One Day

I recently saw the Anne Hathaway movie "One Day." I won't spoil it for those of you who haven't seen it and want to in the future, but I will share with you the lesson I took away from that movie: Life is fragile. Enjoy the moments you have with the person you love. All the stupid stuff (like how he never manages to put his clothes in the hamper even though it's two feet away) is really pointless compared to loving, kissing, and laughing with the one who makes you feel alive. Those who are lucky enough to have found someone to love who loves them back- cherish that, be grateful for that, and remember to tell your love each and every day how much you love them. Because the only guarantee in life is that things will change.

PS: For the single guys and gals out there, I want you to know that just because you're single doesn't mean life is trivial. It may just mean that you haven't met "the one" yet, or it may be that you're having too much fun to worry about settling down. Every part of our life has a stage, and you may be in the single phase now- that's okay. Just remember to be open to meeting different types of people and the world will open up to you. Love your friends, family, pets, etc. while you can. That's what life is all about.

Timing and Soulmates

Timing is everything dear readers. Where and when you meet people has a huge impact on whether or not you'll date them or not. For example, many men aren't ready to commit until they're more established, which happens roughly around the ages of 28-38ish. (but all men are different, so this varies a lot) So a man who meets an incredible, beautiful woman and falls in love with her might not be ready to settle down yet. Either he hasn't finished sowing his wild oats, or he doesn't feel ready (financially and emotionally) to have a wife and kids. It's like that old Sex and the City episode where the girls compare men to cabs. If their light isn't on, they aren't ready to pick up their Mrs.Right. That doesn't mean they won't drive around picking up girls, it just means none of them will make it all the way home until that man is ready. But love is a crazy thing and it makes us do things that aren't really rational. So men and women will settle down for reasons that don't make sense. They don't want to lose that person so they reluctantly get married to keep them. Or they 'accidentily' get pregnant. Or they date for 6 months, have great sex, then pop the question before they've had their first fight. Women nowadays are getting married later too, and it's less of a major life goal. But we still want it all. We want the white dress and the awesome job we rock at. Oh, and the 2 cute kids that are the only children we can stand to be around because other people's kids are annoying. Whether you meet your 'soul mate' (a term I don't like because it implies there' s only one person in the WHOLE WORLD of over 6 billion people that you're meant to be with) at 26, 36, or 56 can change the course of your whole life. The person you marry you might not have met if you hadn't took that job or gone to that college. And you might not be with them forever. It's all about timing and luck of the draw as to whether you meet your 'soulmate' today or ten years from now. Although, I'm pretty sure there's more than one person in the world who will share your love of 30 Rock and mint chocolate chip ice cream. I think we have lots of soulmates, or rather people we can love who will love us back. What life stage each person is at also has a huge impact on whether or not their relationship will survive. What I do know is that life is full of wonderful people. I wish you all a lifetime full of them, and hopefully at least one 'soulmate.'

Yeah but....

The other day in class we learned that words are everything when it comes to relationships. How you say things is so critical. For example, if you told your boyfriend that he needs to help you with your car because you don't know how to do it and that's his job you're going to sound like a nag. That's the number one thing you DON'T want to do. Don't nag- it reminds him of his mother. Not hot- sorry mom. Instead, if you asked your boyfriend to help you with your car because he's amazing at that kind of stuff and you'd be really grateful (wink, wink) if he helped you, you're way more likely to get his help and he'll be happy giving it.

When it comes to communicating with you partner about your wants and needs (another essential skill, we aren't mind readers people) try saying "I think xyz and....." not "I think xyz but..." Saying but is a negative word. It disqualifies everything you just said. Here's an example of a conversation with and and but- see if you can see the difference.
Husband: Honey you look great today.
Wife: Yeah but this dress has a hole in it so it looks kind of weird. Thanks though honey.
Husband: Uhhhh, okay you're welcome. (feeling deflated and less likely to compliment you in the future)
         OR
Husband: Honey you look great today
Wife: Yeah and this dress isn't even new. Thanks honey.
Husband: You're welcome (feeling satisfied with himself)
Next time you're trying to say something or responding to your partner remember to use and. It's positive and your point will be heard in a better light than if you say but. If you're trying to tell your partner something and he says "Yeah I hear you, but...." it is irritating as heck. I may or may not be speaking from personal experience here :-)  And adds to conversations, while but puts things behind. Pun intended!

Marriage

I met a couple today that's been married twelve years. They have three kids. And they got married after only 6 months of dating. How do you think they acted? After that much time, many marriages are in the comfortable phase. Many have lost their spark. And many are in trouble. Jobs, kids, stress, changing bodies, boring sex- it all adds up to a lot of work to keep a relationship fresh. So, back to the couple. They were all over each other. Not in a gross way, but in a fun, sexy way. They cuddled, held hands for a bit, laughed together. It was so refreshing to see a couple that was still in love and happy after that many years. I know in the grand scheme of things twelve years isn't a whole lot. But let's face it- the divorce rate in our country is 50% and lots of people split up after only a few years or at over 20. Seeing this couple gave me hope for the future. Add the fact that they got married quickly and it's even more amazing. They told me "when you know, you know." There's a lesson in this couple. They were on a date. No kids, just them. And they had me take a picture of them snuggling together by the fire. It's vital to take the time to nourish your relationship away from your children. Without a strong foundation you have nothing holding the family together. My mom always told me: Put your marriage first, and your kids second. That's good advice. So for those of you who are married, I hope that your marriage will be fresh and romantic after two, twelve, twenty years- just like the sweet couple I met. A sweet and fulfilling relationship that lasts through the thick and thin? That's all any of us can hope for.

Fighting....yeah it sucks

Let's face it: fighting with your partner is not fun. It's frustrating to believe something that your love strongly doesn't believe, trying your best convincing them otherwise, and getting nowhere. Of course most people don't like fighting with their girlfriends or boyfriends. We want to have fun and laugh with our significant others- they're our partners in crime, not our adversaries. But life is rough and fights are bound to happen. Show me a couple that doesn't ever, EVER fight and I'll show you a dysfunctional relationship. Couples' fighting is normal, but that doesn't mean you have to like it. So how do you fight fairly and not have a fight ruin your night, or even possibly destroy your relationship? Tip #1: Sometimes it's best to just agree to disagree. You will not see eye to eye with your spouse about everything and that's okay. Tip #2: Go to your separate corners. After a fight, it's best to get some space from each other to cool off. Perspective isn't instantaneous, it takes awhile for you to realize what's really important. Tip #3: Apologize when you're wrong, but not if you don't mean it. Don't give in just to end an argument- if you do nothing will ever get settled and you'll be resentful and feel like a doormat. But do say you're sorry if you really did say or do something that was out of line. Remember that fighting stinks but is necessary to resolve conflicts sometimes. Also, there's nothing better than making up afterwards. :-)

Anger

We recently learned in class that anger isn't just anger. It's a defense mechanism for another emotion, such as sadness or fear. When people get angry about something, there's really an underlying issue. For example, when a woman gets mad that her husband stays out late and doesn't call, her anger is code for her being scared he isn't committed to her, or that she isn't a priority. Or if a husband is angry when his wife breaks his favorite mug he's really scared she doesn't care about his things, and therefore him. Anger can be a mask as well. It's protects us from letting others know what's really going on. Past issues show up as anger in the present. Getting furious at your spouse for forgetting your anniversary may remind you of how your father used to forget your birthday every year. Old wounds don't just go away because you grow up- they just scab over and leave a scar. We are all products of our families, for better or worse. When it comes to relationships, we often marry or date people who remind us (usually subconsciously) of our parents. And if there was anger in your childhood, you either learn to cope with it by being angry yourself or retreating from it. Remember next time you get upset at your partner to slow down, take a breath, ask yourself what's really bothering you? What does this remind you of? Getting in touch with your feelings will help you communicate what's really bothering you instead of just screaming at your lover. Anger won't get anything accomplished, and it certainly won't solve any arguments. Be honest with yourself and your partner and tell them as calmly as you can what's really going on. Fear? Sadness? Embarrassment? Insecurity? Admit the truth and you'll be able to communicate better and solve arguments much easier than ever before.

Birthdays

Remember being a kid and looking forward to your birthday all year? It was the one day where you could stuff your face with ice cream, pizza and cake and your mom would just smile and ask if you'd like more. It was your day. You got presents with shiny ribbons and could be as selfish as you wanted to be, no questions asked. But as you get older and pass the milestones of 16, 18, and 21, something weird happens. Birthdays no longer are looked forward to each year with eager anticipation. They're regarded with either apprehension or a "it's no big deal" attitude. And when you're with a partner, it's a whole different ballgame. What do you get them? As a woman, I find men to be incredibly hard to shop for. It's not like you can get them flowers and a shiny necklace and call it a day. If men want something, they buy it. So what do you get them for their birthday? Besides incredibly expensive toys like watches, shades, phones and cars, men don't lust for many things...besides women. That's why I recommend unconventional gifts for your significant other. Don't get me wrong, if your honey has been hinting that he/she wants a certain trinket for their birthday and it's not outrageous then be sweet and buy it for them. However, if they just say "You don't have to get me anything" or "I don't know, I don't need anything," then that's your cue to surprise them with something romantic that won't break the bank. Try a photo calender they can keep on their desk at work, or a homemade mug with a sweet message on it. These things aren't expensive but I guarantee they will be remembered far longer than another bottle of cologne or pretty dress. Because at the end of the day, it's not our birthdays that we dread as we get older, it's that we won't have anyone to spend them with. If you remind your love that they're the most special person in your life, every day of the year? Now that's a great birthday gift.