A Little Heavy but.....

This semester I'm taking some pretty interesting classes. However, the material is really serious. Treatment of trauma, child abuse, drug addiction, and alcoholism are just some of the topics I've been learning about. What has struck me so far is how trauma is linked to so many problems. (Depression, anxiety, eating disorders, substance abuse, dissociative disorders, etc.) The things that happen to us as little kids influence every aspect of our personality because our personalities are formed as children. Not just trauma, but everything that happens to us as we're developing impacts who we turn out to be. I'm a believer in the influence of one's environment and their genetics; not just one or the other. But what's really been on my mind is how your parent's treated you impacts how you are in relationships. For example, being neglected or having an absent mom could lead to trust issues in future relationships. Or growing up with a controlling parent can form traits like perfectionism or an eating disorder. I'm not saying "let's just blame our parents for all our problems," it's not about that. But talking about the past can help you get some insight into why you are the way you are. Personality doesn't just form magically as you grow up- it's shaped like clay. Unfortunately, there are lots of kids out there who don't have the best sculptor parents. (sorry for the lame metaphor, had to go there!) The good news is that, when you see traits in yourself that are hurting your relationship, you can work on resolving them. Do you have a bad relationship with your dad because he was never around growing up? You say you don't need his love, but every child needs a parent's love- it's human. When we don't get it is when deficiencies are created. We substitute other things for that love. The unresolved problem with you father will manifest itself, perhaps in an inability to let yourself be vulnerable, or give up control, as a way of protecting yourself from being that little girl again, waiting for your dad to come pick you up. I'm just throwing out hypothetical things here, I just wanted to share with you guys something to think about. Whenever you think "Why did I do that?," if you are able to investigate yourself deeply (with therapy, perhaps), you won't have to think, you'll know.

Valentine's Day

How do you feel about Valentine's Day? Is it merely a Hallmark created holiday to force couples to spend cash on bonbons and cheap red lingerie, or is it an opportunity to be incredibly romantic with the person you love? I think it's a bit of both, but I like to take the optimistic view that February 14th is a chance to indulge in a little bit of wonderfully, romantic fun with your partner. Do something that you wouldn't normally do. I'm not talking just dinner at your favorite spot and a cool movie- you do that every week. (or whatever your "dinner and a movie" is) Go to a nearby town for a mini-road trip, get dressed up really fancy and go into the city for drinks or a show, try a hot new place for dinner or a new type of ethnic food, get two bottles of wine and spend the night Tivo and IPONE-free just talking and hanging out like you used to when you first began dating, or do all the crazy romantic stuff you just never do because life gets in the way. I'm talking wearing a garter belt and thigh highs (ladies) and spending two hours getting ready (nails/hair/bod/makeup) or splurging on roses and candy and giving her a romantic massage (fellas). Either way you feel about V'Day, remember that at the end of the day it's about love. Tell someone you love them- if you're single tell your best friend or Mom- heck even your cat. Because on Valentine's Day everyone deserves a little extra love. Even Hallmark.

The Best Secret I've Heard About The Key to a Happy Marriage

I read this today on this cool Boston-based food/health/lifestyle blog called "Carrots and Cake." The writer describes how her father gave her his secret to a long, happy marriage. She figured it was what I always preach on this blog: Communication, love, trust...Wrong!!! What did her dad say? "Sex and money." Agree about those two things and you'll be okay. I kind of hate to say that he's right because I also think it takes some more things, such as having things in common that you both enjoy and talking about things that you need or that are a big deal. But, I think he has a really good point. After 20 years will you still be chasing each other around the house and agreeing about where the cash goes? Those two things are MAJOR in a relationship. If you don't have similar philosophies about both sex and money (which my fiancee and I didn't- we've had to figure out a way to compromise so we're both happy), you'll have problems. Hopefully using this advice, you will be an example of a lasting relationship. And remember to keep the passion alive and don't go on any crazy spending sprees!

Stress = No Fun in the Relationship

I always wondered about why relationships don't work, and I have a few theories, the first one being that stress is toxic to a couple's well-being. That's why people who've lost children, had a miscarriage, or had to endure a lengthy illness often come out of it less united than they were before. Tragedy or success, both which can carry their fair share of extra "stuff" to do, are stressful. You have less time to laugh and play, and more time spent doing the things you have to do, not that you want to do. You don't talk about the goofy little things that you both love. Lazy Sundays spent taking walks and making lasagna together disappear, leaving memories of "good times, when we had the time." I have been fortunate enough in my life to not have had to suffer any major tragedies, and I feel for those who have had to go through a tough time. It's hard keeping a relationship together when you are barely hanging on yourself. Now that I'm planning my wedding, I thought it would be this fun, amazing, romantic time- it's not. Don't get me wrong, I don't have doubts or anything, but planning a wedding is a huge stress on a relationship. It's romantic and fun, but it's also another thing you have to do. You also have to agree about everything with your fiancee, which carries its own set of landmines. Add money to the mix? You're pretty much screwed. I love my fiancee more than anything, but this has been a stressful time in our relationship, and I didn't expect it to be that way. I think any "big" thing, be it a move, illness, accident, death, new job, etc. is stressful, and you absolutely have to remember to make the time to be together- no matter what. You may not get those wonderful days where you didn't have to even get out of bed in the morning, but in return you're getting to be with an amazing person who truly loves you. This too shall pass- as corny as that is, everything comes to an end, and you'll still be together if you take the time to reconnect along the way. Be it through sex, a date once a week, or stealing a few moments alone each day where you both agree NOT to talk about "that thing," make sure you make the time to be just "Bob and Jane," or whatever, before you forget what that means.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

You know that thing your best friend or your mom does that really drives you crazy? They always take forever to decide on what to order, or they write checks at the grocery store, or they walk really slowly- just a few examples. But what I've realized is that, as annoying as those habits are, they won't change. People are pretty much who they are- for the most part. You need to ask yourself, "does this really matter?" when it comes to getting upset about something your spouse does. (or your friends/family as well)
Things that DO matter:
1. Do they respect you? Admire you? Find you attractive and tell you so?
2. Do they do nice things for you? Or at least say nice things to you?
3. Do they make time for you? (no one is THAT busy- if they don't make at least some time for you, you aren't a priority)

Things that you shouldn't get upset about:
1. They work a lot to provide, in their words, "to provide a good life for our future," and aren't home as much as you'd like. Remember that you're lucky to have a partner who works hard and has a job- or 3.
2. They snore/fart/burp in (or out of bed). Yeah it's gross, but is it worth nagging someone about constantly? Maybe it's a sign they feel really comfortable around you.
3. They aren't rich. Money does. not. matter. Ambition, drive, and a good work ethic does. Do they (and you) aspire for a better future, or rather, the same type of future? That's what really matters.

 Similar goals, dreams, hobbies, interests- these are the foundation for a "strong relationship house." Add respect and admiration to the love house and you've got a pretty strong relationship. The roof on this dwelling is passion- sexual passion. This also takes work and it ebbs and flows throughout a long-term relationship. But just because it sometimes quiets doesn't mean it's gone forever- you can ignite that sizzle again. It just takes effort. The most important question you have to ask yourself is: do you BOTH want to work on it? That's the key thing, because you can't be in a relationship by yourself.

Sitting on the couch = best day ever

This is an incredibly corny post, but I have to say one thing I love about being in a happy relationship. I love being with my love, hanging out in sweatpants, eating dinner and watching football. (okay, minus the football part, I could care less about that. The only two words I know are touchdown and sack) I'm not wearing makeup, my hair is wet, and he looks like he just crawled out of bed. It's the perfect Sunday because we never get to do it. We're so busy normally that hanging out together watching Bad Boys and Billy Madison (perfect double feature, by the way) is a rare occasion. I love it because it doesn't happen everyday. I don't recommend completely giving up and looking like a schlub all the time. But once and awhile it's nice to know you can be totally comfortable with your partner and know they feel the same way. There's no expectations, no airs, just being together without actually doing anything. He might play a video game, I might clean the kitchen. It's like the anti-date night date night. Try it sometime with someone you love if you are like us and never get the chance to slow down and just be together. If you're the opposite and this kind of thing happens all the time, then go out once and awhile and get all dolled up. Remind him or her that you are HOT and deserve a night on the town. And here's a tip for the ladies: be nice and pay for at least one part of the date- no one wants to date an ungrateful gold digger.

Take Yourself Too Seriously and You'll End Up Alone

I met a couple at work last night who had been happily married for over 18 years and just found out their son was going to Westpoint. They were affectionate and seemed genuinely still in love. As I do of all couples I've waited on that I build a connection with, I asked them "what's your secret to making your relationship work?" I want to compile all these answers and share them with you dear reader! Here's what they said, and what other couples have told me over the years.

1. Laugh at yourself, each other, together. Laughter is key to keeping your relationship fun.
2. Have fun together (try new things: snowboarding, karaoke, dancing, travel, or just a new restaurant)
3. Make time for each other (don't neglect your date night or your sex life)
4. Make time for sex- this is essential. You did not marry this person to be your best friend only. They are your best friend and your lover. Nourish both parts of the equation- even when you're tired.
5. Marry someone you actually like. (not just want to have sex with all the time- see #4) You're going to be stuck with them for the next 50 years or so, long after you both lose your looks so make sure you still have things in common after your boobs touch the floor and his face looks like a wrinkled paper bag.
6. Let the little things go. And the mistakes. (Does the fact that he chews with this mouth open bug you- yes of course. But does it make or break your relationship? No! Also, if one of you made a huge mistake 3 years ago but you both choose to forgive and move on, you really have to forget about it, or else you'll never truly feel happy and safe with your partner. Let. It. Go. You both deserve to be happy.)
7. Admire that person. No one stays with someone for 20 years when they think they're an idiot or they are a bad person. You have to respect at least one huge thing about your partner. (something not physical)
8. Be able to get along with their families.
9. Common interests. Sure, you might not have known much about Formula1 Racing 5 years ago, but now you know that Michael Schumacher is the greatest driver in history. A common passion is fun!
(see #2)
10. Be nice to each other. Even when the kids are screaming, the dogs are barking, you're on 2 hours of sleep and you have a sink full of dirty dishes and a huge presentation due for work tomorrow- be nice. You're in this together.