Cold Feet??

A reader recently asked me to comment on getting cold feet before a marriage. Considering that I'm currently engaged, I think I have a reasonable perspective on the issue. But then again, I don't have cold feet...now. I have had doubts before in my relationship, and I know my fiancee has had them as well. It's normal to feel a little unsure about your partner. To think, "can I live with this for life?" When you think about "forever," it's normal to try to imagine all your partner's faults and ask yourself if you can accept them as they are, imperfections and all. This sounds odd, but think about both the good and bad qualities about your love. Don't analyze them like you would lite vs. full-fat mayo or skinny jeans vs. boot-cut, (much harder choices, of course) but do try to think about all the things that are wonderful about him or her and decide if you can live with that...today. Take it one day at a time, and don't get too stressed about the small stuff. Because everyone is annoying under a microscope. And the "cute" things you did at the beginning of the relationship start to get pretty old after the 2nd or 3rd year. The way you always forget to buy new milk or wear his clothes to bed? Yeah, after awhile it's kind of frustrating. That being said, sometimes those "cold feet" are basically frozen. You're seriously questioning if you and this person are right for each other. In cases like this, it might be smart to take a little break- it might give you perspective. It's easy to be sure when you have the security of the other person. But when you're truly alone, you can know for sure if you're better off that way, or if were happier with that other person. It's extremely tough to do this, but wouldn't it be a lot harder to get married and then divorced a year later because you realized you were miserable? At the end of the day, every relationship is different, but here are a few of my personal qualities that  a good relationship has:
1. You are friends and have things in common. (seems dumb, but lots of people forget this matters!)
2. You like having sex with them. (and still do it after years of doing it)
3. You have sort-of-similar goals in life (kids, marriage, religion...the heavy stuff counts)
4. You want to be with them and no one else.
That's it kids, they are very simple but they work for me. If you get cold feet before you make a big relationship decision, ask yourself those 4 things and maybe they'll warm up. :-)

The Dreaded Nag Word

The worst thing you can call a woman you're dating is not a bitch, since thanks to popular culture and books like "Why Men Love Bitches" it's not as much as an insult as it used to be. No, the worst word you can call a woman is "nag." As in, "God you're such a nag. You remind me of my mother. Stop nagging!" Sound familiar? It's basically like verbal anti-Viagra for men. Want to never get laid again? Try telling him several times that the floor is not a hamper. Or ask him to put up the picture in 3 different ways, after he says "I'll get to it." Or, my favorite, criticize his best friends- never a good thing. Do you like it when he makes fun of your girlfriends? Exactly. But, while the n-word is such an annoying and libido-killing phenomenon, it's easy to do. Just the other day I was reflecting back on how I'd made fun of my fiancee and asked him repeatedly to do a couple chores. He'd responded "Yes dear," which is code for "OK shut up I get it, you annoying woman" in our relationship. I'm glad he didn't call me a nag, but I'm also glad I caught myself from being too....what's the word? Motherly. No one wants to sleep with their mom, and if they do, you need to dump their Freudian butt immediately and move to Alaska. While it's good to be loving and nurturing in your relationship, it's important to avoid doing TOO much for the other person, or being TOO controlling. Remember you are equals, and neither of you should tell the other he or she, "Should really iron that shirt, fix your hair, and remember to brush you teeth before you leave. No one likes a slob!" Ew. Thanks honey, but I already have a mother. Hate how he always forgets to take out the trash? Try what I like to call the "bargaining technique." It's how moms get their kids to eat their veggies. Say, "Honey if you take out the trash I'll (insert thing he likes here) for you." Works like a charm and doesn't come off as naggy.  Remember, being a nag = Mom, no sex, possible fight and not being a nag = Hot Girlfriend, possible sex in future and appreciation from your spouse.

Affection Counts More Than Sex

I used to measure the strength of my relationships by whether we were being intimate. How often, was it mutually satisfying, etc. It sounds weird, but I felt (thanks to TV) that if my guy was satisfied in bed he would never leave me or cheat. Now I know it's not as simple as that. While sex is a HUGE part of a relationship, it's not everything. And it doesn't mean the other person loves you. I've been doing some reading lately and it mentioned that it's actually affection that determines the strength of a relationship in the long-term. So all the little love taps, kisses, cuddles, touches you do to each other are what keep you bonded- not a roll in the hay every day/week/month. Let me clarify though that this doesn't mean that you can refuse having sex and your guy/girl won't go looking for it elsewhere as long as you hold their hand all the time- no. Refusing sex and it just not happening for a week aren't the same thing. Life often gets in the way of sex happening for awhile and sometimes you need to just put everything aside and just do it- that's okay. But if your partner continually tries to have sex with you and you reject them- that's a problem. Sex should be something that you both enjoy doing and is mutually satisfying. (if it's not, work on it. Speak up!) But just don't get caught up on how much or little you're "supposed" to be having sex. As long as you're both happy in your relationship, you make time for sex when you can, and you remember to be loving and affectionate with each other, you'll be okay. It's the little things that count. Say you don't have time to go out all night with your mate. That's okay, how bout you just walk to dinner and walk home. The time you don't have to linger over dinner or at a bar you're spending talking while you walk, hand in hand. Moments like that are what keep people connected, more than just sex three times a week. So next time you're both watching TV together, lean over and kiss him or lay on his lap. Doing so releases feel-good chemicals in his brain that connect him to you, and keep him (or her) connected in the long-term.

Sex Tiebreaker?

In the new movie "This Means War" starring the always lovely Reese Witherspoon, a woman is torn between two ridiculously hot men. While this doesn't happen to all of us everyday, I know quite a few gals who have been dating a couple guys at the same time and didn't want to choose, but felt weird about dating them both seriously. (especially when they had no clue the other one existed) Back in my single days, I definitely was in this predicament. Two great (sort of ) guys who make you laugh and make you want to rip their clothes off. It's hard to pick when you honestly have feelings for two people simultaneously. I don't know if you can be in love with two people at the same time, but I do know you can definitely be in lust, that's for sure. In the rom-com Reese decides to break the tie between her two men by having a "sex tie-breaker." I think this is hilarious and wonder if other girls out there have done this- chosen between two men by who's better in bed. Before you judge, this isn't a totally superficial way to pick a partner. Sexual chemistry is very important. You just have to have other stuff in common as well. In my opinion, you can learn to like football and Jack Johnson, but you can't easily fix mismatched sexual chemistry. You either have it or you don't. So forget about going with the guy who's the "right choice." Go with the one that at the end of the day, you want to spend the night AND the next morning with. The combination of having amazing sex and still wanting to share your Cheerios together the next morning is what makes a relationship work for more than just the first 6 months when neither of you leave the bedroom unless it's to shower or get more Gatorade. I'm just saying, sex tiebreakers might not be so bad after all. Because once you sleep with someone, you start to think about all the good (if it's good) reasons to be with them, or the bad (if it's bad) reasons to leave.

A Little Heavy but.....

This semester I'm taking some pretty interesting classes. However, the material is really serious. Treatment of trauma, child abuse, drug addiction, and alcoholism are just some of the topics I've been learning about. What has struck me so far is how trauma is linked to so many problems. (Depression, anxiety, eating disorders, substance abuse, dissociative disorders, etc.) The things that happen to us as little kids influence every aspect of our personality because our personalities are formed as children. Not just trauma, but everything that happens to us as we're developing impacts who we turn out to be. I'm a believer in the influence of one's environment and their genetics; not just one or the other. But what's really been on my mind is how your parent's treated you impacts how you are in relationships. For example, being neglected or having an absent mom could lead to trust issues in future relationships. Or growing up with a controlling parent can form traits like perfectionism or an eating disorder. I'm not saying "let's just blame our parents for all our problems," it's not about that. But talking about the past can help you get some insight into why you are the way you are. Personality doesn't just form magically as you grow up- it's shaped like clay. Unfortunately, there are lots of kids out there who don't have the best sculptor parents. (sorry for the lame metaphor, had to go there!) The good news is that, when you see traits in yourself that are hurting your relationship, you can work on resolving them. Do you have a bad relationship with your dad because he was never around growing up? You say you don't need his love, but every child needs a parent's love- it's human. When we don't get it is when deficiencies are created. We substitute other things for that love. The unresolved problem with you father will manifest itself, perhaps in an inability to let yourself be vulnerable, or give up control, as a way of protecting yourself from being that little girl again, waiting for your dad to come pick you up. I'm just throwing out hypothetical things here, I just wanted to share with you guys something to think about. Whenever you think "Why did I do that?," if you are able to investigate yourself deeply (with therapy, perhaps), you won't have to think, you'll know.

Valentine's Day

How do you feel about Valentine's Day? Is it merely a Hallmark created holiday to force couples to spend cash on bonbons and cheap red lingerie, or is it an opportunity to be incredibly romantic with the person you love? I think it's a bit of both, but I like to take the optimistic view that February 14th is a chance to indulge in a little bit of wonderfully, romantic fun with your partner. Do something that you wouldn't normally do. I'm not talking just dinner at your favorite spot and a cool movie- you do that every week. (or whatever your "dinner and a movie" is) Go to a nearby town for a mini-road trip, get dressed up really fancy and go into the city for drinks or a show, try a hot new place for dinner or a new type of ethnic food, get two bottles of wine and spend the night Tivo and IPONE-free just talking and hanging out like you used to when you first began dating, or do all the crazy romantic stuff you just never do because life gets in the way. I'm talking wearing a garter belt and thigh highs (ladies) and spending two hours getting ready (nails/hair/bod/makeup) or splurging on roses and candy and giving her a romantic massage (fellas). Either way you feel about V'Day, remember that at the end of the day it's about love. Tell someone you love them- if you're single tell your best friend or Mom- heck even your cat. Because on Valentine's Day everyone deserves a little extra love. Even Hallmark.

The Best Secret I've Heard About The Key to a Happy Marriage

I read this today on this cool Boston-based food/health/lifestyle blog called "Carrots and Cake." The writer describes how her father gave her his secret to a long, happy marriage. She figured it was what I always preach on this blog: Communication, love, trust...Wrong!!! What did her dad say? "Sex and money." Agree about those two things and you'll be okay. I kind of hate to say that he's right because I also think it takes some more things, such as having things in common that you both enjoy and talking about things that you need or that are a big deal. But, I think he has a really good point. After 20 years will you still be chasing each other around the house and agreeing about where the cash goes? Those two things are MAJOR in a relationship. If you don't have similar philosophies about both sex and money (which my fiancee and I didn't- we've had to figure out a way to compromise so we're both happy), you'll have problems. Hopefully using this advice, you will be an example of a lasting relationship. And remember to keep the passion alive and don't go on any crazy spending sprees!