How to Actually Fight So Your Relationship Gets Better

I hate fights. I think a lot of people do. While some drama queens love a good screaming match plus the hot makeup sex, I loathe tension with the man I love. But while I used to just stifle my feelings and ignore how I really felt, now I speak up. In school this week we learned about how to transform your problems into workable issues so you're not left sleeping on opposite ends of the bed after a fight. Here's the simple 1-2-3-4 breakdown:

1. Have each person state their side. You: I hate when you stay out with your friends late instead of coming home to me. I miss you and want to see you more. Him: I hate it when you nag me about coming home when you're asleep anyways. Why can't I just have fun with my friends?
2. Form the problem into an issue outside of each other that you both can agree on. Ex. We both have a problem with the amount of time we have for each other.
3. Create a goal you both want that's achievable. Ex. We want to find a way to balance our friend time with our couple time so each part is satisfied.
4. Write down specific things you'll each do to get to that goal. Ex. You'll agree to not call or text him when he's with his friends if he'll agree to at least 1 designated date night a week, plus he'll text you when he's out and when he's coming home. Him: He'll also agree to 1 date night a week, plus he'll make an effort to plan more dates and text you his plans. And send you sweet texts to let you know he's thinking of you.

That's pretty much the formula. State sides, agree on workable problem, agree on solvable goal, break down goal into smaller pieces that are more manageable. If you externalize a problem it's less of a "he said, she said" or blaming thing. Because screaming "You don't love me as much as you love your friends!" at three a.m. isn't a good idea. Neither is passive aggressive texts that imply you're out having fun too, when the only friends in your room are Ben and Jerry. Like I always say, communication is key to keeping a relationship alive. Communicate what you want, what you need, and how you feel. Couples that break up are the ones with breakdowns in communication. Think of it as the cream that holds together two Oreo cookies. Without it, you've just got 2 boring cookies. With it, you've got magic.

I'm In Love With You Because..

I was inspired to write this post by a great article I read on Thought Catalogue. Here's the link: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/this-is-why-im-in-love-with-you/  It's a wonderful website my best friend told me about with all kinds of funny, sweet, interesting articles by various writers. This piece in particular talks about a man being in love with his girl and why. She makes him feel safe, she's his best friend, she's the "peanut butter to my jelly." (my favorite line) Here are a few things that I personally feel when I'm really, truly in love.(not lust)
1. You make me smile.
2. You're my cheerleader.
3. You won't run away if I've got bad breath, gained a couple pounds, or didn't shave my legs.
4. You love me in spite of my crazy family.
5. You know all my deep dark secrets- and you're still by my side.
6. You're fun to be with- at a bar or just on the couch.
7. You listen to me.
8. You like me.
9. You are kind.
10. You are so special to me that I want to protect you from the world, but I know I can't. I want to be with you forever, but I can't. So I'll settle for the next 50 years, if you'll have me.

This list is just an example of what you may feel when you're in love. I hope I am not discouraging anyone, because if there's one thing that I know for sure about relationships is that they're all different. Never feel like he "should" do that, or you "must" feel this. If you're happy and he's happy, ignore all the 'shoulds' and just enjoy it. There's no mythical time table you need to keep up with. It's your life, your love, your relationship. Enjoy it, protect it, and remember to always COMMUNICATE.

Dreams

Last night I had a dream I met a gorgeous, 6-foot 5 man who swept me off my feet. He was charming, funny and I fell instantly in lust. In the dream I immediately left my current boyfriend and shacked up with this new guy. But the second time I saw him he was different. This time he was not as tall or handsome or funny. It was so weird; I remember feeling like "Oh crap, why did I just throw the love of my life away for this loser?" Of course, I don't plan on ever leaving my long-term relationship, but I think the dream was a sly message to myself. There will always be someone who's better looking, richer, funnier, more charming, younger....the list goes on forever. It's tempting to look around for an upgrade when the new models come out. (I sound like I'm buying a new Honda, not finding a mate) But when you truly fall in love, it's not about all that superficial stuff. Your partner doesn't love you for your face, they love you for your heart. (yes I know how lame that sounds, but it's true) The face is just the pretty wrapping paper it's in. So 20 years down the road when you get a new assistant who's 23 and a part-time fitness model, remember that it's okay to look and be friendly. (And fantasize, it's not cheating because it's in your head and no one knows about it but you! It's a great way to get out the sexual tension without actually acting on it.) But you're not missing out. If you were to take that 23-year-old home, do you think you'd have more to talk about that sex and sit-ups? Doubtful. All the memories, good and bad, are what bind you to your significant other. That kind of love takes time, and it's not easily upgradable. Would you want to be replaced?

Disclaimer: I'm talking about healthy relationships you enjoy being in. If  you're unhappy, you're looking around for someone else because something in your relationship isn't right. If that's the case, try working on it, if it doesn't get better, moving on is best. Just be sure and close one door before you open another. No one wants to be the rebound guy.

Prescribing the Symptom

Got a man who never calls? Got a girl who won't stop texting you? Do you find yourself compulsively reaching for M&Ms everyday? Or does your mom want you to start going to church more? What do these things have in common? They can all be improved by a Strategic Therapy technique called "prescribing the symptom." This technique involves excessively doing the exact thing you want to STOP doing. It's like that old story about the dad who caught his teenager smoking and made him smoke the entire carton of cigarettes. The teen got so sick from all those smokes that he never smoked again. I tried this technique on myself by accident last Halloween. I had too much to drink and haven't done a shot since. The thought of hard liquor makes me sick. So, back to the previous examples. If your man never calls you, leaving you to call him all the time, try ignoring his texts/calls and giving him extra space. He might just get a little lonely and start calling you more. For the gal that texts you 24/7, try texting her nonstop. Trust me, she'll back off once you text her "Eating a sandwich- yum it's turkey!" for the third time. When it comes to eating, try eating way too many M&Ms (or whatever your poison) one day- make sure you get a really bad stomachache. Your craving for those colorful goodies won't be returning soon. Finally, if your mom bugs you about not going to church enough, try talking about God and the Bible nonstop. She'll lay off once she sees how annoying it is to hear only about the Lord over pancakes, pizza, and pot roast. I know it's a bit unorthodox, but I do think it's an interesting way to try to curb a dysfunctional or annoying behavior. Unconvinced? Try taking 10 shots of tequila. You won't be ordering another margarita anytime soon.

Men: Silence, Women: Talk. Any questions?

So I'm studying communication and why it's the MOST IMPORTANT thing in making a relationship last. If you can't communicate, you're doomed. Sorry to put it so bluntly, but it's true. What's funny is that, the more I learn about talking about your feelings, the more I find how hard it is for men to do that. For example, we did a group therapy session the other day. It was amazing- we went around a circle and discussed our childhoods, our insecurities, what makes us unique. I loved it, and so did the group of women in the group. But when I went home and tried asking my man the same questions- crickets. Now, I know all men are different and you can't really generalize. But let's just say that most men do not want to talk about how they "never really had a father" over tuna sashimi. It's not in their nature. Women, on the other hand, tell you more about their period before 10am than you ever need to know..ever. It's easy to get frustrated when you just want to know more about your guy, but you can't force intimacy or disclosure. Let it go. He'll open up when he's ready. Just be cool, easygoing, and don't pressure him. And don't focus on past relationships- it's not relevant. In my next post I'm going to discuss the ways to keep a long-term relationship together. It takes work, but it's so worth it. When you're sitting on the couch with your lover in pjs and a giant bowl of ice cream watching 'How I Met Your Mother' with a fat cat between the two of you- it's priceless. (Okay so I know that sounds pathetic, but it's not, it's a shared passion. You need those in relationships. For us, it's a TV show, for others, it's going out or running or cooking, etc..Hot sex can only sustain a couple for so long.)

Taking a Chill Pill

I want to share my own BEST advice I've ever realized and want to share with you. This info has improved my relationship a million percent: Don't freak out. Sometimes things won't go right. You'll be apart for too long or won't have sex for a month. Be relaxed and go with the flow. There's nothing more annoying than a nervous chick (or guy) whining about you getting home 10 minutes late from work so you have to see a later showing of "Twilight" or "2 Fast 2 Furious." It's not a big deal people, so don't make it one.
Note: Ladies: chill, guys do the best they can. Guys: we let you see us naked. 'Nuff said.

PS: Things you SHOULD make a big deal out of: you caught them cheating red-handed, they forgot your birthday, they were mean to you/your friends/your family/a box of kittens for no reason, or they only focus on 'their stuff' in bed. Relationships are a give and take people, learn to embrace sharing.

How to NOT get divorced

Recently I read a really interesting chapter in my 'Assessment of Couples and Families' book. (by Len Sperry) The book mentions 4 things that lead a couple towards divorce. I thought I'd share these with you in order to offer some insight. As a child of divorce myself, I'm pretty bound and determined not to get a divorce. But in reality, things happen and it's MUCH better to divorce than stay in an unhappy marriage because you promised 'for better or worse' or 'for the kids'. (worst excuse ever- you end up modeling an unhappy marriage to your children; not a good idea) Anyway, the 4 interactions that are predictors of divorce are the following: (specifically from Gottman 1993, 1994).
1. Being overly critical towards each other (nagging, nitpicking- unhappy couples average 1 negative comment for 1 positive comment, while happy couples average 5 positive comments for every 1 negative comment)
2. Couples feel/act out contempt for each other (not surprising this is on the list, who in their right mind would want to be wed to someone who hates them?)
3. Partners being defensive and not listening to each other ("more focus is on how a spouse is going to respond to the partner, rather than listening to what the partner is saying," p.17)
4. Stonewalling each other (this refers to shutting down emotionally and just going through the motions with your partner)
Marriage is incredibly hard work, or so I've heard. I say this as a single woman, but one who's in a long-term relationship. I don't know what it's like to be man and wife, (or man and man or woman and woman), but I do know that, while being with someone you love is often easy and carefree, it also takes work every day to keep a relationship alive. Making them dinner, rubbing their back, asking them if they need anything at the grocery, texting them you love them- it's these little things that show you still care. This list was also really interesting to me because it reminds me that being honest, kind, and open with your partner is so incredibly important. Take time to connect with the person you love, but also just listen to them. We all just want to feel heard and understood. It's so easy to just yell or be snippy when you're stressed or tired- we all do it. I'm not saying it's easy but try to make an effort to be sweet, year after year. You're happy relationship will thank you. :-)