I didn't write this article, but the man who did is a genius and hilarious too. READ THIS!!
http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-ways-you-know-its-time-to-get-married/
Monday, July 9, 2012
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Where's Your Better Half?
My professor recently gave us a great metaphor for a relationship. I don't think I've mentioned it on the blog before, but if I have, forgive me but it bears repeating. Think of yourself as a delicious cake. Your inner circle of friends, family and your significant other are your frosting. They don't take a piece from your cake. They add to it with the creamy frosting. Without them, you'll still be a whole cake. You're still you. But with them, you're just a better you. I love that because I think all too often people think in terms of absolutes. As in:
"Without you, I'm nothing." "If we don't spend all our free time together, something is wrong."
"I don't need alone time, I have you!" "You don't need time alone or with your friends, you have me!" "If we don't have sex all the time, something is missing." "If you don't want sex with me right now, you don't find me attractive at all." "If you don't do _____ for me, you don't love me." Or, my favorite, "If you don't know _________ about me, then you don't really love me or know me."
These sound silly writing them all at once, but I'll be the first to admit I've said more than one of these things. They're irrational thoughts! If he or she can't remember where you grew up, it doesn't mean they never listen to you. You grew up in Indiana- not that interesting. Move on! Avoid the words "always" and "never." People never do things ALL the time or NOT AT ALL. Relationships exist in shades of gray. Cut her some slack and she'll do the same for you.
Anyway, besides that great metaphor, the purpose of this post is to point out something I noticed today. When you become part of a couple, all the sudden you by yourself fades away a little. I went to a fun work party today and noticed that everyone asked where my fiance was. He happens to be at his bachelor party, but it was funny how that was the first question people asked me. I'm not saying it's wrong or weird, but isn't it interesting how, when we partner up, we are not alone anymore. We are "the couple." I like that in some respects, but while it's nice to be a part of a unit, I think it's always incredibly important to remain YOU. Keep going on long runs, having wine and girls nights, wear those ugly sweats, drink milk from the carton, spend the day watching "Sex and the City" reruns in bed, go on a trip solo or with your best friend, take a fun class, whatever it is that makes you YOU. I'm not saying that you need to be prepared in case something happens, but you do need to remain a separate, independent person in order to be part of a successful couple. No one wants to be with someone without their own life, their own thoughts. Independence and self-confidence are sexy. Keep being YOU and your couple-self will thrive as well. Because for every Brangalina there's a TomKat and Bennifer. I kind of wish more people had asked about my career instead of my love life, but let's face it- what we're working on isn't as interesting as who we're sleeping with.
And for fun, think about what kind of cake you would be. I'm a carrot cake and my fiancee is my tangy cream cheese icing. I feel happier when he's with me, and I know he feels the same way, but I'm still pretty tasty all by myself. So is he. And so are you!
PS: I hate the term "better half." No one is a half to anyone. We're whole all by ourselves, we don't need another person to complete us. Enhance, yes. Complete, no.
"Without you, I'm nothing." "If we don't spend all our free time together, something is wrong."
"I don't need alone time, I have you!" "You don't need time alone or with your friends, you have me!" "If we don't have sex all the time, something is missing." "If you don't want sex with me right now, you don't find me attractive at all." "If you don't do _____ for me, you don't love me." Or, my favorite, "If you don't know _________ about me, then you don't really love me or know me."
These sound silly writing them all at once, but I'll be the first to admit I've said more than one of these things. They're irrational thoughts! If he or she can't remember where you grew up, it doesn't mean they never listen to you. You grew up in Indiana- not that interesting. Move on! Avoid the words "always" and "never." People never do things ALL the time or NOT AT ALL. Relationships exist in shades of gray. Cut her some slack and she'll do the same for you.
Anyway, besides that great metaphor, the purpose of this post is to point out something I noticed today. When you become part of a couple, all the sudden you by yourself fades away a little. I went to a fun work party today and noticed that everyone asked where my fiance was. He happens to be at his bachelor party, but it was funny how that was the first question people asked me. I'm not saying it's wrong or weird, but isn't it interesting how, when we partner up, we are not alone anymore. We are "the couple." I like that in some respects, but while it's nice to be a part of a unit, I think it's always incredibly important to remain YOU. Keep going on long runs, having wine and girls nights, wear those ugly sweats, drink milk from the carton, spend the day watching "Sex and the City" reruns in bed, go on a trip solo or with your best friend, take a fun class, whatever it is that makes you YOU. I'm not saying that you need to be prepared in case something happens, but you do need to remain a separate, independent person in order to be part of a successful couple. No one wants to be with someone without their own life, their own thoughts. Independence and self-confidence are sexy. Keep being YOU and your couple-self will thrive as well. Because for every Brangalina there's a TomKat and Bennifer. I kind of wish more people had asked about my career instead of my love life, but let's face it- what we're working on isn't as interesting as who we're sleeping with.
And for fun, think about what kind of cake you would be. I'm a carrot cake and my fiancee is my tangy cream cheese icing. I feel happier when he's with me, and I know he feels the same way, but I'm still pretty tasty all by myself. So is he. And so are you!
PS: I hate the term "better half." No one is a half to anyone. We're whole all by ourselves, we don't need another person to complete us. Enhance, yes. Complete, no.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Sex for him, sex for her....this isn't the movies folks
Picture this: you're at that bubbly rom-com you dragged your boyfriend to and the on-screen couple that's just fallen in love (or lust) begins kissing then they tear off each other's clothes and have the most perfect, simultaneous-climax sex. Now here's your reality: you get home, both agree to sex, begin kissing, get naked, have sex for a few minutes or so, and either he finishes and you don't or you finish and then have to finish him off or....the possibilities are endless but the results the same: neither of you has an orgasm at the same time. If you do, please tell me your secret because it's only happened to me a couple of times. It's hard to do that- and it doesn't have to be your goal. It's okay to have sex that he loves and you're just so-so about. Or maybe you get your rocks off and he's indifferent. As long as you're both trying, it's okay. You're having sex. It doesn't have to be this mind-blowing perfect experience every time. I know women often are used to a guy finishing and then rolling off and going to bed. I'm not saying that's wrong, or that you should come every time too, but maybe it's okay to do that sometimes. And women: please allow yourself to be selfish in bed. Men do it all the time. Haha- just kidding guys! But seriously, it's okay to use him like your own personal sex toy. (cheaper and more realistic than the Rabbit!) Let yourself go, ask for the position you like best, and take a really long time with foreplay. Your orgasm matters just as much as his does. Having him-sex and her-sex and we-sex are all part of a normal, healthy sex life. So is a bit of S&M, oral sex, role play, spontaneous sex, quickies, 69, and surprising your partner with something they love in bed- just to be nice. Sex isn't a perfect, always right, always equal thing. It goes up and down (literally) and in a relationship you have to just relax and enjoy the ride (literally).
Dating Shows...Real or Real Stupid
The other day I was watching Bravo at midnight, eating peanut butter out of the jar (don't judge me- it's healthy fat!), when it occurred to me that dating-love advice-matchmaking shows are so stupid. This thought popped in my head because one girl (wait- make that woman, she was 34) was complaining about being single when she did the following three things: 1. wouldn't eat anything "fattening" on the date, admitting she was splurging by getting hot cocoa, 2. called her date after he didn't call her after 3 days, 3. dated a 26 year old and got upset when he took her ice-skating because it's so lame and childish. Oh. My. God. All women can't be this lame. This is why dating shows irritate me. They show capable, independent women acting like insecure, silly girls. I know we've all been there, but I just wish that there was a show that taught women how succeed in love. These shows claim they do that, but let's be real: one girl was begging a guy for a kiss (desperate, party of one), one went on a date she was dreading just to be nice, and one had an entire closet devoted to tutus and showed it to her date. Worst. idea. ever. They aren't showing us gals how to be in a healthy relationship. They're showing us how to be single forever. Honestly there aren't set rules when it comes to love. The tutu girl isn't meant to be with a guy who hates tutus and her self-imposed 'princess' label. Her future hubby will find all that annoying crap endearing and sweet- that's why they'll work together. Maybe there aren't dating shows that are real and show more realistic dates because that isn't good TV. Maybe the bigwigs at CBS think that no one wants to watch a semi-attractive guy take a semi-attractive girl out to a semi-nice Italian restaurant, nibble on chicken parm while they drink wine and talk about their majors in college, kiss for a few minutes in the car and then text each other a couple days later. Bo-ring! But that's real life. Real relationships aren't always going to Disneyland or having a decadent dinner out. They're about making coffee for him on his way to work, kissing good morning even though your breath stinks, sitting on the couch watching Family Guy and leaning your head on his shoulder. Those million little moments of love won't make good reality TV, but they make good reality. I guess next time I'll just shut-down my brain when I watch Bravo or the Bachelor and remember that seeing a girl crash and burn on a date is much more entertaining than watching her get groceries and a Redbox wearing sweats with her boyfriend.
Monday, June 11, 2012
You Can Look, But You Can't Touch...
Let's face it- as humans, we are drawn to attractive people. We enjoy admiring good-looking men and women; it's only natural to enjoy looking at beautiful people or people who are charming, funny, or otherwise eye-catching in some indescribable way. But when you're committed to one person, you can't act on those desires. I don't want to imply you can't have those impulses- you can definitely still feel turned-on by others, who isn't? You're in a relationship, not dead. I liken it to being at a decadent, new restaurant: You can browse the tempting menu, but you can't order anything off it. You have your favorite meal waiting at home, don't ever forget that. That being said, it's important to remember your partner's feelings when you see someone you find hot. My advice? Bite. Your. Tongue. No one wants their wife to talk about how she's like to hump Brad Pitt. Sure, it will never happen, but it still is another person she's saying she'd like to get naked with. Who wants to hear that? Think it, don't say it. It's just a matter of respect. Give your partner the same respect you'd like to receive back. I don't care who you are, everyone wants to feel like their mate wants them and only them, sexually and just in general. Even though it's not true 100% of the time (like when the 19 year-old blonde at work bends over to pick up a pen or the hot guy from the gym is doing sweaty bicep curls in the mirror), for the other 99% of the time, you obviously want to be with your partner or else you wouldn't be together. Like the great Paul Newman once said, "I have steak at home. Why should I go out for a hamburger?"
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Best. Quote. Ever.
Don't marry a man unless you would be proud to have a son exactly like him. I don't know who said this, but it's brilliant. Recently, I've been feeling stress in my life and with my upcoming wedding. It's been a busy summer! But at the end of the day, lying with the one person in the whole world who knows me, loves me, and accepts me, I feel grateful. I think that when you are in a relationship, you have to think about more than just "Is the sex good?" or "Do we have fun together?" Those are very important things, for sure. But also ask yourself questions like the quote above. Here are my favorite questions you should ask when you're in a relationship:
1. Does he or she want you around, at least half of the time? Have you met their friends/family?
2. Do you feel/act your best around them, or at least act like YOU, not a fake version of you?
3. Do you miss them when they aren't around?
4. Can you talk with them about the good stuff, the bad stuff, and everything in between- and will they listen? (And can you be okay with silence as well?)
5. Would you want your friend to date someone like them?
One more thing: you and your partner are the only two people in the relationship- no one else. Don't let anyone try to tell you what you should or shouldn't have or want or act like. It's up to you. Enjoy that power and own it. I'm not encouraging your to stay in an abusive or unfulfilling relationship, but realize that you can't let other people try to tell you about something they are judging from the outside. It's like looking at a cake and trying to guess the ingredients. No one knows what's in it but the baker. My relationship, like every other one, has a secret ingredient that makes it good. For my cakes, it's mayonnaise. (try it, seriously it makes cakes super moist) For my love, it's really just acceptance. Acceptance of his flaws, of mine, and letting each other be real. You can't love someone for who you want them to be- that' not fair. Love them for who they are, or not at all.
1. Does he or she want you around, at least half of the time? Have you met their friends/family?
2. Do you feel/act your best around them, or at least act like YOU, not a fake version of you?
3. Do you miss them when they aren't around?
4. Can you talk with them about the good stuff, the bad stuff, and everything in between- and will they listen? (And can you be okay with silence as well?)
5. Would you want your friend to date someone like them?
One more thing: you and your partner are the only two people in the relationship- no one else. Don't let anyone try to tell you what you should or shouldn't have or want or act like. It's up to you. Enjoy that power and own it. I'm not encouraging your to stay in an abusive or unfulfilling relationship, but realize that you can't let other people try to tell you about something they are judging from the outside. It's like looking at a cake and trying to guess the ingredients. No one knows what's in it but the baker. My relationship, like every other one, has a secret ingredient that makes it good. For my cakes, it's mayonnaise. (try it, seriously it makes cakes super moist) For my love, it's really just acceptance. Acceptance of his flaws, of mine, and letting each other be real. You can't love someone for who you want them to be- that' not fair. Love them for who they are, or not at all.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Happy Wife Happy Life...Corny or Actually True?
So last night I was serving a group of 6 at my restaurant. They were all really cool, laughing and talking to each other. They just seemed really happy and content. They shared food and wine, held hands, ordered for their dates, and pulled out the ladies chairs when they got up. It was obvious there were three distinct couples. I asked them how long they'd all been married. They said their combined years of marriage was about 135. That's crazy for these days of 72-day reality TV "marriages" and a 50% divorce rate. I recently read a quote by Debra Messing that said that 100 years ago people died in their 40s, so "forever" meant a much different thing than it does today with people living well into their 90s. As someone who is engaged, I've been thinking a lot about how to keep my marriage together. How do you beat the odds and make it last? Why does any relationship last or end? Certain unions are meant to end. Let's be honest. If you're 19 and dating a guy who barely speaks English and you have nothing in common with- you probably won't be together for a really long time. But then again, sometimes people in traditional cultures are still set up on blind dates or unions and stay happily married for 50 years. What is the magic ingredient that makes the recipe of marriage end up happy and loving for more than the initial 'honeymoon' phase? Well I asked those three very nice couples their secrets. Here's what they said:
1. Like the title of this post: Happy wife, happy life. This gentleman said, "I try to make her happy," to which his wife replied, "I try to make him happy too." I heard this advice a month ago when I asked a couple celebrating their 10 year anniversary how they stayed together. The wife said she always puts her husband first. My mom once told me how important this is in a marriage. Put your relationship, your partner, before yourself or your kids. That sounds weird, but if you don't have a happy relationship then that could lead to divorce, which, as a child of divorce, you do not want. Trust me.
2. Compromise. You aren't going to get your way every time, and neither will he. Find a middle spot where you both can be satisfied. Example: Not in the mood for sex but she's frisky? Agree to make out or take a shower together. That way you get the closeness of an intimate act without doing something you aren't in the mood for or are too tired to do.
3. Accept them as they are. I LOVE this advice. I'm a big fan of NOT changing your partner. It's just not fair. Would you want someone to be with you for what they want you to be, or for who you really are? Yeah, sometimes I break glasses, drive horribly, am socially awkward and don't listen. But my fiancee loves me regardless. We are not perfect. No one is. I overlook his flaws and he overlooks mine. Your partner should be your cheerleader/coach/friend, not your parent/disciplinarian. Of course you won't always agree or even like them. I can't tell you how many times I've thought "You're a jerk!" But I get over that fleeting feeling and remember his faults and how I have to accept him for all of him...not just the pretty parts. There has to be forgiveness as well, through things that you can get over. It may be a forgotten birthday, job change, long-distance, illness, accident, broken promise, or even infidelity. These things can tear people apart, and they do. It's not easy to learn from a mistake and move on, but it is possible if BOTH people are committed to the relationship. You can't be in a marriage by yourself.
Anyone can put on a good front for the beginning of a relationship. That's why it's so fun to fall in love. You don't worry about if they'd be a good dad or if they'd help you do the dishes. You wear makeup to bed and secretly brush your teeth before they get up. Heck you're lucky if you get a shower some days, let alone have time to look good. Fifty years of being with the same person? That's not infatuation or lust. That's really loving another person, unconditionally. Now I'm sure those couples weathered a lot of storms over the years- they also had a combined total of 15 children! Who knows what types of problems they've had to weather. But they made it work. We can only listen to their advice because they've been there, done that. I hope one day too I'll be sitting in a nice restaurant, smiling and still enjoying my husband's company after half a century.
1. Like the title of this post: Happy wife, happy life. This gentleman said, "I try to make her happy," to which his wife replied, "I try to make him happy too." I heard this advice a month ago when I asked a couple celebrating their 10 year anniversary how they stayed together. The wife said she always puts her husband first. My mom once told me how important this is in a marriage. Put your relationship, your partner, before yourself or your kids. That sounds weird, but if you don't have a happy relationship then that could lead to divorce, which, as a child of divorce, you do not want. Trust me.
2. Compromise. You aren't going to get your way every time, and neither will he. Find a middle spot where you both can be satisfied. Example: Not in the mood for sex but she's frisky? Agree to make out or take a shower together. That way you get the closeness of an intimate act without doing something you aren't in the mood for or are too tired to do.
3. Accept them as they are. I LOVE this advice. I'm a big fan of NOT changing your partner. It's just not fair. Would you want someone to be with you for what they want you to be, or for who you really are? Yeah, sometimes I break glasses, drive horribly, am socially awkward and don't listen. But my fiancee loves me regardless. We are not perfect. No one is. I overlook his flaws and he overlooks mine. Your partner should be your cheerleader/coach/friend, not your parent/disciplinarian. Of course you won't always agree or even like them. I can't tell you how many times I've thought "You're a jerk!" But I get over that fleeting feeling and remember his faults and how I have to accept him for all of him...not just the pretty parts. There has to be forgiveness as well, through things that you can get over. It may be a forgotten birthday, job change, long-distance, illness, accident, broken promise, or even infidelity. These things can tear people apart, and they do. It's not easy to learn from a mistake and move on, but it is possible if BOTH people are committed to the relationship. You can't be in a marriage by yourself.
Anyone can put on a good front for the beginning of a relationship. That's why it's so fun to fall in love. You don't worry about if they'd be a good dad or if they'd help you do the dishes. You wear makeup to bed and secretly brush your teeth before they get up. Heck you're lucky if you get a shower some days, let alone have time to look good. Fifty years of being with the same person? That's not infatuation or lust. That's really loving another person, unconditionally. Now I'm sure those couples weathered a lot of storms over the years- they also had a combined total of 15 children! Who knows what types of problems they've had to weather. But they made it work. We can only listen to their advice because they've been there, done that. I hope one day too I'll be sitting in a nice restaurant, smiling and still enjoying my husband's company after half a century.
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