71 Years and Counting...

I met a couple the other night at work who had been married 71 years. Can you believe that? That's almost 3 times my age. When I asked them how they stayed together for so long, they said something that's pretty basic: "We get along." Simple as that. They ordered the same dish and sat side by side, both in their 90s. In our 20s and 30s, it can be hard to imagine being with one person for 5 years, let along 71. What happens when it gets boring? What if you stop having sex? What if sex gets boring? Or worse, what if someone (or both people) cheats? Marriage is tough. I don't think a lot of people quite realize that. I don't think I do! I've only been married for not even 9 months, so I am still in the honeymoon phase. But I do think there's a misconception about marriage. It's idealized in our society and that's a reason why we have such a high divorce rate. When the going gets rough, we get going. We don't want to suffer or be unhappy, so we break up and find another person who can make us laugh, looks good naked, and makes a decent living. We forget that there will be years, (yes YEARS) of hardship. There will be times when you absolutely hate the person lying next to you. There might even be times when your trust is shattered and you don't know if you can ever trust that person again. But what it all boils down to (in my humble opinion) is two things:
1. Do you still love each other and like spending time together?
2. Do you both want to make it work?
Tom needed Jerry, Bonnie needed Clyde, heck even chips need salsa and peanut butter needs jelly. One is not enough to save a marriage, you both need to want it. And it takes work sometimes. It isn't always flowers and hot sex. It's baby vomit and dog poop. It's being incredibly hungry but still taking the time to make your hubby dinner before you sit down after a 12hr shift. It's working 3 jobs so you can afford to take your wife on vacation. It's sacrifice sometimes. But it's also knowing that you have someone who will love you and support you no matter what. You could be jobless, unshaven (girls too), depressed or simply boring and your spouse will have your back. That's love, that's marriage, that's a long-term relationship. And that my friends, is not easy. Do I know what I'm talking about? A little. I take advice from people who have been married much, much longer than myself. Like that couple who'd been together 71 years. They like being together. To spend that many years with someone and still want to sit next to them and hold their hand? I want that. Don't we all?

Dreams..Are they just for kids?

Hi readers, sorry it has been awhile. I want to post today about a non-relationship issue: dreams/goals/aspirations. Today I spoke to a woman who renewed my confidence in my own personal dream. What dream is that, you ask? My adult dream of being a successful Marriage and Family Therapist. You see, there's a difference between what we dream of doing as kids and what we aspire to be as adults. Our interests, tastes, and expectations change as we grow up. When I was little, my mom told me I could be whatever I wanted when I grew up. The sky was the limit. Too bad what I wanted to be was either a famous artist or famous actress, two of the hardest-to-achieve careers in the world. Cut to 20 years later and all I ended up with was an eating disorder and no starring roles or $5000 paintings sold. The reality is, you aren't the same person at 25 as you were at 5. Kids don't know that one in a million girls get to be supermodels or Miss America. They only see the glitz, the glamour, the fun of a job. As adults, we often see the grit, or the negatives of a career. For example:

Firefighter:
Kids: "Wow, I want to save people's lives! And rescue cats!"
Adults: "They aren't hiring right now. And it seems really dangerous."

Doctor:
Kids: "Cool, I get to help sick people get better. And I get to wear scrubs to work, fun!"
Adults: "I have to be in school for how long? And don't get me started on the student loans I'll have to pay back. I'll be in debt for years, not worth it."

Singer:
Kids: "I am on stage for everyone to see. I am singing because it makes me happy!"
Adults: "Make a career out of singing? Good luck. Might as well move in with my parents now and forget about moving out or going on a date before I'm 40. I'll never make it big."

Race Car Driver:
Kids: "I get to go fast! I love cars and racing!"
Adults: "Woah, way too dangerous. I could never do that, I'm too tall. It's too late for me to try."

The woman I spoke with today reminded me that, while we may not achieve the dreams of our youth, we can still dream. We don't have to settle for "just getting by." That is so depressing! Having dreams and goals as an adult is a great thing because it pushes you to try just a little bit harder. Yeah, you could watch a movie or get a massage (those rock, obviously). Or you could spend an hour writing that novel you've always wanted to publish or update your LinkedIn profile so you can score a better job.  Instead of looking at yet another "Desserts to Die For" wall on Pintrest or zoning out on Facebook, why not spend 5 min a day towards getting what you really want in life? Don't settle for good enough. Dream like you did when you were 5, but just tailor it for your adult self. You probably will never be a model or major league baseball player. Sorry kid, it just wasn't in the cards if you're over 25 and it hasn't happened yet. But what about working for your favorite team or becoming a talent scout? That old question, "What would you do if money didn't matter?" is corny as hell but kind of true.

My final example is one that recently happened to me. I just bought rims for my car, which I had to explain to .my mom since she had no idea what 'rims' were, or why I spent over a year saving for something that I never see. Anyway, the day after I got my new rims, some jerk keyed about 15 inches of my car, right above my back left tire. For a week after it happened, all I could see was the scratch, not the rims I'd spent a fortune on. I was seeing the tiny flaw, not the whole package. Focusing on the negative is never a way to be, but as adults we do have to be realistic. A 35 year old trying to be a princess is not cute, it's pathetic and sad. But a 35 year old creating her own business centered around princess parties for toddlers? Genius! Go after your dreams, because they don't die when you grow up, they just change.

What Do You Wear to Bed?

Someone once told me there is nothing more unsexy than coming to bed wearing granny panties or your boyfriend's ratty old sweats. I beg to differ! Sexiness isn't defined by merely by if you're wearing a negligee or not. That's TV people. In reality, when you first begin dating someone you do pay extra attention to how you smell, feel and look. It's called "wooing" and both guys and gals do it. Men bathe in Axe Body Spray (when did this become a thing? I don't know but I love it. Don't judge me!) and actually shave. Women spray on vanilla-scented perfume (because Cosmo says it attracts male pheromones) and lather themselves in Bath and Body Works cucumber-melon lotion. You both go out and drink enough $2 Miller Lite (draft, of course) to feel comfortable enough to get naked with a relative stranger and then after a few months, or years, you don't try as hard. Life gets in the way and you are lucky to shower everyday, let alone shave or remember where you put that Victoria's Secret perfume bottle. But sex doesn't have to go away just because you wear sweats to bed and lace stockings and a garter belt. Intimacy in a long-term relationship can (and often does) occur when you aren't even trying. It's taking the time to send a quick romantic (or dirty) text when she's at work. It's remembering to wash their work shirt when you do laundry. It's picking up his favorite food after he's had a tough day. Its all the non-sexual things you do for someone you love that can become days of foreplay. Because at 30 you don't have time to spend two hours getting ready for a date like you used to at 19. At 30 you also are too busy with work, kids, babies, friends, houses, whatever; you have to find time for sex instead of it just being there. After a few days (or weeks) of life getting in the way of you two getting busy, trust me in that he won't care whether you're wearing a t-shirt or a teddy to bed. He (and she) will remember how you told them you missed them and couldn't wait to kiss them all day. It might happen at midnight when you'd honestly rather be sleeping (sometimes). Yeah, it might not be the most romantic set up. But it's satisfying a need in the relationship that needs to happen; no matter what you're wearing to bed.

Hittin the Road...The True Relationship Test

So recently my husband and I took a surprise trip to Las Vegas. Along the way, we bickered a little bit and it reminded me that trips are a the ultimate test of a relationship. While trips are fun and a great way to get away together and reconnect, they're also stressful. You're away from home, usually at some point hungry and hungover, yelling at the guy who cut you off while you fight over whether to stop at McDonalds or Subway for lunch. It can get rough. However, trips are also a good way to get away from all the crap life throws at you. Instead of worrying about paying the mortgage or deciding whether to have kids or arguing about who does the dishes, you get to have 3-hour lunches and laugh over martinis at dinner. Vacations rock- obviously. But here are some tips to survive get-aways so you end up coming home with a IPHONE full of great pictures instead of memories about how you cried in front of the blackjack dealer cause you wanted to go to bed and he insisted on gambling for 2 more hours.

Tips For Traveling With Your Honey Without Wanting to Kill Them:

- Don't spend 100% of your time together while on the trip- take little breaks so you don't get sick of each other
- Don't stress about where you eat. Being picky is just annoying and arguing when you're hungry is the worst.
- Quiet time in the car or on the plane is okay. Filling the silence with questions about his favorite childhood cereal is cute when you're first dating but grating when you've been married for a few years.
- Spend at least one day-night saying yes to everything. Yes I'll have another drink, yes let's go to that strip club, yes let's make out in public, yes let's split dessert! You're on vacation- it's okay to ignore your routine-focused self and break out a little.
- Bring things to do. That's just a good rule in general for traveling. Nothing but the SkyMall catalogue to read leads to boredom which can lead to bickering. Or great conversation. Bring Cosmo just in case he doesn't feel like talking.
- Don't spend 2 hours getting ready to go out. Instead of flat-ironing your hair, why not have a pre-dinner quickie which will put you in a good mood all night. Throw out the schedule!
- Snacks are your friend. Lack of sleep is not. Taking naps together is a great way to keep from getting cranky, as is eating every 2 hours or so.

Finally, the only thing you really need to remember when you travel with a love (or anyone else besides solo, for that matter), is to RELAX. You're on vacation! "Go with the flow, take a chill pill, simma down now, chillax"- whatever lame quote you can think of to leave anxiety at home and enjoy not working, not taking care of the kids, not walking the dog. Have a blast seeing the world with the person you love more than anything. :-)

Texting, Calling, Facebooking...Don't Ask Don't Tell

I like to know about my husband's day; what he did, how he's feeling. There's a simple pleasure in coming home from work, hanging out on the couch together and sharing a meal while we laugh about something out friends did or bitch about our customers. But what I don't share is the play-by-play of my life, and I don't want to hear every little detail of his. If I get a text or phone call when we're together I might mention who it is, or I might not. Your significant other doesn't need to know EVERYTHING that you say or do. It doesn't matter! It's important to be your own person, separate from your relationship. I like to keep phones off the table during dinner. It keeps us connected when there's nothing but the two of us sitting together with no TV, no Facebook, no annoying ringing. The only exception I have is when  you get a feeling, deep in your gut, that something is off. Call it women's intuition or just noticing details, but if you feel like your girl or man is up to no good and is acting kinda "funny;" you're probably right. They might be getting a little too friendly with that hot guy with the tattos from the gym. Otherwise, let go of the feeling that you must know everything your love is doing. If you get insecure, remember that you're 1. Awesome, 2. Worthy of love, 3. With your partner for a reason: they like you! Otherwise they wouldn't be with you, nor would you be with them. So trust that they will honor and respect you when you aren't together and you'll do the same. And stay off their Facebook page- trust me it'll only lead to bad things. You don't need to know who that girl from the office is and why she thinks your boyfriend is "totally cute in that pic!" If you trust him, nothing else matters. If you don't, then maybe you should rethink what it is that is making you feel that way.

Jealousy: Sinning or Sexy...

Recently the seven deadly sins have been on my mind. Honestly I only know them because I saw the movie "Seven" with Brad Pitt. It's a gruesome but great film. In terms of relationships, I want to talk about the sin of "envy." I think sometimes a little jealousy is good. When a cute guy tries to ask you out and your boyfriend swoops in and says "She's with me" in a gruff but protective tone, puffing out his chest a bit, your heart does a little dance. It's exciting and sexy to know that you are desired and your man knows that. On the other hand, if you're approached by a guy and your boyfriend flips out and punches the guy- that's going too far. Personally, I have a history of being pretty jealous. I used to get upset when my spouse had female friends or if he got hit on. It made me feel threatened and unattractive, for some reason. It took a lot of work on my self-esteem to see that I should feel proud that other women find my man desirable and confident that he only has eyes for me. If there's cheating in either partner's past, it will likely be harder to trust, but you have to let that go if you're going to be with that person. I'm not usually a fan of denial, but not giving into those deep-down insecurities and choosing to trust your partner is essential to rebuilding the trust that was broken. I'm not saying ignore your gut (it's your best friend), but don't bring up the past- it is not relevant. No one likes being judged by their mistakes, especially if it isn't a recurring pattern. We all screw up! Back to getting the green-eyed monster off your back: feeling threatened by pretty girls hitting on your man is normal. That little flare of fire that goes off in your heart and makes you want to dump a beer on their shiny golden locks is not helpful. Communicate with your partner that you're a little jealous in a sexy way. Here's some examples of the right way to respond:
"Wow, those girls seemed really fond of you. Man am I lucky to have such a hottie for a boyfriend."
"I kept getting hit on tonight- so annoying. Every time a guy approaches me I wish I were with you baby."

Some examples of the wrong way to respond:
"So you were with your friend Shannon last night; she really seems to like you. That's so weird, I thought she had a boyfriend."
"Just remember what I said; it can never happen again or I'm gone. Remember that when those slutty girls are all over you."

Punishing or nagging a guy (or girl) will only drive them away. Being a little jealous is like being a little drunk- good in small doses. Too much envy (and too much tequila) is not attractive nor will it help improve your relationship. Quite the opposite actually. It'll make your partner feel like you don't trust them; not a good thing. So do your best to quiet that ugly green monster- your relationship will thank you.

Honeymoon: The Three H's...

First of all, sorry it's been almost 2 months since my last post. I promise to be much better this fall. I was so busy planning my wedding that I just didn't have time to write about relationships. But let me tell ya, planning a wedding is a huge stressor to a couple. You end up fighting about whether or not you should spend $600 on chair covers and how you should seat all 150 guests without causing family drama. It's a lot of work, but in the end it's completely worth it because you get to be with your best friend. And let's face it; weddings are a blast. Especially when it's your own. You get to be the star of the show for 6 hours. Anyhoo, now that that's done, it's time to talk about honeymoons. They are often the first time in your relationship as a married couple that you get to be completely alone with each other with no distractions, maybe no phone or TV, no friends or family, no work, etc., for an extended period of time. It's fun and sexy but also sort of an informal test. You get to see how you handle all that time alone with just each other. You may drive each other bonkers, or you may get to know each other in a way you never have before. Let's face it, most of the time when you see your spouse at the end of a long day you often just talk about what you did when you were apart. How your day was, how annoying that guy at work is, where you ate lunch, did you call the landlord, and all the other important but kind of boring banalities of everyday life. On your honeymoon, after talking about the wedding for the first few days, you run out of normal things to talk about. You end up going deeper, talking about things you've never discussed before. It's refreshing and different. We spent one night laughing about our favorite SNL comedians. It was completely unplanned and unexpected. And great. We were just friends hanging out as a married couple. That's what honeymoons should be about. Besides all the kissing and holding hands. (And other intimate things, of course) That being said, it's also pretty stressful being with someone 24-7 for a long period of time. You need to remember the three H's of honeymooning: Have fun (Duh, that's the point of a honeymoon; it's a reward for the horror that is wedding planning), Have lots of intimate time (No work, stress, kids, family, job, etc to interrupt you), and Have some alone time (As in, one day go get a coffee by yourself or go for a walk before she gets up. Trust me, when you get back you'll actually miss her as opposed to feeling like everything she does is annoying) Above all, take lots of pictures and laugh and eat and just enjoy being married. You'll always have another vacation, but you'll only have one honeymoon. Make it count, but don't get upset if things don't go perfect. Things will go wrong, but you'll have your partner to support you while on your honeymoon and for the rest of your life.