The Best Secret I've Heard About The Key to a Happy Marriage

I read this today on this cool Boston-based food/health/lifestyle blog called "Carrots and Cake." The writer describes how her father gave her his secret to a long, happy marriage. She figured it was what I always preach on this blog: Communication, love, trust...Wrong!!! What did her dad say? "Sex and money." Agree about those two things and you'll be okay. I kind of hate to say that he's right because I also think it takes some more things, such as having things in common that you both enjoy and talking about things that you need or that are a big deal. But, I think he has a really good point. After 20 years will you still be chasing each other around the house and agreeing about where the cash goes? Those two things are MAJOR in a relationship. If you don't have similar philosophies about both sex and money (which my fiancee and I didn't- we've had to figure out a way to compromise so we're both happy), you'll have problems. Hopefully using this advice, you will be an example of a lasting relationship. And remember to keep the passion alive and don't go on any crazy spending sprees!

Stress = No Fun in the Relationship

I always wondered about why relationships don't work, and I have a few theories, the first one being that stress is toxic to a couple's well-being. That's why people who've lost children, had a miscarriage, or had to endure a lengthy illness often come out of it less united than they were before. Tragedy or success, both which can carry their fair share of extra "stuff" to do, are stressful. You have less time to laugh and play, and more time spent doing the things you have to do, not that you want to do. You don't talk about the goofy little things that you both love. Lazy Sundays spent taking walks and making lasagna together disappear, leaving memories of "good times, when we had the time." I have been fortunate enough in my life to not have had to suffer any major tragedies, and I feel for those who have had to go through a tough time. It's hard keeping a relationship together when you are barely hanging on yourself. Now that I'm planning my wedding, I thought it would be this fun, amazing, romantic time- it's not. Don't get me wrong, I don't have doubts or anything, but planning a wedding is a huge stress on a relationship. It's romantic and fun, but it's also another thing you have to do. You also have to agree about everything with your fiancee, which carries its own set of landmines. Add money to the mix? You're pretty much screwed. I love my fiancee more than anything, but this has been a stressful time in our relationship, and I didn't expect it to be that way. I think any "big" thing, be it a move, illness, accident, death, new job, etc. is stressful, and you absolutely have to remember to make the time to be together- no matter what. You may not get those wonderful days where you didn't have to even get out of bed in the morning, but in return you're getting to be with an amazing person who truly loves you. This too shall pass- as corny as that is, everything comes to an end, and you'll still be together if you take the time to reconnect along the way. Be it through sex, a date once a week, or stealing a few moments alone each day where you both agree NOT to talk about "that thing," make sure you make the time to be just "Bob and Jane," or whatever, before you forget what that means.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

You know that thing your best friend or your mom does that really drives you crazy? They always take forever to decide on what to order, or they write checks at the grocery store, or they walk really slowly- just a few examples. But what I've realized is that, as annoying as those habits are, they won't change. People are pretty much who they are- for the most part. You need to ask yourself, "does this really matter?" when it comes to getting upset about something your spouse does. (or your friends/family as well)
Things that DO matter:
1. Do they respect you? Admire you? Find you attractive and tell you so?
2. Do they do nice things for you? Or at least say nice things to you?
3. Do they make time for you? (no one is THAT busy- if they don't make at least some time for you, you aren't a priority)

Things that you shouldn't get upset about:
1. They work a lot to provide, in their words, "to provide a good life for our future," and aren't home as much as you'd like. Remember that you're lucky to have a partner who works hard and has a job- or 3.
2. They snore/fart/burp in (or out of bed). Yeah it's gross, but is it worth nagging someone about constantly? Maybe it's a sign they feel really comfortable around you.
3. They aren't rich. Money does. not. matter. Ambition, drive, and a good work ethic does. Do they (and you) aspire for a better future, or rather, the same type of future? That's what really matters.

 Similar goals, dreams, hobbies, interests- these are the foundation for a "strong relationship house." Add respect and admiration to the love house and you've got a pretty strong relationship. The roof on this dwelling is passion- sexual passion. This also takes work and it ebbs and flows throughout a long-term relationship. But just because it sometimes quiets doesn't mean it's gone forever- you can ignite that sizzle again. It just takes effort. The most important question you have to ask yourself is: do you BOTH want to work on it? That's the key thing, because you can't be in a relationship by yourself.

Sitting on the couch = best day ever

This is an incredibly corny post, but I have to say one thing I love about being in a happy relationship. I love being with my love, hanging out in sweatpants, eating dinner and watching football. (okay, minus the football part, I could care less about that. The only two words I know are touchdown and sack) I'm not wearing makeup, my hair is wet, and he looks like he just crawled out of bed. It's the perfect Sunday because we never get to do it. We're so busy normally that hanging out together watching Bad Boys and Billy Madison (perfect double feature, by the way) is a rare occasion. I love it because it doesn't happen everyday. I don't recommend completely giving up and looking like a schlub all the time. But once and awhile it's nice to know you can be totally comfortable with your partner and know they feel the same way. There's no expectations, no airs, just being together without actually doing anything. He might play a video game, I might clean the kitchen. It's like the anti-date night date night. Try it sometime with someone you love if you are like us and never get the chance to slow down and just be together. If you're the opposite and this kind of thing happens all the time, then go out once and awhile and get all dolled up. Remind him or her that you are HOT and deserve a night on the town. And here's a tip for the ladies: be nice and pay for at least one part of the date- no one wants to date an ungrateful gold digger.

Take Yourself Too Seriously and You'll End Up Alone

I met a couple at work last night who had been happily married for over 18 years and just found out their son was going to Westpoint. They were affectionate and seemed genuinely still in love. As I do of all couples I've waited on that I build a connection with, I asked them "what's your secret to making your relationship work?" I want to compile all these answers and share them with you dear reader! Here's what they said, and what other couples have told me over the years.

1. Laugh at yourself, each other, together. Laughter is key to keeping your relationship fun.
2. Have fun together (try new things: snowboarding, karaoke, dancing, travel, or just a new restaurant)
3. Make time for each other (don't neglect your date night or your sex life)
4. Make time for sex- this is essential. You did not marry this person to be your best friend only. They are your best friend and your lover. Nourish both parts of the equation- even when you're tired.
5. Marry someone you actually like. (not just want to have sex with all the time- see #4) You're going to be stuck with them for the next 50 years or so, long after you both lose your looks so make sure you still have things in common after your boobs touch the floor and his face looks like a wrinkled paper bag.
6. Let the little things go. And the mistakes. (Does the fact that he chews with this mouth open bug you- yes of course. But does it make or break your relationship? No! Also, if one of you made a huge mistake 3 years ago but you both choose to forgive and move on, you really have to forget about it, or else you'll never truly feel happy and safe with your partner. Let. It. Go. You both deserve to be happy.)
7. Admire that person. No one stays with someone for 20 years when they think they're an idiot or they are a bad person. You have to respect at least one huge thing about your partner. (something not physical)
8. Be able to get along with their families.
9. Common interests. Sure, you might not have known much about Formula1 Racing 5 years ago, but now you know that Michael Schumacher is the greatest driver in history. A common passion is fun!
(see #2)
10. Be nice to each other. Even when the kids are screaming, the dogs are barking, you're on 2 hours of sleep and you have a sink full of dirty dishes and a huge presentation due for work tomorrow- be nice. You're in this together.

So....I'm Engaged!

So now I'm officially engaged, so I won't be a hipocrite anymore telling people how to have successful relationships! It feels weird but also completely natural. It's the next step in a relationship but lots of couples do it for that reason- not because they really want to. It's just 'what you're supposed to do.' You either break up or you get engaged. After several years together, those are your choices. For me, it feels like I am just so lucky. I get to be with my best friend forever. And we get to have sex? This is awesome! Seriously though, for all the ups and downs we've been through I feel happy to be here. It took me years to realize what I had right in front of me. I thought "oh I love him, but he's not xyz" or "do I have to live with his annoying habit forever?" I didn't get it that great guys who are caring, funny, hard-working and cute don't grow on trees. You find someone you love who loves you back? And they treat you better than anyone has ever treated you? You hold onto that person and never let go.

On the practical side, I got to plan a wedding now. I wish I had a million dollars to have this amazing big day. But I'm not rolling in the dough- and it's hard to plan a wedding when you A. don't have money and B. aren't a girly-girl who's dreamed of pink place settings and sparkly dresses her whole life. So I'm just going to do my best. That's all you can do. In life, in your marriage, in your job. A wedding is one day. Your relationship is for the rest of your life (hopefully).  What's really important- perfect dress or the person you love?

Being Nice without the Mask

They say we're nicer to strangers than to the people we love. It's sad but true- we often are our most grumpy, bitchy, and plain old rude to the most important people in our lives but sweet as apple pie to random strangers. I have a theory on this phenomenon. I think it's because we wear a mask, or a suit of armor in the outside world. It's a method of protection. We are ourselves, but there's a little bit of acting that goes on too. You know, that extra effort you make to look good, be funny, charming and nice? When you get home, the last thing you want to do is fake it. You want to be real, just relax and let it go. Hence the fuzzy socks and hideous sweatpants that make you look like a 50 year old mom from Wisconsin. (i.e.not hot) But while I know you can't 'give up' every time you're at home, for me it's important that I can be completely myself in my own home with my partner. Guys, you know what I mean: undershirt, no pants, Chinese food resting on your belly and hair that looks like it's been through a tornado while the rest of your body stayed put. Girls, it's the same story: raggedy track pants from high school, a faded tank top with no bra, hair on top of your head in a scrunchy, and most importantly: no makeup. Besides the physical unmasking, there's the realness that I like about being home. You don't have to pretend to be in a good mood if you aren't. I'm not saying it's okay to be a jerk to your spouse, but you can be real, honest, and just 'you' without feeling bad about it. It's refreshing and why home is such a sanctuary from the world. No mask, literally or figuratively. We can kiss passionately, playfully grab each other's butts, say outrageous things- all the stuff that's a bit taboo in public, depending on where you are. At home, it's a refreshing freedom to say and do whatever you want with the person you actually want to be with. You aren't being nice because you have to, it's because you want to.