Best. Quote. Ever.

Don't marry a man unless you would be proud to have a son exactly like him. I don't know who said this, but it's brilliant. Recently, I've been feeling stress in my life and with my upcoming wedding. It's been a busy summer! But at the end of the day, lying with the one person in the whole world who knows me, loves me, and accepts me, I feel grateful. I think that when you are in a relationship, you have to think about more than just "Is the sex good?" or "Do we have fun together?" Those are very important things, for sure. But also ask yourself questions like the quote above. Here are my favorite questions you should ask when you're in a relationship:

1. Does he or she want you around, at least half of the time? Have you met their friends/family?
2. Do you feel/act your best around them, or at least act like YOU, not a fake version of you?
3. Do you miss them when they aren't around?
4. Can you talk with them about the good stuff, the bad stuff, and everything in between- and will they listen? (And can you be okay with silence as well?)
5. Would you want your friend to date someone like them?

One more thing: you and your partner are the only two people in the relationship- no one else. Don't let anyone try to tell you what you should or shouldn't have or want or act like. It's up to you. Enjoy that power and own it. I'm not encouraging your to stay in an abusive or unfulfilling relationship, but realize that you can't let other people try to tell you about something they are judging from the outside. It's like looking at a cake and trying to guess the ingredients. No one knows what's in it but the baker. My relationship, like every other one, has a secret ingredient that makes it good. For my cakes, it's mayonnaise. (try it, seriously it makes cakes super moist) For my love, it's really just acceptance. Acceptance of his flaws, of mine, and letting each other be real. You can't love someone for who you want them to be- that' not fair. Love them for who they are, or not at all.

Happy Wife Happy Life...Corny or Actually True?

So last night I was serving a group of 6 at my restaurant. They were all really cool, laughing and talking to each other. They just seemed really happy and content. They shared food and wine, held hands, ordered for their dates, and pulled out the ladies chairs when they got up. It was obvious there were three distinct couples. I asked them how long they'd all been married. They said their combined years of marriage was about 135. That's crazy for these days of 72-day reality TV "marriages" and a 50% divorce rate. I recently read a quote by Debra Messing that said that 100 years ago people died in their 40s, so "forever" meant a much different thing than it does today with people living well into their 90s. As someone who is engaged, I've been thinking a lot about how to keep my marriage together. How do you beat the odds and make it last? Why does any relationship last or end? Certain unions are meant to end. Let's be honest. If you're 19 and dating a guy who barely speaks English and you have nothing in common with- you probably won't be together for a really long time. But then again, sometimes people in traditional cultures are still set up on blind dates or unions and stay happily married for 50 years. What is the magic ingredient that makes the recipe of marriage end up happy and loving for more than the initial 'honeymoon' phase? Well I asked those three very nice couples their secrets. Here's what they said:

1. Like the title of this post: Happy wife, happy life. This gentleman said, "I try to make her happy," to which his wife replied, "I try to make him happy too." I heard this advice a month ago when I asked a couple celebrating their 10 year anniversary how they stayed together. The wife said she always puts her husband first. My mom once told me how important this is in a marriage. Put your relationship, your partner, before yourself or your kids. That sounds weird, but if you don't have a happy relationship then that could lead to divorce, which, as a child of divorce, you do not want. Trust me.
2. Compromise. You aren't going to get your way every time, and neither will he. Find a middle spot where you both can be satisfied. Example: Not in the mood for sex but she's frisky? Agree to make out or take a shower together. That way you get the closeness of an intimate act without doing something you aren't in the mood for or are too tired to do.
3. Accept them as they are. I LOVE this advice. I'm a big fan of NOT changing your partner. It's just not fair. Would you want someone to be with you for what they want you to be, or for who you really are? Yeah, sometimes I break glasses, drive horribly, am socially awkward and don't listen. But my fiancee loves me regardless. We are not perfect. No one is. I overlook his flaws and he overlooks mine. Your partner should be your cheerleader/coach/friend, not your parent/disciplinarian. Of course you won't always agree or even like them. I can't tell you how many times I've thought "You're a jerk!" But I get over that fleeting feeling and remember his faults and how I have to accept him for all of him...not just the pretty parts. There has to be forgiveness as well, through things that you can get over. It may be a forgotten birthday, job change, long-distance, illness, accident, broken promise, or even infidelity. These things can tear people apart, and they do. It's not easy to learn from a mistake and move on, but it is possible if BOTH people are committed to the relationship. You can't be in a marriage by yourself.

Anyone can put on a good front for the beginning of a relationship. That's why it's so fun to fall in love. You don't worry about if they'd be a good dad or if they'd help you do the dishes. You wear makeup to bed and secretly brush your teeth before they get up. Heck you're lucky if you get a shower some days, let alone have time to look good. Fifty years of being with the same person? That's not infatuation or lust. That's really loving another person, unconditionally. Now I'm sure those couples weathered a lot of storms over the years- they also had a combined total of 15 children! Who knows what types of problems they've had to weather. But they made it work. We can only listen to their advice because they've been there, done that. I hope one day too I'll be sitting in a nice restaurant, smiling and still enjoying my husband's company after half a century.

So is this dating now??

A single friend of mine was describing her dating life to me recently and maybe I've been out of the game too long, but....what the hell?? Guys text girls 5 days later and expect her to come over, drink a bottle of wine and then hop into bed? Is that what dating has come to??? I'm pissed! This isn't right! Let me preface this with one remark: there are two kinds of dating:hooking up and actual dating. Hooking up has no rules. You both are just in it for the sex- period. Maybe you'll share the occasional meal before, but let's be honest, he is NOT relationship material and you know it girl. Dating is different. Dating should involve actual time spent together: 1. during sunlight and 2. not drunk. If you really are looking to find a relationship, these are non-negotiable. At least some of the time you gotta be sober and see what he looks like dressed up, or actually wearing pants and not a tank top and boxers. No judgement here girls or guys, we have all had hookup buddies- there's nothing wrong with that as long as both parties get the deal. But if you are looking to fall in love, have a long term relationship, you are worth a man who will treat you like his future wife, not some chick he hooked up with in a bathroom at his friend Justin's party. Don't go out with guys who don't call you or who only text you at 10:00 at night asking "waz up girl? whatcha up to 2nite?" Not okay. You are worth a man making plans to hang out with you. If he is really into you, he will take the time to pursue you. He will put the effort in. And if he doesn't, he just isn't that into it, and neither should you be. We all want someone who loves us just as much (or more, haha) as we love them. So don't settle for someone who won't put as much into a relationship as you are willing to give back.

Cold Feet??

A reader recently asked me to comment on getting cold feet before a marriage. Considering that I'm currently engaged, I think I have a reasonable perspective on the issue. But then again, I don't have cold feet...now. I have had doubts before in my relationship, and I know my fiancee has had them as well. It's normal to feel a little unsure about your partner. To think, "can I live with this for life?" When you think about "forever," it's normal to try to imagine all your partner's faults and ask yourself if you can accept them as they are, imperfections and all. This sounds odd, but think about both the good and bad qualities about your love. Don't analyze them like you would lite vs. full-fat mayo or skinny jeans vs. boot-cut, (much harder choices, of course) but do try to think about all the things that are wonderful about him or her and decide if you can live with that...today. Take it one day at a time, and don't get too stressed about the small stuff. Because everyone is annoying under a microscope. And the "cute" things you did at the beginning of the relationship start to get pretty old after the 2nd or 3rd year. The way you always forget to buy new milk or wear his clothes to bed? Yeah, after awhile it's kind of frustrating. That being said, sometimes those "cold feet" are basically frozen. You're seriously questioning if you and this person are right for each other. In cases like this, it might be smart to take a little break- it might give you perspective. It's easy to be sure when you have the security of the other person. But when you're truly alone, you can know for sure if you're better off that way, or if were happier with that other person. It's extremely tough to do this, but wouldn't it be a lot harder to get married and then divorced a year later because you realized you were miserable? At the end of the day, every relationship is different, but here are a few of my personal qualities that  a good relationship has:
1. You are friends and have things in common. (seems dumb, but lots of people forget this matters!)
2. You like having sex with them. (and still do it after years of doing it)
3. You have sort-of-similar goals in life (kids, marriage, religion...the heavy stuff counts)
4. You want to be with them and no one else.
That's it kids, they are very simple but they work for me. If you get cold feet before you make a big relationship decision, ask yourself those 4 things and maybe they'll warm up. :-)

The Dreaded Nag Word

The worst thing you can call a woman you're dating is not a bitch, since thanks to popular culture and books like "Why Men Love Bitches" it's not as much as an insult as it used to be. No, the worst word you can call a woman is "nag." As in, "God you're such a nag. You remind me of my mother. Stop nagging!" Sound familiar? It's basically like verbal anti-Viagra for men. Want to never get laid again? Try telling him several times that the floor is not a hamper. Or ask him to put up the picture in 3 different ways, after he says "I'll get to it." Or, my favorite, criticize his best friends- never a good thing. Do you like it when he makes fun of your girlfriends? Exactly. But, while the n-word is such an annoying and libido-killing phenomenon, it's easy to do. Just the other day I was reflecting back on how I'd made fun of my fiancee and asked him repeatedly to do a couple chores. He'd responded "Yes dear," which is code for "OK shut up I get it, you annoying woman" in our relationship. I'm glad he didn't call me a nag, but I'm also glad I caught myself from being too....what's the word? Motherly. No one wants to sleep with their mom, and if they do, you need to dump their Freudian butt immediately and move to Alaska. While it's good to be loving and nurturing in your relationship, it's important to avoid doing TOO much for the other person, or being TOO controlling. Remember you are equals, and neither of you should tell the other he or she, "Should really iron that shirt, fix your hair, and remember to brush you teeth before you leave. No one likes a slob!" Ew. Thanks honey, but I already have a mother. Hate how he always forgets to take out the trash? Try what I like to call the "bargaining technique." It's how moms get their kids to eat their veggies. Say, "Honey if you take out the trash I'll (insert thing he likes here) for you." Works like a charm and doesn't come off as naggy.  Remember, being a nag = Mom, no sex, possible fight and not being a nag = Hot Girlfriend, possible sex in future and appreciation from your spouse.

Affection Counts More Than Sex

I used to measure the strength of my relationships by whether we were being intimate. How often, was it mutually satisfying, etc. It sounds weird, but I felt (thanks to TV) that if my guy was satisfied in bed he would never leave me or cheat. Now I know it's not as simple as that. While sex is a HUGE part of a relationship, it's not everything. And it doesn't mean the other person loves you. I've been doing some reading lately and it mentioned that it's actually affection that determines the strength of a relationship in the long-term. So all the little love taps, kisses, cuddles, touches you do to each other are what keep you bonded- not a roll in the hay every day/week/month. Let me clarify though that this doesn't mean that you can refuse having sex and your guy/girl won't go looking for it elsewhere as long as you hold their hand all the time- no. Refusing sex and it just not happening for a week aren't the same thing. Life often gets in the way of sex happening for awhile and sometimes you need to just put everything aside and just do it- that's okay. But if your partner continually tries to have sex with you and you reject them- that's a problem. Sex should be something that you both enjoy doing and is mutually satisfying. (if it's not, work on it. Speak up!) But just don't get caught up on how much or little you're "supposed" to be having sex. As long as you're both happy in your relationship, you make time for sex when you can, and you remember to be loving and affectionate with each other, you'll be okay. It's the little things that count. Say you don't have time to go out all night with your mate. That's okay, how bout you just walk to dinner and walk home. The time you don't have to linger over dinner or at a bar you're spending talking while you walk, hand in hand. Moments like that are what keep people connected, more than just sex three times a week. So next time you're both watching TV together, lean over and kiss him or lay on his lap. Doing so releases feel-good chemicals in his brain that connect him to you, and keep him (or her) connected in the long-term.

Sex Tiebreaker?

In the new movie "This Means War" starring the always lovely Reese Witherspoon, a woman is torn between two ridiculously hot men. While this doesn't happen to all of us everyday, I know quite a few gals who have been dating a couple guys at the same time and didn't want to choose, but felt weird about dating them both seriously. (especially when they had no clue the other one existed) Back in my single days, I definitely was in this predicament. Two great (sort of ) guys who make you laugh and make you want to rip their clothes off. It's hard to pick when you honestly have feelings for two people simultaneously. I don't know if you can be in love with two people at the same time, but I do know you can definitely be in lust, that's for sure. In the rom-com Reese decides to break the tie between her two men by having a "sex tie-breaker." I think this is hilarious and wonder if other girls out there have done this- chosen between two men by who's better in bed. Before you judge, this isn't a totally superficial way to pick a partner. Sexual chemistry is very important. You just have to have other stuff in common as well. In my opinion, you can learn to like football and Jack Johnson, but you can't easily fix mismatched sexual chemistry. You either have it or you don't. So forget about going with the guy who's the "right choice." Go with the one that at the end of the day, you want to spend the night AND the next morning with. The combination of having amazing sex and still wanting to share your Cheerios together the next morning is what makes a relationship work for more than just the first 6 months when neither of you leave the bedroom unless it's to shower or get more Gatorade. I'm just saying, sex tiebreakers might not be so bad after all. Because once you sleep with someone, you start to think about all the good (if it's good) reasons to be with them, or the bad (if it's bad) reasons to leave.