A reader recently asked me to comment on getting cold feet before a marriage. Considering that I'm currently engaged, I think I have a reasonable perspective on the issue. But then again, I don't have cold feet...now. I have had doubts before in my relationship, and I know my fiancee has had them as well. It's normal to feel a little unsure about your partner. To think, "can I live with this for life?" When you think about "forever," it's normal to try to imagine all your partner's faults and ask yourself if you can accept them as they are, imperfections and all. This sounds odd, but think about both the good and bad qualities about your love. Don't analyze them like you would lite vs. full-fat mayo or skinny jeans vs. boot-cut, (much harder choices, of course) but do try to think about all the things that are wonderful about him or her and decide if you can live with that...today. Take it one day at a time, and don't get too stressed about the small stuff. Because everyone is annoying under a microscope. And the "cute" things you did at the beginning of the relationship start to get pretty old after the 2nd or 3rd year. The way you always forget to buy new milk or wear his clothes to bed? Yeah, after awhile it's kind of frustrating. That being said, sometimes those "cold feet" are basically frozen. You're seriously questioning if you and this person are right for each other. In cases like this, it might be smart to take a little break- it might give you perspective. It's easy to be sure when you have the security of the other person. But when you're truly alone, you can know for sure if you're better off that way, or if were happier with that other person. It's extremely tough to do this, but wouldn't it be a lot harder to get married and then divorced a year later because you realized you were miserable? At the end of the day, every relationship is different, but here are a few of my personal qualities that a good relationship has:
1. You are friends and have things in common. (seems dumb, but lots of people forget this matters!)
2. You like having sex with them. (and still do it after years of doing it)
3. You have sort-of-similar goals in life (kids, marriage, religion...the heavy stuff counts)
4. You want to be with them and no one else.
That's it kids, they are very simple but they work for me. If you get cold feet before you make a big relationship decision, ask yourself those 4 things and maybe they'll warm up. :-)
