Take Yourself Too Seriously and You'll End Up Alone

I met a couple at work last night who had been happily married for over 18 years and just found out their son was going to Westpoint. They were affectionate and seemed genuinely still in love. As I do of all couples I've waited on that I build a connection with, I asked them "what's your secret to making your relationship work?" I want to compile all these answers and share them with you dear reader! Here's what they said, and what other couples have told me over the years.

1. Laugh at yourself, each other, together. Laughter is key to keeping your relationship fun.
2. Have fun together (try new things: snowboarding, karaoke, dancing, travel, or just a new restaurant)
3. Make time for each other (don't neglect your date night or your sex life)
4. Make time for sex- this is essential. You did not marry this person to be your best friend only. They are your best friend and your lover. Nourish both parts of the equation- even when you're tired.
5. Marry someone you actually like. (not just want to have sex with all the time- see #4) You're going to be stuck with them for the next 50 years or so, long after you both lose your looks so make sure you still have things in common after your boobs touch the floor and his face looks like a wrinkled paper bag.
6. Let the little things go. And the mistakes. (Does the fact that he chews with this mouth open bug you- yes of course. But does it make or break your relationship? No! Also, if one of you made a huge mistake 3 years ago but you both choose to forgive and move on, you really have to forget about it, or else you'll never truly feel happy and safe with your partner. Let. It. Go. You both deserve to be happy.)
7. Admire that person. No one stays with someone for 20 years when they think they're an idiot or they are a bad person. You have to respect at least one huge thing about your partner. (something not physical)
8. Be able to get along with their families.
9. Common interests. Sure, you might not have known much about Formula1 Racing 5 years ago, but now you know that Michael Schumacher is the greatest driver in history. A common passion is fun!
(see #2)
10. Be nice to each other. Even when the kids are screaming, the dogs are barking, you're on 2 hours of sleep and you have a sink full of dirty dishes and a huge presentation due for work tomorrow- be nice. You're in this together.

So....I'm Engaged!

So now I'm officially engaged, so I won't be a hipocrite anymore telling people how to have successful relationships! It feels weird but also completely natural. It's the next step in a relationship but lots of couples do it for that reason- not because they really want to. It's just 'what you're supposed to do.' You either break up or you get engaged. After several years together, those are your choices. For me, it feels like I am just so lucky. I get to be with my best friend forever. And we get to have sex? This is awesome! Seriously though, for all the ups and downs we've been through I feel happy to be here. It took me years to realize what I had right in front of me. I thought "oh I love him, but he's not xyz" or "do I have to live with his annoying habit forever?" I didn't get it that great guys who are caring, funny, hard-working and cute don't grow on trees. You find someone you love who loves you back? And they treat you better than anyone has ever treated you? You hold onto that person and never let go.

On the practical side, I got to plan a wedding now. I wish I had a million dollars to have this amazing big day. But I'm not rolling in the dough- and it's hard to plan a wedding when you A. don't have money and B. aren't a girly-girl who's dreamed of pink place settings and sparkly dresses her whole life. So I'm just going to do my best. That's all you can do. In life, in your marriage, in your job. A wedding is one day. Your relationship is for the rest of your life (hopefully).  What's really important- perfect dress or the person you love?

Being Nice without the Mask

They say we're nicer to strangers than to the people we love. It's sad but true- we often are our most grumpy, bitchy, and plain old rude to the most important people in our lives but sweet as apple pie to random strangers. I have a theory on this phenomenon. I think it's because we wear a mask, or a suit of armor in the outside world. It's a method of protection. We are ourselves, but there's a little bit of acting that goes on too. You know, that extra effort you make to look good, be funny, charming and nice? When you get home, the last thing you want to do is fake it. You want to be real, just relax and let it go. Hence the fuzzy socks and hideous sweatpants that make you look like a 50 year old mom from Wisconsin. (i.e.not hot) But while I know you can't 'give up' every time you're at home, for me it's important that I can be completely myself in my own home with my partner. Guys, you know what I mean: undershirt, no pants, Chinese food resting on your belly and hair that looks like it's been through a tornado while the rest of your body stayed put. Girls, it's the same story: raggedy track pants from high school, a faded tank top with no bra, hair on top of your head in a scrunchy, and most importantly: no makeup. Besides the physical unmasking, there's the realness that I like about being home. You don't have to pretend to be in a good mood if you aren't. I'm not saying it's okay to be a jerk to your spouse, but you can be real, honest, and just 'you' without feeling bad about it. It's refreshing and why home is such a sanctuary from the world. No mask, literally or figuratively. We can kiss passionately, playfully grab each other's butts, say outrageous things- all the stuff that's a bit taboo in public, depending on where you are. At home, it's a refreshing freedom to say and do whatever you want with the person you actually want to be with. You aren't being nice because you have to, it's because you want to.

Found my lobster....

So I got some unexpected but wonderful news this past week....I'm officially engaged! As great as that is, I actually sort of never thought I would ever get married. Not that I don't want to, I do. But I never thought I'd be so lucky as to find that one person who I love and enjoy being with more than anyone else and have them choose ME to be with forever. It's incredibly flattering when the guy you think is attractive, funny, smart, kind and loyal chooses you, you don't just choose them. Don't get me wrong- my relationship hasn't always been rainbows and puppies. It's taken 5 years of laughter, tears, fights, and regrets to get here. We have both made some pretty bad mistakes. But, we realized that we're in this for the long haul, and in the end, there is no one out there who makes me as happy as he does. We overcame our regrets. If I could offer up any humble advice to the single people out there, it's this: find a partner who you find incredibly special, and who finds you incredibly special. That's it. It's like the age old question of "how do I lose weight?" Uh, eat less and workout more. Simple. Love is the same. Yes, relationships are very hard and take negotiation, lots of communication (about likes, dislikes, sex, fun, morals, chores, etc), and a forgiving attitude, but in the end you need that one basic ingredient. It's like making cookies without the butter. It just won't stay together. You got to want to be with that person and find them desirable- big time. If a girl is wishy washy about you and always is "busy?" Not gonna last. Does he text you occasionally saying "Let's hang out soon?" He's not ready. Or you're not his lobster. (lobsters mate for life) Everyone deserves someone who will look at them like they're the best thing since sliced bread or color TV. (or PlayStation and hot sauce in my case) In return, you treat that person with kindness and respect, love and loyalty. That's all life is really about. I feel like I don't deserve the man I'm going to marry he is that lovely. I am so lucky. And that's a wonderful feeling.