24-7 for a long period of time. You need to remember the three H's of honeymooning: Have fun (Duh, that's the point of a honeymoon; it's a reward for the horror that is wedding planning), Have lots of intimate time (No work, stress, kids, family, job, etc to interrupt you), and Have some alone time (As in, one day go get a coffee by yourself or go for a walk before she gets up. Trust me, when you get back you'll actually miss her as opposed to feeling like everything she does is annoying) Above all, take lots of pictures and laugh and eat and just enjoy being married. You'll always have another vacation, but you'll only have one honeymoon. Make it count, but don't get upset if things don't go perfect. Things will go wrong, but you'll have your partner to support you while on your honeymoon and for the rest of your life.

5 Ways You Know It's Time to Get Married

I didn't write this article, but the man who did is a genius and hilarious too. READ THIS!!
http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-ways-you-know-its-time-to-get-married/

Where's Your Better Half?

My professor recently gave us a great metaphor for a relationship. I don't think I've mentioned it on the blog before, but if I have, forgive me but it bears repeating. Think of yourself as a delicious cake. Your inner circle of friends, family and your significant other are your frosting. They don't take a piece from your cake. They add to it with the creamy frosting. Without them, you'll still be a whole cake. You're still you. But with them, you're just a better you. I love that because I think all too often people think in terms of absolutes. As in:
"Without you, I'm nothing."     "If we don't spend all our free time together, something is wrong."
"I don't need alone time, I have you!"     "You don't need time alone or with your friends, you have me!"        "If we don't have sex all the time, something is missing."        "If you don't want sex with me right now, you don't find me attractive at all."     "If you don't do _____ for me, you don't love me."  Or, my favorite, "If you don't know _________ about me, then you don't really love me or know me."

These sound silly writing them all at once, but I'll be the first to admit I've said more than one of these things. They're irrational thoughts! If he or she can't remember where you grew up, it doesn't mean they never listen to you. You grew up in Indiana- not that interesting. Move on! Avoid the words "always" and "never." People never do things ALL the time or NOT AT ALL. Relationships exist in shades of gray. Cut her some slack and she'll do the same for you.

Anyway, besides that great metaphor, the purpose of this post is to point out something I noticed today. When you become part of  a couple, all the sudden you by yourself fades away a little. I went to a fun work party today and noticed that everyone asked where my fiance was. He happens to be at his bachelor party, but it was funny how that was the first question people asked me. I'm not saying it's wrong or weird, but isn't it interesting how, when we partner up, we are not alone anymore. We are "the couple." I like that in some respects, but while it's nice to be a part of a unit, I think it's always incredibly important to remain YOU. Keep going on long runs, having wine and girls nights, wear those ugly sweats, drink milk from the carton, spend the day watching "Sex and the City" reruns in bed, go on a trip solo or with your best friend, take a fun class, whatever it is that makes you YOU. I'm not saying that you need to be prepared in case something happens, but you do need to remain a separate, independent person in order to be part of a successful couple. No one wants to be with someone without their own life, their own thoughts. Independence and self-confidence are sexy. Keep being YOU and your couple-self will thrive as well. Because for every Brangalina there's a TomKat and Bennifer. I kind of wish more people had asked about my career instead of my love life, but let's face it- what we're working on isn't as interesting as who we're sleeping with.

And for fun, think about what kind of cake you would be. I'm a carrot cake and my fiancee is my tangy cream cheese icing. I feel happier when he's with me, and I know he feels the same way, but I'm still pretty tasty all by myself. So is he. And so are you!

PS: I hate the term "better half." No one is a half to anyone. We're whole all by ourselves, we don't need another person to complete us. Enhance, yes. Complete, no.

Sex for him, sex for her....this isn't the movies folks

Picture this: you're at that bubbly rom-com you dragged your boyfriend to and the on-screen couple that's just fallen in love (or lust) begins kissing then they tear off each other's clothes and have the most perfect, simultaneous-climax sex. Now here's your reality: you get home, both agree to sex, begin kissing, get naked, have sex for a few minutes or so, and either he finishes and you don't or you finish and then have to finish him off or....the possibilities are endless but the results the same: neither of you has an orgasm at the same time. If you do, please tell me your secret because it's only happened to me a couple of times. It's hard to do that- and it doesn't have to be your goal. It's okay to have sex that he loves and you're just so-so about. Or maybe you get your rocks off and he's indifferent. As long as you're both trying, it's okay. You're having sex. It doesn't have to be this mind-blowing perfect experience every time. I know women often are used to a guy finishing and then rolling off and going to bed. I'm not saying that's wrong, or that you should come every time too, but maybe it's okay to do that sometimes. And women: please allow yourself to be selfish in bed. Men do it all the time. Haha- just kidding guys! But seriously, it's okay to use him like your own personal sex toy. (cheaper and more realistic than the Rabbit!) Let yourself go, ask for the position you like best, and take a really long time with foreplay. Your orgasm matters just as much as his does. Having him-sex and her-sex and we-sex are all part of a normal, healthy sex life. So is a bit of S&M, oral sex, role play, spontaneous sex, quickies, 69, and surprising your partner with something they love in bed- just to be nice. Sex isn't a perfect, always right, always equal thing. It goes up and down (literally) and in a relationship you have to just relax and enjoy the ride (literally).

Dating Shows...Real or Real Stupid

The other day I was watching Bravo at midnight, eating peanut butter out of the jar (don't judge me- it's healthy fat!), when it occurred to me that dating-love advice-matchmaking shows are so stupid. This thought popped in my head because one girl (wait- make that woman, she was 34) was complaining about being single when she did the following three things: 1. wouldn't eat anything "fattening" on the date, admitting she was splurging by getting hot cocoa, 2. called her date after he didn't call her after 3 days, 3. dated a 26 year old and got upset when he took her ice-skating because it's so lame and childish. Oh. My. God. All women can't be this lame. This is why dating shows irritate me. They show capable, independent women acting like insecure, silly girls. I know we've all been there, but I just wish that there was a show that taught women how succeed in love. These shows claim they do that, but let's be real: one girl was begging a guy for a kiss (desperate, party of one), one went on a date she was dreading just to be nice, and one had an entire closet devoted to tutus and showed it to her date. Worst. idea. ever. They aren't showing us gals how to be in a healthy relationship. They're showing us how to be single forever. Honestly there aren't set rules when it comes to love. The tutu girl isn't meant to be with a guy who hates tutus and her self-imposed 'princess' label. Her future hubby will find all that annoying crap endearing and sweet- that's why they'll work together. Maybe there aren't dating shows that are real and show more realistic dates because that isn't good TV. Maybe the bigwigs at CBS think that no one wants to watch a semi-attractive guy take a semi-attractive girl out to a semi-nice Italian restaurant, nibble on chicken parm while they drink wine and talk about their majors in college, kiss for a few minutes in the car and then text each other a couple days later. Bo-ring! But that's real life. Real relationships aren't always going to Disneyland or having a decadent dinner out. They're about making coffee for him on his way to work, kissing good morning even though your breath stinks, sitting on the couch watching Family Guy and leaning your head on his shoulder. Those million little moments of love won't make good reality TV, but they make good reality. I guess next time I'll just shut-down my brain when I watch Bravo or the Bachelor and remember that seeing a girl crash and burn on a date is much more entertaining than watching her get groceries and a Redbox wearing sweats with her boyfriend.

You Can Look, But You Can't Touch...

Let's face it- as humans, we are drawn to attractive people. We enjoy admiring good-looking men and women; it's only natural to enjoy  looking at beautiful people or people who are charming, funny, or otherwise eye-catching in some indescribable way. But when you're committed to one person, you can't act on those desires. I don't want to imply you can't have those impulses- you can definitely still feel turned-on by others, who isn't? You're in a relationship, not dead. I liken it to being at a decadent, new restaurant: You can browse the tempting menu, but you can't order anything off it. You have your favorite meal waiting at home, don't ever forget that. That being said, it's important to remember your partner's feelings when you see someone you find hot. My advice? Bite. Your. Tongue. No one wants their wife to talk about how she's like to hump Brad Pitt. Sure, it will never happen, but it still is another person she's saying she'd like to get naked with. Who wants to hear that? Think it, don't say it. It's just a matter of respect. Give your partner the same respect you'd like to receive back. I don't care who you are, everyone wants to feel like their mate wants them and only them, sexually and just in general. Even though it's not true 100% of the time (like when the 19 year-old blonde at work bends over to pick up a pen or the hot guy from the gym is doing sweaty bicep curls in the mirror), for the other 99% of the time, you obviously want to be with your partner or else you wouldn't be together. Like the great Paul Newman once said, "I have steak at home. Why should I go out for a hamburger?"

Best. Quote. Ever.

Don't marry a man unless you would be proud to have a son exactly like him. I don't know who said this, but it's brilliant. Recently, I've been feeling stress in my life and with my upcoming wedding. It's been a busy summer! But at the end of the day, lying with the one person in the whole world who knows me, loves me, and accepts me, I feel grateful. I think that when you are in a relationship, you have to think about more than just "Is the sex good?" or "Do we have fun together?" Those are very important things, for sure. But also ask yourself questions like the quote above. Here are my favorite questions you should ask when you're in a relationship:

1. Does he or she want you around, at least half of the time? Have you met their friends/family?
2. Do you feel/act your best around them, or at least act like YOU, not a fake version of you?
3. Do you miss them when they aren't around?
4. Can you talk with them about the good stuff, the bad stuff, and everything in between- and will they listen? (And can you be okay with silence as well?)
5. Would you want your friend to date someone like them?

One more thing: you and your partner are the only two people in the relationship- no one else. Don't let anyone try to tell you what you should or shouldn't have or want or act like. It's up to you. Enjoy that power and own it. I'm not encouraging your to stay in an abusive or unfulfilling relationship, but realize that you can't let other people try to tell you about something they are judging from the outside. It's like looking at a cake and trying to guess the ingredients. No one knows what's in it but the baker. My relationship, like every other one, has a secret ingredient that makes it good. For my cakes, it's mayonnaise. (try it, seriously it makes cakes super moist) For my love, it's really just acceptance. Acceptance of his flaws, of mine, and letting each other be real. You can't love someone for who you want them to be- that' not fair. Love them for who they are, or not at all.

Happy Wife Happy Life...Corny or Actually True?

So last night I was serving a group of 6 at my restaurant. They were all really cool, laughing and talking to each other. They just seemed really happy and content. They shared food and wine, held hands, ordered for their dates, and pulled out the ladies chairs when they got up. It was obvious there were three distinct couples. I asked them how long they'd all been married. They said their combined years of marriage was about 135. That's crazy for these days of 72-day reality TV "marriages" and a 50% divorce rate. I recently read a quote by Debra Messing that said that 100 years ago people died in their 40s, so "forever" meant a much different thing than it does today with people living well into their 90s. As someone who is engaged, I've been thinking a lot about how to keep my marriage together. How do you beat the odds and make it last? Why does any relationship last or end? Certain unions are meant to end. Let's be honest. If you're 19 and dating a guy who barely speaks English and you have nothing in common with- you probably won't be together for a really long time. But then again, sometimes people in traditional cultures are still set up on blind dates or unions and stay happily married for 50 years. What is the magic ingredient that makes the recipe of marriage end up happy and loving for more than the initial 'honeymoon' phase? Well I asked those three very nice couples their secrets. Here's what they said:

1. Like the title of this post: Happy wife, happy life. This gentleman said, "I try to make her happy," to which his wife replied, "I try to make him happy too." I heard this advice a month ago when I asked a couple celebrating their 10 year anniversary how they stayed together. The wife said she always puts her husband first. My mom once told me how important this is in a marriage. Put your relationship, your partner, before yourself or your kids. That sounds weird, but if you don't have a happy relationship then that could lead to divorce, which, as a child of divorce, you do not want. Trust me.
2. Compromise. You aren't going to get your way every time, and neither will he. Find a middle spot where you both can be satisfied. Example: Not in the mood for sex but she's frisky? Agree to make out or take a shower together. That way you get the closeness of an intimate act without doing something you aren't in the mood for or are too tired to do.
3. Accept them as they are. I LOVE this advice. I'm a big fan of NOT changing your partner. It's just not fair. Would you want someone to be with you for what they want you to be, or for who you really are? Yeah, sometimes I break glasses, drive horribly, am socially awkward and don't listen. But my fiancee loves me regardless. We are not perfect. No one is. I overlook his flaws and he overlooks mine. Your partner should be your cheerleader/coach/friend, not your parent/disciplinarian. Of course you won't always agree or even like them. I can't tell you how many times I've thought "You're a jerk!" But I get over that fleeting feeling and remember his faults and how I have to accept him for all of him...not just the pretty parts. There has to be forgiveness as well, through things that you can get over. It may be a forgotten birthday, job change, long-distance, illness, accident, broken promise, or even infidelity. These things can tear people apart, and they do. It's not easy to learn from a mistake and move on, but it is possible if BOTH people are committed to the relationship. You can't be in a marriage by yourself.

Anyone can put on a good front for the beginning of a relationship. That's why it's so fun to fall in love. You don't worry about if they'd be a good dad or if they'd help you do the dishes. You wear makeup to bed and secretly brush your teeth before they get up. Heck you're lucky if you get a shower some days, let alone have time to look good. Fifty years of being with the same person? That's not infatuation or lust. That's really loving another person, unconditionally. Now I'm sure those couples weathered a lot of storms over the years- they also had a combined total of 15 children! Who knows what types of problems they've had to weather. But they made it work. We can only listen to their advice because they've been there, done that. I hope one day too I'll be sitting in a nice restaurant, smiling and still enjoying my husband's company after half a century.

So is this dating now??

A single friend of mine was describing her dating life to me recently and maybe I've been out of the game too long, but....what the hell?? Guys text girls 5 days later and expect her to come over, drink a bottle of wine and then hop into bed? Is that what dating has come to??? I'm pissed! This isn't right! Let me preface this with one remark: there are two kinds of dating:hooking up and actual dating. Hooking up has no rules. You both are just in it for the sex- period. Maybe you'll share the occasional meal before, but let's be honest, he is NOT relationship material and you know it girl. Dating is different. Dating should involve actual time spent together: 1. during sunlight and 2. not drunk. If you really are looking to find a relationship, these are non-negotiable. At least some of the time you gotta be sober and see what he looks like dressed up, or actually wearing pants and not a tank top and boxers. No judgement here girls or guys, we have all had hookup buddies- there's nothing wrong with that as long as both parties get the deal. But if you are looking to fall in love, have a long term relationship, you are worth a man who will treat you like his future wife, not some chick he hooked up with in a bathroom at his friend Justin's party. Don't go out with guys who don't call you or who only text you at 10:00 at night asking "waz up girl? whatcha up to 2nite?" Not okay. You are worth a man making plans to hang out with you. If he is really into you, he will take the time to pursue you. He will put the effort in. And if he doesn't, he just isn't that into it, and neither should you be. We all want someone who loves us just as much (or more, haha) as we love them. So don't settle for someone who won't put as much into a relationship as you are willing to give back.

Cold Feet??

A reader recently asked me to comment on getting cold feet before a marriage. Considering that I'm currently engaged, I think I have a reasonable perspective on the issue. But then again, I don't have cold feet...now. I have had doubts before in my relationship, and I know my fiancee has had them as well. It's normal to feel a little unsure about your partner. To think, "can I live with this for life?" When you think about "forever," it's normal to try to imagine all your partner's faults and ask yourself if you can accept them as they are, imperfections and all. This sounds odd, but think about both the good and bad qualities about your love. Don't analyze them like you would lite vs. full-fat mayo or skinny jeans vs. boot-cut, (much harder choices, of course) but do try to think about all the things that are wonderful about him or her and decide if you can live with that...today. Take it one day at a time, and don't get too stressed about the small stuff. Because everyone is annoying under a microscope. And the "cute" things you did at the beginning of the relationship start to get pretty old after the 2nd or 3rd year. The way you always forget to buy new milk or wear his clothes to bed? Yeah, after awhile it's kind of frustrating. That being said, sometimes those "cold feet" are basically frozen. You're seriously questioning if you and this person are right for each other. In cases like this, it might be smart to take a little break- it might give you perspective. It's easy to be sure when you have the security of the other person. But when you're truly alone, you can know for sure if you're better off that way, or if were happier with that other person. It's extremely tough to do this, but wouldn't it be a lot harder to get married and then divorced a year later because you realized you were miserable? At the end of the day, every relationship is different, but here are a few of my personal qualities that  a good relationship has:
1. You are friends and have things in common. (seems dumb, but lots of people forget this matters!)
2. You like having sex with them. (and still do it after years of doing it)
3. You have sort-of-similar goals in life (kids, marriage, religion...the heavy stuff counts)
4. You want to be with them and no one else.
That's it kids, they are very simple but they work for me. If you get cold feet before you make a big relationship decision, ask yourself those 4 things and maybe they'll warm up. :-)

The Dreaded Nag Word

The worst thing you can call a woman you're dating is not a bitch, since thanks to popular culture and books like "Why Men Love Bitches" it's not as much as an insult as it used to be. No, the worst word you can call a woman is "nag." As in, "God you're such a nag. You remind me of my mother. Stop nagging!" Sound familiar? It's basically like verbal anti-Viagra for men. Want to never get laid again? Try telling him several times that the floor is not a hamper. Or ask him to put up the picture in 3 different ways, after he says "I'll get to it." Or, my favorite, criticize his best friends- never a good thing. Do you like it when he makes fun of your girlfriends? Exactly. But, while the n-word is such an annoying and libido-killing phenomenon, it's easy to do. Just the other day I was reflecting back on how I'd made fun of my fiancee and asked him repeatedly to do a couple chores. He'd responded "Yes dear," which is code for "OK shut up I get it, you annoying woman" in our relationship. I'm glad he didn't call me a nag, but I'm also glad I caught myself from being too....what's the word? Motherly. No one wants to sleep with their mom, and if they do, you need to dump their Freudian butt immediately and move to Alaska. While it's good to be loving and nurturing in your relationship, it's important to avoid doing TOO much for the other person, or being TOO controlling. Remember you are equals, and neither of you should tell the other he or she, "Should really iron that shirt, fix your hair, and remember to brush you teeth before you leave. No one likes a slob!" Ew. Thanks honey, but I already have a mother. Hate how he always forgets to take out the trash? Try what I like to call the "bargaining technique." It's how moms get their kids to eat their veggies. Say, "Honey if you take out the trash I'll (insert thing he likes here) for you." Works like a charm and doesn't come off as naggy.  Remember, being a nag = Mom, no sex, possible fight and not being a nag = Hot Girlfriend, possible sex in future and appreciation from your spouse.

Affection Counts More Than Sex

I used to measure the strength of my relationships by whether we were being intimate. How often, was it mutually satisfying, etc. It sounds weird, but I felt (thanks to TV) that if my guy was satisfied in bed he would never leave me or cheat. Now I know it's not as simple as that. While sex is a HUGE part of a relationship, it's not everything. And it doesn't mean the other person loves you. I've been doing some reading lately and it mentioned that it's actually affection that determines the strength of a relationship in the long-term. So all the little love taps, kisses, cuddles, touches you do to each other are what keep you bonded- not a roll in the hay every day/week/month. Let me clarify though that this doesn't mean that you can refuse having sex and your guy/girl won't go looking for it elsewhere as long as you hold their hand all the time- no. Refusing sex and it just not happening for a week aren't the same thing. Life often gets in the way of sex happening for awhile and sometimes you need to just put everything aside and just do it- that's okay. But if your partner continually tries to have sex with you and you reject them- that's a problem. Sex should be something that you both enjoy doing and is mutually satisfying. (if it's not, work on it. Speak up!) But just don't get caught up on how much or little you're "supposed" to be having sex. As long as you're both happy in your relationship, you make time for sex when you can, and you remember to be loving and affectionate with each other, you'll be okay. It's the little things that count. Say you don't have time to go out all night with your mate. That's okay, how bout you just walk to dinner and walk home. The time you don't have to linger over dinner or at a bar you're spending talking while you walk, hand in hand. Moments like that are what keep people connected, more than just sex three times a week. So next time you're both watching TV together, lean over and kiss him or lay on his lap. Doing so releases feel-good chemicals in his brain that connect him to you, and keep him (or her) connected in the long-term.

Sex Tiebreaker?

In the new movie "This Means War" starring the always lovely Reese Witherspoon, a woman is torn between two ridiculously hot men. While this doesn't happen to all of us everyday, I know quite a few gals who have been dating a couple guys at the same time and didn't want to choose, but felt weird about dating them both seriously. (especially when they had no clue the other one existed) Back in my single days, I definitely was in this predicament. Two great (sort of ) guys who make you laugh and make you want to rip their clothes off. It's hard to pick when you honestly have feelings for two people simultaneously. I don't know if you can be in love with two people at the same time, but I do know you can definitely be in lust, that's for sure. In the rom-com Reese decides to break the tie between her two men by having a "sex tie-breaker." I think this is hilarious and wonder if other girls out there have done this- chosen between two men by who's better in bed. Before you judge, this isn't a totally superficial way to pick a partner. Sexual chemistry is very important. You just have to have other stuff in common as well. In my opinion, you can learn to like football and Jack Johnson, but you can't easily fix mismatched sexual chemistry. You either have it or you don't. So forget about going with the guy who's the "right choice." Go with the one that at the end of the day, you want to spend the night AND the next morning with. The combination of having amazing sex and still wanting to share your Cheerios together the next morning is what makes a relationship work for more than just the first 6 months when neither of you leave the bedroom unless it's to shower or get more Gatorade. I'm just saying, sex tiebreakers might not be so bad after all. Because once you sleep with someone, you start to think about all the good (if it's good) reasons to be with them, or the bad (if it's bad) reasons to leave.

A Little Heavy but.....

This semester I'm taking some pretty interesting classes. However, the material is really serious. Treatment of trauma, child abuse, drug addiction, and alcoholism are just some of the topics I've been learning about. What has struck me so far is how trauma is linked to so many problems. (Depression, anxiety, eating disorders, substance abuse, dissociative disorders, etc.) The things that happen to us as little kids influence every aspect of our personality because our personalities are formed as children. Not just trauma, but everything that happens to us as we're developing impacts who we turn out to be. I'm a believer in the influence of one's environment and their genetics; not just one or the other. But what's really been on my mind is how your parent's treated you impacts how you are in relationships. For example, being neglected or having an absent mom could lead to trust issues in future relationships. Or growing up with a controlling parent can form traits like perfectionism or an eating disorder. I'm not saying "let's just blame our parents for all our problems," it's not about that. But talking about the past can help you get some insight into why you are the way you are. Personality doesn't just form magically as you grow up- it's shaped like clay. Unfortunately, there are lots of kids out there who don't have the best sculptor parents. (sorry for the lame metaphor, had to go there!) The good news is that, when you see traits in yourself that are hurting your relationship, you can work on resolving them. Do you have a bad relationship with your dad because he was never around growing up? You say you don't need his love, but every child needs a parent's love- it's human. When we don't get it is when deficiencies are created. We substitute other things for that love. The unresolved problem with you father will manifest itself, perhaps in an inability to let yourself be vulnerable, or give up control, as a way of protecting yourself from being that little girl again, waiting for your dad to come pick you up. I'm just throwing out hypothetical things here, I just wanted to share with you guys something to think about. Whenever you think "Why did I do that?," if you are able to investigate yourself deeply (with therapy, perhaps), you won't have to think, you'll know.

Valentine's Day

How do you feel about Valentine's Day? Is it merely a Hallmark created holiday to force couples to spend cash on bonbons and cheap red lingerie, or is it an opportunity to be incredibly romantic with the person you love? I think it's a bit of both, but I like to take the optimistic view that February 14th is a chance to indulge in a little bit of wonderfully, romantic fun with your partner. Do something that you wouldn't normally do. I'm not talking just dinner at your favorite spot and a cool movie- you do that every week. (or whatever your "dinner and a movie" is) Go to a nearby town for a mini-road trip, get dressed up really fancy and go into the city for drinks or a show, try a hot new place for dinner or a new type of ethnic food, get two bottles of wine and spend the night Tivo and IPONE-free just talking and hanging out like you used to when you first began dating, or do all the crazy romantic stuff you just never do because life gets in the way. I'm talking wearing a garter belt and thigh highs (ladies) and spending two hours getting ready (nails/hair/bod/makeup) or splurging on roses and candy and giving her a romantic massage (fellas). Either way you feel about V'Day, remember that at the end of the day it's about love. Tell someone you love them- if you're single tell your best friend or Mom- heck even your cat. Because on Valentine's Day everyone deserves a little extra love. Even Hallmark.

The Best Secret I've Heard About The Key to a Happy Marriage

I read this today on this cool Boston-based food/health/lifestyle blog called "Carrots and Cake." The writer describes how her father gave her his secret to a long, happy marriage. She figured it was what I always preach on this blog: Communication, love, trust...Wrong!!! What did her dad say? "Sex and money." Agree about those two things and you'll be okay. I kind of hate to say that he's right because I also think it takes some more things, such as having things in common that you both enjoy and talking about things that you need or that are a big deal. But, I think he has a really good point. After 20 years will you still be chasing each other around the house and agreeing about where the cash goes? Those two things are MAJOR in a relationship. If you don't have similar philosophies about both sex and money (which my fiancee and I didn't- we've had to figure out a way to compromise so we're both happy), you'll have problems. Hopefully using this advice, you will be an example of a lasting relationship. And remember to keep the passion alive and don't go on any crazy spending sprees!

Stress = No Fun in the Relationship

I always wondered about why relationships don't work, and I have a few theories, the first one being that stress is toxic to a couple's well-being. That's why people who've lost children, had a miscarriage, or had to endure a lengthy illness often come out of it less united than they were before. Tragedy or success, both which can carry their fair share of extra "stuff" to do, are stressful. You have less time to laugh and play, and more time spent doing the things you have to do, not that you want to do. You don't talk about the goofy little things that you both love. Lazy Sundays spent taking walks and making lasagna together disappear, leaving memories of "good times, when we had the time." I have been fortunate enough in my life to not have had to suffer any major tragedies, and I feel for those who have had to go through a tough time. It's hard keeping a relationship together when you are barely hanging on yourself. Now that I'm planning my wedding, I thought it would be this fun, amazing, romantic time- it's not. Don't get me wrong, I don't have doubts or anything, but planning a wedding is a huge stress on a relationship. It's romantic and fun, but it's also another thing you have to do. You also have to agree about everything with your fiancee, which carries its own set of landmines. Add money to the mix? You're pretty much screwed. I love my fiancee more than anything, but this has been a stressful time in our relationship, and I didn't expect it to be that way. I think any "big" thing, be it a move, illness, accident, death, new job, etc. is stressful, and you absolutely have to remember to make the time to be together- no matter what. You may not get those wonderful days where you didn't have to even get out of bed in the morning, but in return you're getting to be with an amazing person who truly loves you. This too shall pass- as corny as that is, everything comes to an end, and you'll still be together if you take the time to reconnect along the way. Be it through sex, a date once a week, or stealing a few moments alone each day where you both agree NOT to talk about "that thing," make sure you make the time to be just "Bob and Jane," or whatever, before you forget what that means.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

You know that thing your best friend or your mom does that really drives you crazy? They always take forever to decide on what to order, or they write checks at the grocery store, or they walk really slowly- just a few examples. But what I've realized is that, as annoying as those habits are, they won't change. People are pretty much who they are- for the most part. You need to ask yourself, "does this really matter?" when it comes to getting upset about something your spouse does. (or your friends/family as well)
Things that DO matter:
1. Do they respect you? Admire you? Find you attractive and tell you so?
2. Do they do nice things for you? Or at least say nice things to you?
3. Do they make time for you? (no one is THAT busy- if they don't make at least some time for you, you aren't a priority)

Things that you shouldn't get upset about:
1. They work a lot to provide, in their words, "to provide a good life for our future," and aren't home as much as you'd like. Remember that you're lucky to have a partner who works hard and has a job- or 3.
2. They snore/fart/burp in (or out of bed). Yeah it's gross, but is it worth nagging someone about constantly? Maybe it's a sign they feel really comfortable around you.
3. They aren't rich. Money does. not. matter. Ambition, drive, and a good work ethic does. Do they (and you) aspire for a better future, or rather, the same type of future? That's what really matters.

 Similar goals, dreams, hobbies, interests- these are the foundation for a "strong relationship house." Add respect and admiration to the love house and you've got a pretty strong relationship. The roof on this dwelling is passion- sexual passion. This also takes work and it ebbs and flows throughout a long-term relationship. But just because it sometimes quiets doesn't mean it's gone forever- you can ignite that sizzle again. It just takes effort. The most important question you have to ask yourself is: do you BOTH want to work on it? That's the key thing, because you can't be in a relationship by yourself.

Sitting on the couch = best day ever

This is an incredibly corny post, but I have to say one thing I love about being in a happy relationship. I love being with my love, hanging out in sweatpants, eating dinner and watching football. (okay, minus the football part, I could care less about that. The only two words I know are touchdown and sack) I'm not wearing makeup, my hair is wet, and he looks like he just crawled out of bed. It's the perfect Sunday because we never get to do it. We're so busy normally that hanging out together watching Bad Boys and Billy Madison (perfect double feature, by the way) is a rare occasion. I love it because it doesn't happen everyday. I don't recommend completely giving up and looking like a schlub all the time. But once and awhile it's nice to know you can be totally comfortable with your partner and know they feel the same way. There's no expectations, no airs, just being together without actually doing anything. He might play a video game, I might clean the kitchen. It's like the anti-date night date night. Try it sometime with someone you love if you are like us and never get the chance to slow down and just be together. If you're the opposite and this kind of thing happens all the time, then go out once and awhile and get all dolled up. Remind him or her that you are HOT and deserve a night on the town. And here's a tip for the ladies: be nice and pay for at least one part of the date- no one wants to date an ungrateful gold digger.