Fighting....yeah it sucks

Let's face it: fighting with your partner is not fun. It's frustrating to believe something that your love strongly doesn't believe, trying your best convincing them otherwise, and getting nowhere. Of course most people don't like fighting with their girlfriends or boyfriends. We want to have fun and laugh with our significant others- they're our partners in crime, not our adversaries. But life is rough and fights are bound to happen. Show me a couple that doesn't ever, EVER fight and I'll show you a dysfunctional relationship. Couples' fighting is normal, but that doesn't mean you have to like it. So how do you fight fairly and not have a fight ruin your night, or even possibly destroy your relationship? Tip #1: Sometimes it's best to just agree to disagree. You will not see eye to eye with your spouse about everything and that's okay. Tip #2: Go to your separate corners. After a fight, it's best to get some space from each other to cool off. Perspective isn't instantaneous, it takes awhile for you to realize what's really important. Tip #3: Apologize when you're wrong, but not if you don't mean it. Don't give in just to end an argument- if you do nothing will ever get settled and you'll be resentful and feel like a doormat. But do say you're sorry if you really did say or do something that was out of line. Remember that fighting stinks but is necessary to resolve conflicts sometimes. Also, there's nothing better than making up afterwards. :-)

Anger

We recently learned in class that anger isn't just anger. It's a defense mechanism for another emotion, such as sadness or fear. When people get angry about something, there's really an underlying issue. For example, when a woman gets mad that her husband stays out late and doesn't call, her anger is code for her being scared he isn't committed to her, or that she isn't a priority. Or if a husband is angry when his wife breaks his favorite mug he's really scared she doesn't care about his things, and therefore him. Anger can be a mask as well. It's protects us from letting others know what's really going on. Past issues show up as anger in the present. Getting furious at your spouse for forgetting your anniversary may remind you of how your father used to forget your birthday every year. Old wounds don't just go away because you grow up- they just scab over and leave a scar. We are all products of our families, for better or worse. When it comes to relationships, we often marry or date people who remind us (usually subconsciously) of our parents. And if there was anger in your childhood, you either learn to cope with it by being angry yourself or retreating from it. Remember next time you get upset at your partner to slow down, take a breath, ask yourself what's really bothering you? What does this remind you of? Getting in touch with your feelings will help you communicate what's really bothering you instead of just screaming at your lover. Anger won't get anything accomplished, and it certainly won't solve any arguments. Be honest with yourself and your partner and tell them as calmly as you can what's really going on. Fear? Sadness? Embarrassment? Insecurity? Admit the truth and you'll be able to communicate better and solve arguments much easier than ever before.

Birthdays

Remember being a kid and looking forward to your birthday all year? It was the one day where you could stuff your face with ice cream, pizza and cake and your mom would just smile and ask if you'd like more. It was your day. You got presents with shiny ribbons and could be as selfish as you wanted to be, no questions asked. But as you get older and pass the milestones of 16, 18, and 21, something weird happens. Birthdays no longer are looked forward to each year with eager anticipation. They're regarded with either apprehension or a "it's no big deal" attitude. And when you're with a partner, it's a whole different ballgame. What do you get them? As a woman, I find men to be incredibly hard to shop for. It's not like you can get them flowers and a shiny necklace and call it a day. If men want something, they buy it. So what do you get them for their birthday? Besides incredibly expensive toys like watches, shades, phones and cars, men don't lust for many things...besides women. That's why I recommend unconventional gifts for your significant other. Don't get me wrong, if your honey has been hinting that he/she wants a certain trinket for their birthday and it's not outrageous then be sweet and buy it for them. However, if they just say "You don't have to get me anything" or "I don't know, I don't need anything," then that's your cue to surprise them with something romantic that won't break the bank. Try a photo calender they can keep on their desk at work, or a homemade mug with a sweet message on it. These things aren't expensive but I guarantee they will be remembered far longer than another bottle of cologne or pretty dress. Because at the end of the day, it's not our birthdays that we dread as we get older, it's that we won't have anyone to spend them with. If you remind your love that they're the most special person in your life, every day of the year? Now that's a great birthday gift.

Texting

Remember when people actually called each other? Before IPhones and texting you actually had to be home in order to talk to someone. Today things are much more convenient, but also much more annoying. We are never truly alone anymore. Cell phones connect everyone with each other 24/7. It's nice to have that access when you want an ambulance or need a ride home from the bars, but there is such a thing as TOO much contact. Texting your guy/girl ten times a day to say things like, "LOL my coffee is good today!" or "Ugh my boss sucks!" can lead to texting overdose. You mate doesn't need to hear all the details of your day play-by-play. It takes the mystery away from the lovely moment at the end of the day when you haven't seen your partner all day and you fill each other in on what you both have been up to. Plus, no one really needs to know how good your breakfast burrito was or how you're stoked about getting off work soon. It's like twitter or facebook- too much contact is just plain too much. Keep the mystery and spark in your relationship by limiting your texts to the occasional "I love you" or "Can't wait to see you tonight sexy." And don't neglect the old-fashioned phone call. Because nothing is better than hearing the voice of the person you love, as opposed to the "ding-ding" of your smart phone.

Flirting

Lots of people flirt. Especially at work, where you spend roughly 50% of your time. Flirting helps pass the time and makes work more fun. People also flirt with the bartender, barista, sales associate, doctor, lifeguard, you name it. It's human nature. So where do relationships fit in? Do you think flirting constitutes cheating? People are torn by the issue of flirting. Some thing it's harmless and others would rather have their significant other stop bathing for a week than smile at the cute 19-year old hostess. Personally I don't see the harm in it, as long as I don't physically have to see it. I know my bf is charming and handsome, but I don't want to see other girls swoon over his dimples. If he does it when I'm not around (which I'm sure he does), why do I care? As long as your partner isn't rude or disrespectful (like giving out his or her number, for example- a definite no-no), it's just flirting. When you're with your love, focus all of your romantic attention on them. They are who matter, not some random guy or girl. And they are who you should flirt with most of the time. The other times, when you smile or are extra friendly in order to score a free scone at Starbucks? It's not a big deal, so don't create a problem where there isn't one.

Friends

Romantic relationships are wonderful. (most of the time!) But they come with more pressure. Not exactly pressure to look great all the time or always be in a good mood (we all know that can't last forever), but pressure to help take care of the other person emotionally and physically. You can't ignore your wife for a month because you're busy and then call her up and ask if she'd like to get lunch and a mani-pedi. But you best friend on the other hand- you can. You can call her at 2am and she'll listen to you cry about that manipulative jerk who broke your heart. You can talk about yourself for the entire talk and it's okay, she'll listen. You can show up at her door with no makeup, wet hair, and tub of ice cream and it'll be the best night ever. Having a good friend is wonderful. It's what gets us through life. They're like a hot cup of sweet cocoa on a blistery cold night. They're always there to warm your soul and cheer you up. As much as I love my bf, if anything were to happen I know that I'd be okay because I have good friends in my life to make me smile, no matter what. No conditions, no rules, just friendship.

The Little Things

Sometimes it's a big fancy night out, or a gorgeous vase of red roses. Other times it's just taking your dishes to the kitchen. What am I talking about? Gestures. Big or small, it's important to appreciate the gestures your partner does for you. The other day my bf was making dinner for his friends. I mentioned that it looked good and said maybe I'd have a little. About 20 minutes later he walked into where I was studying and brought me a bowl of pasta. It was a small thing, but it really meant a lot to me. Remember those little things just as much as the big ones, and you'll have a happier outlook on your relationship. So many times we all focus on what isn't working. He always leaves his clothes on the floor. She always forgets to do that for me. He'd rather be with his friends than me. Taking a moment to think about (and openly thank) your partner for all the tiny things they do for you is essential. Plus, it makes you want to do nice things for them, which in turn leads them to do more nice things for you- a wonderful repeating cycle. Let's face it- not many people can afford to buy you extravagant presents or fly you around the country. But is that really love? Perhaps it is in some cases- it's different for every relationship. But a guy (or girl) who will bring you dinner or wash your dishes? That's priceless.