Mixed Signals

They say that women are hard to read. Who is 'they' by the way? This huge group of people who know what's best? Anyway, I digress. But the common perception is that women are crazy. We don't say what we want, we send mixed signals, we are sooo confusing. Sorry to 'they' but I say bull shit! Yes we do sometimes change our minds, but it's usually for a reason. And it's usually a good reason. And we usually will say that reason. We don't want to date you after finding out that you kissed our friend, or we slept together and it was awful, or maybe you keep putting your friends before us. Maybe these reasons for wanting space are 'crazy,' but they seem logical to me. Men, for as tough and strong as they claim to be, are total cowards when it comes to them changing their minds and not wanting do something (like date or bring you flowers anymore). They can be passive aggressive and be suddenly 'busy' when they used to be free all the time. My personal view is that men are hunters. Biologically speaking it's true. So when the lion kills the zebra, it ain't gonna look at that zebra licking it's chops anymore. It might lazily turn it's head as the zebra walks by. But if a gazelle comes around? Suddenly the zebra is hungry again...Get my analogy? Women on the other hand don't get tired of the same lion after one meal. We may want that lion to shave his mane every once and awhile, but it's not appearance that honestly hinders desire-it's a lack of what women crave more than chocolate, trashy TV, shopping and mani-pedis: it's attention. Let me write that in capital letters to get my point across: ATTENTION! We need it, want it, crave it, have to have it. Give us that and we are yours forever. It's simple! But men, why do you always need a shiny new toy (that could apply to the new gadget, watch, car, or woman)? It's annoying and frustrating and mystifying all at once. And I know that I may not have much of a point by writing this, but for all the ladies out there (single, dating, married, whatever), I think will agree with me that we are tired of the 'crazy' label. Women know what they want and that doesn't change after they've eaten the zebra. After all, lionesses are the real hunters.

Dating Sucks....Or Does It?

I have a girlfriend who just got out of a long-term relationship. She is gorgeous, skinny, funny and kind. He just wasn't ready to settle down quite yet (blame it on the early 20s, everyone's gotta sow their wild oats). Anyway, so now she is single and dating and HATES it. Because she is still in love with her ex, I'm sure, but also because a lot of people are jerks or flakey or just blah. You all know what I mean, whether you're single and looking for love or just sex or you're coupled up, we have all been there. The guy who wants to split the check on the first date, the girl who spends 2 hrs talking about herself (oh really, your friend Amber just got bangs- that is so funny and interesting! Not! And another thing; I don't give a fuck about the goddamn Kardashians!), or maybe the guy or gal whom you have amazing sex with but don't even know their last name. Whoops! Truth is, we've all been there. We all have great hook-ups and bad ones (one kisser I remember was referred to as the lizard- not a good thing), but ultimately that's the name of the game. Dating is a game, like it or not. It's the game of "I want this" and "You want that" and lets not tell each other what we want and just figure it out. Naked. I hope my friend does at least find a cool STD-free guy to date while she's licking her wounds from the last boy who broke her heart. If anything, it's a fun distraction. Because you can't plan love, can't always recover from it, and can't hand-pick your "soulmate" (I hate that term, it's so anxiety-provoking; as if we don't have enough to worry about in life, now we must find the only person in the universe who will love us forever despite our penchant for wearing yellow skinny jeans, period-underwear for 30 days straight, and "forgetting" to shave for 3 months in winter). I digress, but the point is, love and sex and dating are 3 very different things- sometimes they crash into each other and sometimes they blend seamlessly. Planning love? Good luck girls and boys- it just happens.

Are We Wired to Pair Up, Or Does Society Push Every Homer to Have a Marge?

The age old question of nature vs. nurture applies to many things: kids turning into alcoholics or druggies (genetics or poor parenting), twins who are grow up to be a Harvard professor and a high school drop-out (despite being raised the same), or babies who were adopted into wonderful families and do amazing despite having biologically "bad genes." (aka mom was 14 years old and dad was her pedophile step-dad who shopped for groceries at the 7-11). Is it one or the other, or a mix of both? I tend to lean towards both genetics and one's environment shaping who they are. But I was wondering about marriage, kids and the whole white picket fence "American Dream" thing. If I was born in Iceland in 1940 would I still want to be a therapist and have a partner to watch "Family Guy" reruns with? Of course no because Seth McFarlane wasn't even born yet, but would I want to settle down if society had not drilled it into my head (since I was a little girl and was handed my first Barbie and Ken wedding set complete with the pink Corvette and dream house)?  ps- yes I was and still am a stereotypical spoiled white middle-class girl. Seriously though, I'm not quite sure. I did dream of getting married one day, to a perfect guy who would love me and make cute crying and poop-free babies with (a girl can dream). But I read so much and saw so many movies about love and marriage and how "how you must be pretty and grow up and marry and procreate or else life is meaningless!!" I honestly don't know what I would personally be like, but looking at cultures around the world, there are different patterns depending on where someone lives, the time period in history, and the culture/ethnicity. Biologically speaking, I do believe we are driven to partner up. Since the dawn of human life there were tribes and people were compelled to partner up. Of course we had to in order to survive as a species, but I think deep down we all need to feel like we belong, to either one person or a group of people. It's instinctual. When kids from rough families don't feel a sense of community or support, they turn to gang life because although it's brutal, it does offer that feeling of not being alone. Knowing that you are cared for by someone is incredibly gratifying and personally, while we may not be genetically bound to follow the step 1-2-3 of date-marry-procreate like society has told us to do, we are, as a species, inherently driven to not be alone. I don't want to be alone and I know that if I was not lucky enough to be with a great partner, I would want to surround myself with people whom I know love me: friends, family, co-workers, etc. Man is not an island. Homer does need a Marge. And if Marge decides she's had enough of his drinking and strangling Bart, he'll turn to Mo and Barney and even Flanders. Because we need to be with others. We may not be wired to pair up, but we are not wired to be alone. Loneliness sucks. Even more than NOT getting that life-size Barbie jeep for Christmas in 1995. (Sorry folks, I was a very materialistic child) But more than all that dumb Mattel crap I think the one thing that we all need for Christmas or birthdays or even after a rough day is just someone to be there with us. It's no fun sharing memories alone. I went on a trip to Europe after college as a present to myself. I saw the Parthenon in Greece, Big Ben in London, and trekked over southern England solo. It was fun and exciting and scary....and incredibly lonely. There's no one I can reflect on those memories with. Perhaps that's one last reason we partner up; so that when we are old and senile and sitting on the porch as wrinkled as tissue paper there will be someone sitting there with us. Someone to share our memories with, good and bad.

What's Your Type?

Have you ever thought back about your exes and tried to see what they had in common, besides you? Were they all the same look- tall, dark and handsome or short, preppy and baby-faced? Maybe they were physically different but they all treated you like a princess or were selfish in bed. I believe that often our subconscious chooses men based on a need we are trying to fill. For example, if you had a jerk father who was absent when you were growing up, you might choose emotionally unavailable men because it's comfortable and safe; even if consciously you say that's not what you want. We can shoot ourselves in the foot and go through countless failed relationships by doing this. People will often say to each other (about "dysfunctional" relationships), "Why does she stay with him? He's abusive!" or "What does he see in her, she's crazy!" Well, they are trying to fill a need they never got growing up. We will often date the exact opposite of our parents in an attempt to escape repeating the pattern, when in reality we are drawn to the same type because we subconsciously try to fix the mistakes of our childhood.

Take a moment to think about your romantic history. Have you had a type? And if so, think about if it's been working for you. Are you currently in a happy relationship that is not filled with jealousy, constant fighting, or controlling behavior? If not, ask yourself why not? Do you not deserve to be treated well and loved? How did your parents treat you and did you like it? For women, our father is the first male we ever have a close relationship with, and the opposite is true for men and their mothers. You might have heard the quote, "Look at how a man treats his mom. That's how he'll treat you one day." It is a bit exaggerated and a stereotype, but it is very telling. How is your boyfriend's relationship with his mother? If he thinks she's a hot mess and a nag, most likely he'll think all women are nags and will have trouble taking direction from a woman. (in other words, good luck getting him to remember to put his clothes in the hamper.....ever) Same goes for women. If she is really close with her father, admires him, and is a total daddy's girl, chances are she will seek men who pamper her and put her on a pedestal. (these are the girls who wear makeup to bed and tell their fiancées their engagement rings are too small...yikes!)

What does this all mean? I don't mean to ramble, but I just want you to think about your dating history so that you can stop repeating the past. As Einstein once said, 'insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.' (I'm paraphrasing) If you want to be in love and find happiness, but all your past relationships have failed, look at the type of men or women you're attracting going after and how they are like (or different than) your parents. Look past the physical. Beauty fades and money disappears, but class, self-respect, and kindness are forever. Maybe you'll create a new pattern for yourself if you are more aware of what YOU want, what makes you happy, and what hasn't worked for you in the past. That way, you can start a future in which you choose relationships that are fresh and healthy, not continuing unsuccessful old patterns.

#1 Cheerleader

You ever come home from a hellish day at work, craving someone to tell you how you should have done things differently? Ummm, nope! After a stressful day, all you want (and need, really), is someone to hear you out. Every day we have to bite our tongues and be polite when interacting with other people, so after a long day it's wonderful to have someone to just listen to you vent. We all need to express our feelings in a totally uncensored way, and that's why it's nice to have a partner (or friend, for all the singletons out there) who will listen, even when they may not agree with you. Despite their prejudices, they'll agree with you that your boss is a jerk or your mom is a control freak. They'll rub your back and tell you that no, you aren't gaining weight or losing your hair, and it's okay to have another glass of wine and or skip the gym once and awhile. That's what being supportive in a relationship looks like. Because after dealing with everyone else's drama all day long, sometimes you just need to feel heard and respected. Having a partner who is your biggest cheerleader is important for that purpose. They aren't lying to you when they say they think you look amazing or your work ethic is totally underappreciated at work. They see you through rose-colored glasses, as your partner should. While the rest of the world sees you as you want to be seen, they see you as who you really are and accept that, flaws and all.

71 Years and Counting...

I met a couple the other night at work who had been married 71 years. Can you believe that? That's almost 3 times my age. When I asked them how they stayed together for so long, they said something that's pretty basic: "We get along." Simple as that. They ordered the same dish and sat side by side, both in their 90s. In our 20s and 30s, it can be hard to imagine being with one person for 5 years, let along 71. What happens when it gets boring? What if you stop having sex? What if sex gets boring? Or worse, what if someone (or both people) cheats? Marriage is tough. I don't think a lot of people quite realize that. I don't think I do! I've only been married for not even 9 months, so I am still in the honeymoon phase. But I do think there's a misconception about marriage. It's idealized in our society and that's a reason why we have such a high divorce rate. When the going gets rough, we get going. We don't want to suffer or be unhappy, so we break up and find another person who can make us laugh, looks good naked, and makes a decent living. We forget that there will be years, (yes YEARS) of hardship. There will be times when you absolutely hate the person lying next to you. There might even be times when your trust is shattered and you don't know if you can ever trust that person again. But what it all boils down to (in my humble opinion) is two things:
1. Do you still love each other and like spending time together?
2. Do you both want to make it work?
Tom needed Jerry, Bonnie needed Clyde, heck even chips need salsa and peanut butter needs jelly. One is not enough to save a marriage, you both need to want it. And it takes work sometimes. It isn't always flowers and hot sex. It's baby vomit and dog poop. It's being incredibly hungry but still taking the time to make your hubby dinner before you sit down after a 12hr shift. It's working 3 jobs so you can afford to take your wife on vacation. It's sacrifice sometimes. But it's also knowing that you have someone who will love you and support you no matter what. You could be jobless, unshaven (girls too), depressed or simply boring and your spouse will have your back. That's love, that's marriage, that's a long-term relationship. And that my friends, is not easy. Do I know what I'm talking about? A little. I take advice from people who have been married much, much longer than myself. Like that couple who'd been together 71 years. They like being together. To spend that many years with someone and still want to sit next to them and hold their hand? I want that. Don't we all?

Dreams..Are they just for kids?

Hi readers, sorry it has been awhile. I want to post today about a non-relationship issue: dreams/goals/aspirations. Today I spoke to a woman who renewed my confidence in my own personal dream. What dream is that, you ask? My adult dream of being a successful Marriage and Family Therapist. You see, there's a difference between what we dream of doing as kids and what we aspire to be as adults. Our interests, tastes, and expectations change as we grow up. When I was little, my mom told me I could be whatever I wanted when I grew up. The sky was the limit. Too bad what I wanted to be was either a famous artist or famous actress, two of the hardest-to-achieve careers in the world. Cut to 20 years later and all I ended up with was an eating disorder and no starring roles or $5000 paintings sold. The reality is, you aren't the same person at 25 as you were at 5. Kids don't know that one in a million girls get to be supermodels or Miss America. They only see the glitz, the glamour, the fun of a job. As adults, we often see the grit, or the negatives of a career. For example:

Firefighter:
Kids: "Wow, I want to save people's lives! And rescue cats!"
Adults: "They aren't hiring right now. And it seems really dangerous."

Doctor:
Kids: "Cool, I get to help sick people get better. And I get to wear scrubs to work, fun!"
Adults: "I have to be in school for how long? And don't get me started on the student loans I'll have to pay back. I'll be in debt for years, not worth it."

Singer:
Kids: "I am on stage for everyone to see. I am singing because it makes me happy!"
Adults: "Make a career out of singing? Good luck. Might as well move in with my parents now and forget about moving out or going on a date before I'm 40. I'll never make it big."

Race Car Driver:
Kids: "I get to go fast! I love cars and racing!"
Adults: "Woah, way too dangerous. I could never do that, I'm too tall. It's too late for me to try."

The woman I spoke with today reminded me that, while we may not achieve the dreams of our youth, we can still dream. We don't have to settle for "just getting by." That is so depressing! Having dreams and goals as an adult is a great thing because it pushes you to try just a little bit harder. Yeah, you could watch a movie or get a massage (those rock, obviously). Or you could spend an hour writing that novel you've always wanted to publish or update your LinkedIn profile so you can score a better job.  Instead of looking at yet another "Desserts to Die For" wall on Pintrest or zoning out on Facebook, why not spend 5 min a day towards getting what you really want in life? Don't settle for good enough. Dream like you did when you were 5, but just tailor it for your adult self. You probably will never be a model or major league baseball player. Sorry kid, it just wasn't in the cards if you're over 25 and it hasn't happened yet. But what about working for your favorite team or becoming a talent scout? That old question, "What would you do if money didn't matter?" is corny as hell but kind of true.

My final example is one that recently happened to me. I just bought rims for my car, which I had to explain to .my mom since she had no idea what 'rims' were, or why I spent over a year saving for something that I never see. Anyway, the day after I got my new rims, some jerk keyed about 15 inches of my car, right above my back left tire. For a week after it happened, all I could see was the scratch, not the rims I'd spent a fortune on. I was seeing the tiny flaw, not the whole package. Focusing on the negative is never a way to be, but as adults we do have to be realistic. A 35 year old trying to be a princess is not cute, it's pathetic and sad. But a 35 year old creating her own business centered around princess parties for toddlers? Genius! Go after your dreams, because they don't die when you grow up, they just change.